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Questioning my sexuality
An_198095 posted:
I'm a female in her mid-twenties, in a long-term monogamous relationship with a man, and I'm beginning to have some doubts as to whether I'm truly hetrosexual...or whether those doubts are coming from not having certain needs met in my current relationship. I was hoping that someone who actually is bisexual could clue me may not make a difference, but I want to understand whether my feelings are stemming from a true non-preference for either gender--or merely frustration with my current partner.

Until I was 21, I was completely asexual. I had absolutely no sexual interest in either men or women, though I've always found women more physically attractive than men on average, and still do. Then I met my current partner, grew to love him as a friend, then as something more. I have never been sexually attracted to anyone but him...but it took months of concerted effort on his part to make me the least bit interested. There was no chemistry or spark on my end--just a friendship that slowly deepened to love; though now we have a great and (for the most part) satisfying love-life.

For most of my childhood and as a young adult, I was subjected to continuous physical and sporadic sexual abuse--mostly by men. I managed to fight off would-be rapists, survived abduction/kidnapping, and unwilling bondage--all men. My partner is actually the first man I've ever met that I can solidly say is a good guy, and my first lover. I don't consider myself a victim--I'm a fighter and a survivor...and when it comes to the bedroom, I'm into dominance.

For all I know, it's a subconscious attempt to make sure any further sexual activity is entirely by my choice--exactly as I wish. I hated my attackers and the things they did, and I never want to feel in that position ever again. The thing is, my partner is also dominant--not to the point of it being fetish or need--but to the point he doesn't want to be submissive, especially if it involves bindings or strap ons. I'm not willing to hurt him to create a scenario where he's at my mercy, which is what it's come down to. His continued refusal to bend on this has caused some stress in our relationship...and his solution was to introduce me to porn. Now, instead of fantasizing about dominating him, I fantasize about dominating a woman...not hurting her, just dominating. My first choice is still my partner, but I know it won't happen.

Both sets of fantasies leave me aroused (though 'normal' girl-on-girl does nothing for me)...I just don't know if I'm dreaming about women because my male partner is unwilling to comply, or if it indicates I truly could be attracted to both sexes. I just want to understand what's going on in my head, because right now I'm more than a little confused.
Byroney_WebMD_Staff responded:
Hello Anon_125014, and welcome!

This article on Sexual Orientation may help you with some of your basic questions. However, I'd strongly encourage you to explore all of this with a therapist who is GLBT-friendly. There's no way for anyone here to be able to wisely unravel the complex issues you've presented without being a counselor or therapist.

I would also encourage you to consider couple's counseling. Healthy partnerships usually require flexibility and compromise on both sides. Where you comment "His continued refusal to bend" sounds like an issue to address so you can both reduce stress and come to an understanding.

Hopefully one of our other members will share their story with you, too.

Write back and let us know how you're doing,


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