Grief & Loss Community

I'm sorry for your loss, I know how it is that it's the last few days with them that seem to stick in your head the loudest and the memories you want to remember only make you cry.

My mom found out she had colon cancer in December 2005, spent her last Christmas in the hospital, got to come home in January for 2 weeks, then back into the hospital & stayed there till her death on March 30th 2006.

Those days of her being so sick haunted me for so long, but it does get better with time, and at times when you really miss them or need them it can also still hurt like it just happened, but over all the pain get's better.

I KNOW my mom, like your's, is in a place that has no pain, no tears of sorrow, no more hurt. And you & I will see our mothers again one day when God calls us home.

I think it's common when we lose our parent(s) that we connect with our inner child, the part of us that was most connected to them, they protected us, cared for us, loved us, hugged us........ as adults we could go to them to share our trubles, get advice, they where somebody that loved our children as much as we do, they would share in the happiness of the holiday's, birthdays and even Graduations, they would share in the concerns of a sick child.......

Now your the mom, the one your child (children) look to for the same things that you looked for in your mom, Love, Bonding, Memories......

That last "I Love ya" is a gift from your mom that is more valuable than all the gold in the world.

Every time you find a penny it's from someone you love who has passed and is letting you know they are looking out for you.

Cheri said it so well that I have little to add. What both of you describe is how I felt as well.... kicking myself for the times I could have given more, grateful for those last 'I love you' words.

The main thing I want to say is to be patient with yourself and with the process. This loss is still so very new and so unexpected, and only time and work will do the healing you need.

In the meantime, cry as you need to, reach out to others as you need to (don't isolate), keep putting one foot in front of the other. Life has a way of pulling you forward. Let it.

Some things that helped me was journaling, writing letters to my lost loved one, working, spending time with friends, doing some creative projects, walking. You find whatever works for you. And take care of your physical health.... sleep, eat healthy, etc., even though you may not want to.

I am so very sorry for your loss. It sounds like she was a very special lady. *softhugs*

Hello my dear,

It will be almost 3 years since my mommy passed away. Please do not feel any guilt for the times that you didn't spend with your mom. lean on the joyous times that you spent with her. Just take one day at a time. there are a lot of groups out there that can help. yahoo has one called motherless daughters. i have no stock in it don't manage it, but I have found alot of support from the site. Your mom and my mom are in a better place and as believers we know that we will see them again one. Hang in there and just take one day at a time!!! :

EXCERPT: "I have talked to a therapist,pastor,grief counselor,family,and friends. I am hoping someone will have the magic word for me...What more can I do to help myself ?"

The true "magic" is to take what you have learned from all your discussions with others and apply it to your life in hope and with faith. I imagine that God has worked through those closest to you already, that he might speak his will for you. What more would you like to hear from him?

I would not at all be surprised to learn, either, that a good portion of the understanding and support extended to you has filled you with a sense of wonder and connection. Now, having been given these gifts, seek wisdom. In other words, apply what you have learned to better your life and that of others. Go forward, go on, seek to uplift another's weary heart. Lose yourself -- even a portion of yourself -- in the service of others...and there...there will you finally find yourself. You will find comfort as you serve others on behalf of your mother, and you will see her face as you do.

My own mother passed away on June 27, 2002. She rode one of those scooters to get around and was very limited in what she could do. Just the other day at Costco, I saw her in the face of a man who was riding a scooter and who wanted some bananas, which were stacked about 12" above his head. Without any prompting from him, I held a box of bananas around the level of his chest while he selected a bunch for himself. I did for him that which he could not do for himself...and sought to honor my own mother in the process. There are many such acts of kindness and service that you may offer others. Over time, the process of serving will act as a catalyst in getting you from where you are now to where you need to be.

This does not mean that your regrets will go away. Some will stay with you for a while. That's okay, though. It is to be expected. Even Paul had to deal with his "thorn in the flesh" all his days. This is all a necessary part of the process of refinement. So, what more can you do to help yourself? MOVE! Move your feet, your hands, your eyes, your smile, your heart. Move these in a better work. Move them all in unison, in compassion, in empathy, in grace, in love. I can promise you that as you do, your own soul will be comforted and greatly enlarged, and you will find peace.

Learn from it and live in every moment of every day as if it's your last.

ibcnubaby, unfortunately there are no magic words to assuage your grief or anger. This is something we all have to live through and, not having children, I can't imagine anything harder than losing a parent. Time and love are the only healers, and even they will never quite erase the ache.

I know it doesn't seem so big a thing now while you're busy beating yourself up, but cheri's right - that your last exchange with your mother was of love shared is a blessing that surprisingly few folks have. Imagine how awful your guilt would be if your last words were a disagreement, or if you hadn't talked to her in a long time.

Because your mother was clearly a loving person, try to remember this: If any forgiveness is needed from anyone, she's already done it. Your mother seems to have been the type of person who understood a basic truth about people - everyone is doing the best that they can under the circumstances. You're looking backward with 20/20 hindsight and berating yourself for not having done more. Stop it! You were doing the best that you could under the circumstances, whatever those were. Sure, if you'd known you'd lose your mother at a particular time you might have done things differently - but you didn't know! You had problems of your own, and your mother understood that, and I guarantee has forgiven you. After all, her last words to you were "I love you."

Therapy is a good idea - ongoing therapy for a while. At the very least you'll have a safe place to cry, which isn't always easy to do with a family around. (I used to get in my car and drive to an isolated place and literally scream and cry and pound on the steering wheel until I was exhausted.)

And please remember, repetition is a strong learning tool - try not to repeat negatives to yourself, verbally or mentally, such as "I cannot forgive myself." It's like an old vinyl recording - the more often you play them, the deeper the grooves get. Try substituting a phrase that's not so negative. For instance, "I'm trying to forgive myself for Mom's sake." It may sound silly, but it helps.

Also, make a point of trying to balance your guilt with good memories. Write them down and leave them around the house! If you start beating yourself up in the kitchen, there will be that note on the fridge about how fun it was when Mom let you help make cookies. If you start grinding on yourself in the bedroom, there will be that note reminding you about how you used to run to her bed when it thundered. In your closet - "Wear clean underwear!" (Was there ever a mother who didn't make that admonition?)

You get the idea. It's perfectly normal to be grief-stricken and angry (and not just angry at yourself) so soon after a loss of this magnitude. Don't beat yourself up about that, at least! But somewhere in there with all of the hurt, try to remember that you're not helpless with the grief, not forever, and try to cut yourself a break - your mother would, and she would want you to.

Good luck, and don't bother to be brave. Hurt all you need to, and then start looking for the light.

Lynn

(Sorry this is so long - I added paragraph breaks when I typed it, but I'm not sure they carried through to the actual posting.)

I know your grief, My mom lived in Arkansas and I live in Texas, only an eight hour drive. She was in the hospital for hernia surgery. She never made it home. I had talked to her on the phone on saturday morning and my brother had visited her that afternoon, I had planned to go and visit the following week end. Instead I had to go make funeral arrangements. So I kinda have the same feeling as yourself. But I did find comfort in her church and the pastor, he spoke at her funeral and he put me at ease with my guilt and feelings. You might consult your church pastor I believe it will help. Respectively E. Robertson

I lost my Mother June 8th last year. After spending the first couple months in bed I decided I needed help. I also felt a lot of guilt over my Mother's death. It was unexpected throat cancer. They cured the cancer but she died from a staff infection from the feeding tube the Doctor put in her stomach. The first thing you need to do is start writing your Mom letters. This is very hard at first but it gets easier the more letters you write. The second thing you need to do is forgive yourself. If you don't forgive yourself like your Mother would want you to do then you will stay angry. The letters that you write will help you a lot. We never think that we are going to lose the people we love so suddenly but sometimes that is the way God has it planned. Reading what I read about your Mother she wouldn't want you to feel the way you feel. She would want you to be happy again and live your life. Cherish each and every moment you have with your son and the people you love because you never know when your going to lose someone. I never hang up the phone with my son, sister's or brother's without saying I love you. I also never try to leave one of them after an argument with out making up. I lost my oldest Brother about 10 years ago. We had a huge fight one day and didn't speak for over 2 years. I went to visit my younger brother one day and my older brother was there. He gave me a big hug and kiss and told me he loved me. I told him I loved him and that I was sorry we had missed out on each others lives for 2 years. He died a week later of a heart attack. I thank God I went to visit my younger Brother that day. My Mother had 13 children and there are only 8 of us left. We are a very close family with a whole lot of love between us. I hope and pray that you forgive yourself so you can start enjoying your Son and Family again. God Bless You, Pam

Ibcunubaby: My mom passed away 8 years ago, and I still sometimes feel the guilt for what I didn't do for her. There were problems with our relationship before she passed, and she could be very critical. Among the problems was she would accuse me of not visiting her, which was not true. She had a stroke and was place in a convalescent home for 5 months God forgive me, but I thought I would be able to visit her because she could not speak and she could not criticize me. It turned out I didn't visit her once in the facility. Once she was moved back to assisted care facility she lived in, I was able to visit her a few times, and she came to my house for holidays. I came to visit her the day before Valentine's Day and I brought her flowers. She still could not speak, but she looked happy. The next day she was sent to the hospital for pneumonia. She died 3 days later.

I was tortured with guilt for years. I went to counseling and realized that I was in the middle of a life threatening health issue at the time she had the stoke and I was hospitalized myself for 2 weeks. Once during a therapy session while discussing my mother, I said "I did the best I could". My therapist as well as myself were shocked by the comment, it just slipped out. You see, the reason I was hospitalized was I was diagnosed with major depression disorder and could barely function. When someone told me that my mom probably suffered with the same problem, all things fell in place. Now, I can remember the positive things she did and the times my mom was supportive. I realize that she did so much more good than harm. I learned a lot from her. I wish I could back in time and start over, but I know in my heart that she loved me and gave me her best. I have to remember I did my best too.

ibcnubaby, I am truly sorry for your loss of your mom. God, "is this the beginning of answering my prayers that I will find the strength to go on?? I too just lost my mother and this pain is none other than I have ever felt. There is none to even compare it to. Mother passed away very unexpectedly on July 13, 2009, just 23 days ago. I live in VA and her in NC and I too think about the times that I could have, should have, wanted to, did not, etc, be with her and do so much more. My mom would have demanded that I also be with my family here. I can hear her voice now telling me as she did so often ?In Love There Is No Separation". I am trying to remember the many good times we did share together thanks to my understanding family here (stepson, daughter in law and wonderful caring husband.) Please let's try to hold on to those wonderful memories, try the best we can to not feel the guilt, because I bet if we could talk to them right now, we both would get lectures and if forgiveness is what we need, they already have forgiven us as one caring reply reminded us. Regrets, yes, I do have them and I will need to with God's help, work through them somehow.

I had spent 2 weeks with her when she was so ill in the hospital and then she came home. Mom also was loved by every staff member helping her as she shared stories of her life with them. You see, she became a widow @ the age of 26, never remarried as her only love was my father. She is now finally with him and that does give me comfort. In addition, she was the last survivor on both sides of her family, no sisters, no brother, no cousins, none. She also had lost all her close friends and longtime neighbors. Her generation was quickly going home. She still left behind many that loved her. I chose to come back to VA because my illness was really catching up with me and I did not want her to see the condition I was in. My thought was to reenergize then go back to be with her. Well, that did not happen as she had another heart attack. As we were traveling back to NC as fast as we could, I spoke to her on the phone, told her I loved her and my name was the last word she spoke and gently closed her eyes. The last time I saw her she was laughing @ her home with her grandson (my brother's son) which she adored. Her last words to me were "I love you Terri". Your cry for help here has touched my heart in a way that is difficult for me to put into words. In my heart I feel this is a validation from our heavenly father that we are not alone, and you probably feel the same as I do right now, that losing our moms just can't be real. As I read the heartfelt replies to your plea, a sense of calmness and comfort is surrounding me. I actually don't think I have ever read any blogs on WebMD. I get their emails as I also have been very ill with several chronic illness and find their web site to be helpful: however, never would I have thought that here is where I would find the reminder that "We are all God's children' and no matter what part of the world we live-in, blood related or not,, whether we know each other or not, God wants us to love, help each other to heal in the tough times and to remember as one of the replies said" We will see our moms again when God calls us home". These replies have reminded me also of Mother?s way that she lived" One day @ a time". We had that song sung @ her service. Coincidence that it was mention here? I don?t think so. Sorry for the long reply. My wish and prayer is that all that are feeling this horrible loss as we are can begin somehow the healing process. I too think journaling may help me. I want to hold onto the advice provided here. I pray that God will continue to give us the strength to go on. I want to remember, putting one foot in front of the other. Taking care of my physical health is advice that I need to hold on to. I believe that my mom made it over the rainbow and into the arms of angels. God bless you & all replys Terri

My mom also passed away, on June 23rd, 2009. I'm trying to stay strong for my dad. I still lived with my parents (and I still live with my dad), and even though my mom was sick for over a year, it was unexpected. She wasn't doing poorly at all, despite pain in her lower back. Right now I guess you'd say I'm still in a state of shock. I not only lost my mother, I lost my best friend, the best person I ever knew or will ever know. I can't sleep alone at all. If my boyfriend can't stay over I make sure to stay at his house. I've only been alone twice since she passed away. The doctor prescribed me a sleeping aid, but I only take it as needed. I don't want to become dependent on a drug to get through this.

There are times when it REALLY hits me, like the other night when I was with my boyfriend and we went to see NASCAR. We camped overnight, and I found myself wanting to pick up the phone and call my mother. I always called her when I was out, just to say hi or ask her how she was feeling, even prior to her getting sick. But I haven't really had a good cry over it yet. I'm not allowing myself to grieve, I guess. I'm trying to keep busy to shut it out. I think I might be hurting myself in the long run.

I'm very sorry for your loss. Big hugs to you.