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Dead Lesbian bed
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An_198090 posted:
Does the lesbian bed always die at some point in any relationship? 7-9 years seem to be about the time it dies. Any suggestions? Please
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AsRealAsItGets responded:
What the hell is lesbian bed?
 
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Byroney_WebMD_Staff responded:
Dear Anon_64304,

I believe you mean "Lesbian Bed Death " which is an idea created from a 1983 study that the longer they're together, the less sex they have (This is not a WebMD site, and we cannot guarantee content). However, experts have criticized the study for ambiguous questions.

From my point of view, it's a myth. My wife and I will celebrate our 14th Anniversary this Saturday, and no sign of bed death.

However, couples need to make a commitment to keeping their relationship fresh and interesting. This article on Boring Bedroom Syndrome may help give you some tips. I'd also suggest couple's counseling to get you both back on track (if you're currently in a relationship).

Hopefully others will share their tips, too.

Byroney
 
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Erynsays responded:
Yes,and I believe it can happen to anyone in either a straight or gay relationship and at anytime in the realtionship due to one or a combination of issues that have affected the relationship in some form.For older folks,please look up the physical effects of lower hormones for male and female and forget about the bed because all your going to do is sleep in it and have memories about what you did for pleasure in the past and thats only the tip of the iceberg.There are so many scenarios that would complicate a perfectly once upon a time normal gay relationship which would be too many to list in this column and each bed has its own history.If at all possible,and you are amongst the living dead and want out of that state then you have the power to seek help or do something to inhance your relationship and bring the bed from the dead and use webmed to help you keep your head in stead of being dead..Eryn says...No time limits available as it happens everyday of the week to many.....
 
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Louise_WebMD_Staff responded:
It can happen and you can have a frank talk about it or more than one. You then need to decide what YOU want to do about it. Is it about the sex? The closeness? Are you both burning the candle at both ends? Do you not have enough alone time without kids and family?

There are solutions, workarounds, and of course, paying attention can help.

I would like some of those tips because we have struggled with bed death off and on for years. Lately has been particularly...dead.
 
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Debbie1Lawrence replied to Erynsays's response:
Heterosexuals often call this "The 7 year itch" after the movie of the same name.

Early in a sexual relationship, the sex is exciting, fun, often amazing. You are both experimenting, trying new things, and generally, sex is creative and fun. Lesbian sex can be even more creative, last longer, and be even more exciting. It's not over when he's done.

Over time, you get to know each other's triggers, shortcuts, and how to provide a lot of pleasure in a short time. It's still enjoyable, but it's not as exciting and unpredictable.

Over time, the relationship becomes more important than the sex, to the point where, for one partner or the other, sex can even seem like a "chore". In some cases, the partner receiving the pleasure is so worn out that they are suffering health problems. I've even had one partner who had a number of hernia operations because she couldn't resist the orgasms, even when they were tearing apart her insides.

Eventually, there may be power issues. One partner may feel that she's doing too much, and her partner isn't doing enough. She may act out on this by avoiding sex, or limiting the pleasure of her partner. The frustrated partner retaliates by avoiding sex as well. The "Dead Bed" where you sleep in it, but often don't even cuddle in it.

Couples counselors look for a variety of indicators. Are there sexual fantasies that have popped up but have been frustrated or denied? Are there money issues? Are there power issues? Are there differences in values. If one partner wants to live in the country and the other is a city girl, you can keep the magic up for several years, but eventually, one or both will get "Home-sick". Sometimes they look for goals conflicts - if one partner wants to buy a house, but the other likes apartment living, they can struggle for a long time before realizing that they can't work it out on their own.

Often the solution is to look at the needs of each partner, let each decide what is most important, and see if there are ways that each can get what they want most, and give the other what they want most. It might be the house in the city, or the apartment in the suburbs.

Once the power and control issues are resolved, it's easier to resolve the sexual issues. Keep in mind that sexual desires are not static. We all "wonder about" a variety of sexual possibilities, and find ourselves frustrated because it doesn't fit with the established routine. These "mini fantasies" could range from dressing up to letting the other partner take control more often, to getting a bit kinky. The mind doesn't really censor it's fantasies. We can be as inspired by "50 Shades of Grey" as we are by the L-Word.

Often, we try to censor and limit our fantasies after the fact. The guy in the hot jacket ,or the girl in the pretty dress might not be something that our partner would want to do regularly, but they might be quite open to the possibility of wearing a really slutty outfit for a "Night In".

Of course, the other partner has been sitting on her secrets too. They may even be struggling to acknowledge them. Often, it's necessary to give them some time to give their mini-fantasies a chance to develop enough for that they can be shared. Often, it helps to write them down, or look at books or literature that offer a variety of fantasies.

Once each of you begins to see the possibility of fulfilling some wild forbidden fantasies - TOGETHER - there is the possibility of bringing life back into the bedroom.

Hormones and menopause can dampen organic desire, but the most powerful sexual organ in the human body is between your ears. Your brain can make almost anything erotic and exciting.


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