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Marriage and Transgendered
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Anon_234670 posted:
I have been married for 9 years. I came out to my wife in February 2010 that I want to be a woman. She is still with me and I have not made any steps to transistion or very very very minor ones. I am not on hormone therapy and of course I am still pre-op. I also a father of 2 children. I am currently seeing a counselor but I feel like I am stuck with nothing but consequences wherever I turn. Right now I am focusing on repairing my marriage but on the other hand I feel like I am losing my self and my identity. I have been looking at anything from being simply androgynous, or settle with some sort of cross dressing or something. I am fearful of my future, my wife and my children. I see t-girls and biological females and get very highly jealous with their body and fashion. Pretty much everything and feel that biologically I got the short end of the stick. I hate this feeling and so very frustrated. I feel like just about anything will send me into a feeling of crisis and despair. Any tips or words of encouragement is greatly appreaciated.
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Anon_234670 responded:
Also I want to add that I know the cause of my insecurites, my lack of confidence, my anxiety, and I believe the source of my depression. It is because of my transgender and feeling trapped in a body that does not truly represent the person who I really am. Should I take anti-depressants/anti-anxiety meds as well for this. Can it help me feel better to stay in my marriage as a man for my wife and kids?
 
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Byroney_WebMD_Staff responded:
Welcome Anon_234670 and thank you for posting! It sounds like you have a lot of complicated, conflicting desires and responsibilities pulling you in different directions.

First of all, you may want to look at this article on Gender Identity Disorder . It discuses everything from diagnosis to treatment.

If the counselor/therapist you're seeing does not have experience with transgender/gender identity disorder, please consider seeking one who does. You need someone who can really understand your unique issues and is really supportive. If your local hospital does gender reassignment surgery, you may want to ask for the names of some counselors they use.

Here are a couple of sites I found that may help--I don't personally know anything about them, so check them out carefully: Transgender.org and Transgender Support Site .

I would suggest that you work with counseling/therapy to sort this all out before you make any decisions about your future. You deserve to feel good about who you are, so take the time to find out who "you" really are.

Just in case you need Crisis Resources , here's a link to some toll-free ones.I hope your wife is seeing a counselor or therapist to help her, too. Maybe one of our members who has gone through this will share their story with you.

In support,

Byroney
 
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Greyhoundfan74 replied to Byroney_WebMD_Staff's response:
Thank you Byroney,

The counselor I am seeing supports my issue which is a great help. I have been looking all over for resources regarding keeping a marriage and coming out transgender. I unfortunately have found little to no information. There seems to be information on marriage and affairs but that does not fit my situation. Do you happen to know of any information on hair thinning and hair loss. My hair has been thinning out and it does not help with my overall appearance.

Any help regarding information is greatly appreciated.
 
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Greyhoundfan74 replied to Greyhoundfan74's response:
To save my marriage, I am thinking hard about how best to have some kind or transitioning and be married. I am thinking outside the box on what my wife and I can accept. The only thing is I cannot make up her choice and what she can and cannot accept. Which makes this so very uncomfortable for me since I don't feel we will ever compromise to the best of my mental health.
 
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Byroney_WebMD_Staff replied to Greyhoundfan74's response:
Hello again, Greyhoundfan74!

I am glad to hear your counselor is so supportive. A quick search on Google yielded these Transgender Legal Resources. I do not personally know anything about these organizations, but you may want to contact them and find out about the laws in your state:

National Center for Transgender Equality
www.NCTEquality.org

Sylvia Rivera Law Project
www.srlp.org

Transgender Law Center
www.TransgenderLawCenter.org

Transgender Law and Policy Institute
www.TransgenderLaw.org

Here are some Tips for Caring for Thinning Hair and a slideshow on Men's Hair Loss Solutions that may help. I sure wish you and your wife the best as you work your way through this.

Please feel free to post and let us know how you're doing,

Byroney
 
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Greyhoundfan74 replied to Byroney_WebMD_Staff's response:
Thanks so much Byroney!
 
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Debbie1Lawrence replied to Anon_234670's response:
These may be symptoms of the gender dysphoria.

Check out Crossdressers.com which has a section for transsexuals and another for spouses and families.

Many transsexuals live in "Stealth Mode" for many years before even coming out to their spouses or parents, and even then, they often try to minimize the condition.

I was 33 years old when I finally found a couples counselor who would even DISCUSS my transsexual nature. I had been trying to get help since I was 5 years old.

My mother know, but at the time (1960) the treatment was lobotomy - they couldn't change the mind to accept the body, so they destroyed the mind. She did everything she could to protect me from that fate. My father was transgendered as well, but not as severe.

For the same reason, when I tried to raise the issue with psychologists and therapists - they shut me down immediately, saying they weren't ALLOWED to talk about it with me. They even confirmed that I was TG.

The couple's counselor realized that I was a level 6 transsexual, someone with a tendency to self-destruct if they don't transition. It was right on the money. I'd already been hospitalized 60 times as a kid because of emotionally aggrevated asthma, I'd tried to commit suicide at least a few dozen times, and turned to drugs and booze to the point of regular blackouts starting as soon as I realized my voice had changed and I was a Bass.

I had only survived because I had been in a 12 step program and had gotten clean and sober and stayed that way (now have 33 years continuous clean time). At least in the 12 step program I could address what I was, my sponsors weren't much help, but I could take it a day at a time without going into self-destruct mode.

Even in the face of this, my wife, who became my ex-wife, insisted that I stop transition or I would never see the kids again (but I'd still have to pay child support). She had the letter from a social worker she met through her church, addressed to a fundamentalist Christian judge, and my ex-wife worked in the court.

I aborted the transition and within 2 years my weight had doubled, within 5 years I had had a heart attack. I eventually had stroke and another heart attack before I decided to try transition again.

Almost as soon as I started living more as a woman, I started losing weight (85 lbs), and my health improved dramatically. Then my second wife asked me to stop. I went into the skids, and nearly died again.

Now I'm back in transition, living full time RLE. Looking for an endo who will supervise the HRT. My therapist has made it very clear for me. "When you are are Debbie, you are happy, when you are Rex, you are not, so be Debbie!



Often, we don't transition


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