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Loss of mother and brother
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Michaela25 posted:
Hi there....First of all I don't know why I'm writing here but I gonna anyways. The past year has been hell for me. About 11 months ago I lost my mother from cancer. Loosing her was really hard for me since we were really close. She was a super mom who you could always talk to about anything, she might not always have the answers you needed but she was always there to listen and support you, no matter what....I also had a brother, who was 10 years older than me, he was a really good soul but way too mentally weak for this world. He was really cute and popular when he was younger, but he never had very high self esteem. He got involved with the wrong kind of people at a very young age, and started doing drugs. To me he always seemed like he was Bi-polar (even though he never got that diagnosis and maybe it was only because of the drug use), because you never knew where you had him. Sometimes he was really sweet and sometimes you could hardly open up your mouth without him snapping at you. He was always very much dependent upon our parents, and despite who he had become they never turned there backs on him. When mom died it was very hard on all of us, but I guess my brother took it worst and by the time we realized it was too late. He committed suicide last May :sad: I have been one big question mark this year, constantly asking myself why, but there are no answers. I feel like something died inside of me, I'm not interested in alot of things and/or motivated to do anything. I feel depressed. I have a wonderful husband and other people around me for support but that just does not seem enough. What do I have to do to overcome this?......Any suggestions would really help, thanks...
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nell1989 responded:
I would say to give yourself some more time. These were major losses and they are still fresh. It takes time to start to heal from such losses. When my aunt (who was more like a mom to me) passed away on July 27 of '08, it took me a long time to start the healing process. I know you mentioned that you have your husband and other people around you for support, but have you been able to really talk with those people about the way you are feeling? If not, maybe you would consider going to talk with a professional? It helped me a lot. I had a few people around me for support, but I couldn't bring myself to talk about the loss. I think the most healing that came for me, came after I started talking with a professional. But the main idea is to talk about it with someone. Let the emotions out, whatever those emotions may be, just let it come to you. You will feel better. It may take time, but things will improve. It has for me, and I know it will for you. Just give it time. And vent on here if it helps.
 
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vlz51 responded:
I too know what it is like to have multiple losses in a short time. My niece was killed a year ago by a drunk driver (the murder trial started this week); my mother-in-law died in December, not knowing that her son -my husband- had just been diagnosed with cancer. After eight months of chemo and radiation, my husband passed away at home 4 weeks ago. I lost my job in June-the next day he started a new session of chemo. He had one treatment, and never recovered from it. I truly believe things happen for a reason, and loosing my job was for me to be home with him. I too am depressed, and have a very short attention span. I start something, and get distracted. I can't sleep at night, but can sleep all afternoon on the couch. Staying busy is key, but that is easier said than done. Every day is a new challenge, and all you can do it take it one moment at a time. I know that-for me- a job will come along when its time for me to go back to work, and I'm looking forward to having structure in my life. i just started a golf class on Saturdays- something to get me out of the house and among the living. No one has the answers to "getting over it." I believe that we never really do. In time the pain will lessen, and the memories will take its place. Don't ask yourself why. Your brother had his inner demons-don't make them yours. Don't worry about trying to overcome it. It will come with time (so I'm told). Just remember that your mother, and your brother would want you to live your life to the fullest, and your obligation to them is to do just that. My sympathies, and best wishes for the future
 
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Michaela25 responded:
Thank you for you responses.....it really does help alot to hear from other people in similar situations. I have considered speaking to a professional, but with my stubborness I can't bring myself to go see one. I'm gonna try and give myself some more time and see where I stand in a couple of months. To vlz51, I really admire you for being so positive with everything that has happened to you, it shows what a strong person you are. I too believe that everything happens for a reason. When my mothers illness got worse my father called me and said to me that I had to come home, and the only way for me to do that was to quit my job, so I did. And it was probably one of the best decisions I ever made. I got to spend the last two weeks with my mom before she passed away and those moments I will cherish forever. Where you said my obligation to my mother and my brother is to live my life to the fullest I think you are 100% right and I'm gonna try to do just that. You really said everything so well, and with your letter you made me feel more hopeful, so thank you for that. With your attitude towards life I know you will be alright, my sympathies to you as well. Best of luck.......Michaela.
 
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Phx58 responded:
Micheala, THANK YOU! I cannot tell you how much it means to me to know that something I said has touched someone. You made my day. I know exactly what you mean when you say you cherish those last two weeks wiwth your Mom. I too cherish the last weeks with my husband. I had a meeting today with a Hospice brievement counselor. I thought " I'm strong, I really don't need this", but went along with it. IT HELPED. My sister-in-law was here too, and got to express how she felt loosing her baby brother. He stressed that grief is not an illness, it just is. You are not loosing your mind, you are grieving. You should look into whats available for you-whether it is group support, or individual. Even if it is just to let yourself know you are doing okay. Be kind to yourself! Vicki
 
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marilynbt responded:
Hello, I know how you feel right now. Death is very difficult to deal with. I lost my mom to cancer when I was only 6. I often say that I was lucky to have not known her so well. It would have been much harder to lose someone you really knew, were very close with. But, my growing up years till now have been difficult. I am often angry/bitter for not having a mother, and surely did not want to take the motherly role my sisters tried to place on me. My father passed away 5 years ago. I was 32, but my dad was 81. I am the youngest of 9 children. So, when my father died, I was truly devastated. I had to move out of the house I grew up in, go to work and deal with no longer having a dad- let alone parents. It took me 2 years to "accept" his death. My ex-fiance of 11 1/2 years left me last year. You can imagine that this "loss" was totally awful for me as well. When I finally cut him off (communication etc.) I have finally been able to heal and grieve properly. What I learned and am still learning from the above situations is that death/a loss can make us very weak OR very strong. You can either deal by dwelling on what you had, what you lost etc. or you can learn from it and live your life to the fullest/differently from these hard lessons. It is not easy and it takes time. Everyone grieves differently. I did not want to eat, do anything at all for months. I was very bitter etc. But, when I finally "accepted" these losses, I was able to move on healthily. I finally decided to change my hair color, get my nails done, take a class, and move. These things helped me. It was easier to do these things being single without children. My advice would be to see a therapist when you are ready and love those around you. It is great to have a "support" of a husband and children around you. My nieces and nephews were so loving afterwards, it helped me to appreciate and want to keep living life. I feel for you. But like I said, you can cry and not "accept" these awful truths, or you can cry and accept them and become stronger and use that pain, guilt etc. towards a positive in life. Perhaps become a spokesperson for siblings and suicide etc. I have hope that you can do this. I am...
 
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AlexisAnne77 responded:
Prescription drugs, sweetheart. Everyone goes through emotional Hell at some point, well, some people anyway, but having family and friends around for support isn't always enough. Unfortunately. Go see a psychiatrist and see what that person recommends. That's just about your only hope at this point. Just keepin' it real . . . Oh, and I'm sorry you lost two people you love. I know it's hard, but you'll get through it.
 
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Jacquelaughs responded:
Michaela25-- My heart goes out to you in this terrible time of loss. I cried when I read your story. The last couple of years have also been very very hard for me because I suffered a similar loss. I was married for 25 years to a man who loved me, but would not make himself emotionally available to me. The only time he did was to explain to me why he wanted a divorce. (How's that for irony! LOL!) About two years ago, I met a very wonderful man. We connected in practically every way, and as we spent more & more time together, both became 100% convinced that we were truly soulmates; given to each other by God. We were engaged to be married on December 22 of this year; on his parents' 70th wedding anniversary. He was kind, caring, generous, compassionate, respectful, supportive, funny, and a gifted child psychologist who made a real difference in the lives of many children during his 40 year career. He also taught parenting classes; sometimes pro-bono. He treated me better than anyone else in my life had ever treated me, and to say we were crazy about each other was an understatement. He was the first person in a very long time--maybe my whole life that I felt totally emotionally safe with. Mid August of 2008, we got home from a month long honeymoon, and he returned to work for the school system. The beginning of September, he told me he had gone back on antidepressants (he had been treated once before for depression). Over the next 7 weeks I watched feeling helpless as his condition worsened. Yes, I took him to the hospital, but he knew the right things to say to get out, and on Oct 21 of last year, he, too took his life. Michaela, both you & I know how painful it is to see your loved one decline in this way. The pain of losing someone you love very very much, especially to suicide, is excruciating! I lost my mother when I was 7, and it was this very very special man who helped me grieve her death properly, 45 years later. (The day after her funeral, it was as if she had never existed. We never spoke of her, and were severely reprimanded when "caught" crying.) Michaela, allow yourself to CRY! My sweetheart told me often the "tears are our friends". There are good chemicals released in the brain when you have a good cry. Build a support network of friends and loved ones who you can turn to if you need a shoulder to cry on, or can just "be there" for you when the going gets hard. Michaela, your brother was very, very ill and most likely in a great deal of emotional pain. When this happens, all reason & logic is gone. I know this may only be a slight comfort to you, but do believe that now your brother is at peace. It wasn't anything you did wrong, or didn't do. He was very very ill. No, there are no answers. i've asked the same questions. I haven't gone yet, but depending on where you live, there are suicide survivor support groups, because one thing that can happen is you can start blaming yourself. But it wasn't you! I have done a lot of reading in this last year, and one book in particular, "Feel the Fear & do it anyway" by Susan Jeffers, PhD contained the words that were a turning point for me. I realized I had a choice: to focus on what I had lost, and be miserable for the rest of my life; or chose to cherish what I GAINED from the time I spent in my loved one's life, and honor his memory by living a life that was truly blessed with all the good that we shared. That, I'm sure, is what both your mother and your brother would want for you, as well. I am also seeing a therapist. She is trained to help me make sense of the senseless, and to guide me through this difficult time. Journaling has also helped. I congratulate you on your courage to come online & tell your story. And i thank YOU for the opportunity to share my experience, because my life gains meaning if I can give even one second of comfort to another grieving soul. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
 
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skm14 responded:
I suffered three losses within a two-year time frame: father, husband and mother. i found the following book to be extremely helpful-"seven choices" by elizabeth harper neeld. i also went to bereavement groups-it helps soooo much to talk to others who are in the grief process-no one else can possibly understand what you're going through. journaling helped too-i wrote nightly about what i was feeling, wrote about family news, wrote directly to my loved ones who had passed. it's very therapeutic. i took some of my husband's clothing and had a memory quilt made, made 'nannie' and 'poppop' pillows out of my parents' clothing. it all helped! it's hard work to get through that long grief tunnel, but you have to feel everything and express/acknowledge the pain-but believe me, it will get better! a short-term antidepressant may be helpful, but you need to be careful about that-you don't want to suppress the grief too much-you want to feel it, cry, move forward through it to the happiness. good luck.....
 
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navyfish responded:
Sorry for your loss. I looked over the others posts and you've got so much positive feed back. I have lost my grandmother who raised me and my grandfather is on his way out. I was a long time addict and used to hide from the pain. I never sought help for my loss or addiction and have payed a dear price. I suffer from depression & have tried to end my life a couple times. This past few months made me re-evaluate life. My wife filed for divorce (3rd one), lost both my jobs & am homeless for the most part. I have a 2 yr old daughter who is my anchor. You said you have a wonderful husband, use his help and seek out a good therapist. I started on wellbutrin recently and it's helping me with my depression and allows me to deal with my issues without being overwhelmed. I have a journal to write my feelings in, along with weekly meetings. Giving up seems like the easy thing to do but it's not. I know what the pain feels like and how you just don't want to get up and move. Sometimes a darkness overcomes you, but fight it. I've been hiding from this point in my life for 34 years. It took me almost loosing my daughter and my life to make me seek help. Don't wait and think "tomorrow will be better". I hid behind that and it ruined me. Being depressed is not a "bad" thing and doesn't make you "crazy". Not seeking help will drive you crazy though. Lean on your husband, ask him to read these posts so he knows what can happen or what the pain is like. Don't close him out. You are lucky to have him. Your true friends will support you in this just like those of here are. Listen to a child laugh, take the time to listen to the breeze, there is so much happiness we overlook in the world.
 
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NightSkyWatcher responded:
This month, September, I will be remembering my youngest sister who died on the 10th. Next month, I will be remembering my late mother's 2nd birthday without her. Cancer took her March 12, 2007. My son died by suicide October 2000. Being depressed is something I am real familiar with. March is my late son's birthday month and my mothers memorial month. July is my little sisters birthday, September is my little sisters memorial month, October is my sons memorial date and mothers birthday. It is like there is no break. I am not going to tell you everything is going to be fine. You don't feel like that right now. There are times I still don't feel like everything will be alright any time soon. My mistake was allowing others to tell me how I should feel and when. Please do not do that. You need to process this all yourself in your own time. Believe me. There are no answers. I have been looking for almost 9 years. Death of a close family member no matter what the circumstances are is just as hard. Take care of yourself whether you feel like it or not. I wish I could hug you. Night Sky Watcher
 
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bbwriter responded:
Hello, I've gotten your post via a bereavement site that I joined when I lost my Mom two years ago after a long illness and set up a home hospice, and the year before lost my brother to suicide, so I wanted to support you in how you feel, if you don't mind. My name is Beth and have been dealing with tremendous emotions to the point where I've become a little bit stronger and want to answer your post. I know how you feel when you say that "...something died inside me...." Take heart. I, too, felt the exact same way. This site seems to be caring, with some Med professionals, and I do support anyone who had the brains to do this for anyone. Medical professionals go through a lot of putting themselves aside to attain their goals. Doctors spend sleepless nights trying to go forward, and nurses as well. It takes so much wherewithall for these stellar individuals to just come to the point where as medical professionals with hearts open up a way for people to express what they are feeling and that also gives others a chance to respond. We're all connected. Most important is the feeling that you are dying, which I'm going to do my best here to say, that's normal. I have felt that way and have pushed myself to comprehend how is the best way to not only go through how I was feeling, but more important is to extend to others in order for good communication to heal. We are all connected. The reason that I am communicating with you is to give you hope when you might feel that with back to back losses has taken such a tremendous toll on you, which it has. How to cope? That's the question here...My Mom was a classical musician and also my brother. My Mom in the last time of her life at 90, would take her oxygen tubes and cross her legs and debate how I felt, and she said, "Consider what's important and put the rest aside." She was on a ventilator a few times and she came out of it, even tho doctors and nurses said it was the end, but I didnt think that it was the end because we were in a different place, beyond drugs and caring med professionals and I know that I did the best I could. As far as my brother...it was very difficult because he took a shotgun to his head and I had to deal with the aftermath. I felt, like you posted, that something died in me as well. But one evening as I had just rented a U-Haul truck and got my brother's stuff out of his house, my son, Charles who is now 27 knew instinctively that I was feeling so bad, turned up Pearl Jam outside and I actually made White Russians and we got so drunk that we puicked on the grass and Charles said, "Mom, don't worry because my Grandmother and my Uncle Bill lives in me and they live in you and I'm right by your side...and he turned up the music very loud. I know exactly how you're feeling and if you want to talk further I'm here. Sending you positive vibes. Beth Don't give up.
 
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CLC53 responded:
Dear Michaela25, Hello to you. I just read your comment and wanted to help in any way I can. I know how you are feeling. I lost my Dad to lung cancer in 2006. I took care of him through hospice at his home. I just lost my Mom to lung cancer May 1, 2009 and I took care of her through hospice at her home. My Dad and Mom were both wonderful and good people. I am especially having a hard time with losing my Mom as she was just 16 years older than me ! We were very close and we had more of a sister relationship all of my life. She lived in another city and so I have just finished selling her home and moving all her things to my home. Some of the things I gave to Goodwill and the Ronald McDonald House. Now I am back home with my husband and my garage is full of mostly things that belonged to my Mom. I have to start the process of going through things and either storing them or hopefully using them somehow in my home. At any rate, everywhere I look I see my Mom and so many memories. I cannot imagine the feeling of the loss of a loved one to suicide. Bless his heart, the Lord knew he could not go on in this world and survive and so he brought him to be with him in heaven. Michaela please believe that your brother is at peace and is in heaven with your Mom and let that be comforting to you. The Lord says that Grace and Faith means believing without seeing and that is what WE here on earth still have to believe in our hearts to be able to go on and have productive and full lives. You know that is what they would want you to do. Also know that one day you will be reunited with all your loved ones in heaven and only the Lord knows when that time will be. None of us really understand these things but we just have to have faith and believe without seeing and trust him to take care of us. You are right when you say you feel like something inside you has died because you have suffered painful losses in your life. I feel that you are depressed because I know that I am and I recognize the symptoms. My first suggestion is to see your doctor and accept any help that he or she may advise. I would like to tell you about a web site that may be of help to you. It is griefshare.org. It tells about grief support groups and where you can find one in your area. I have been to one of these and it is a wonderful and very helpful program. You are with other people that have all had losses similar to you and know exactly how you feel. There is not one person there that has not had a significant loss in their life and are reaching out for help. Usually these are held at a non-denominational church setting and is free for you to attend. They are usually like one evening a week for several weeks and you follow along in a workbook and watch videos and then have discussions. You can either participate in discussions or you can just listen. There is no pressure from anyone for you to do or say anything. I encourage you to look into this. Please contact me anytime if you want . I will be praying for you and just know that God knows your pain and will comfort you and give you strength if you ask him. Love to you, Carla
 
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Michaela25 responded:
Hello everyone......Wow, I did not expect to get so many responses. When I posted my story couple of weeks ago I said that I was not sure why I was sharing my story, but now I know why. Knowing that there are other people who have gone threw similar situations and overcome the grief gives me great hope as well as comfort. So I just want to think all of you for also sharing your stories with me and for giving me all the great advice. I am too sorry for all your losses, and I wish you the best of luck. Optimism is the best medicine :wink: HUGS to you....Michaela.
 
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mainejel responded:
sorry for your loss. my wife died early this year from aggressive breast cancer. my mom died last year with renal failure. my first wife died just six years ago from cancer treatment complications. everyone's grieving process is unique, but it is generally helpful to share feelings and thoughts with others who have experienced similar losses. I found it quite helpful to meet with Hospice grief support groups. Most communities have a Hospice service in the area, perhaps yours does also. Give them a call and ask if you can join one of their groups. I also find it quite helpful to spend time praying and sharing with other Christians. If you have a religious background, it may be helpful to spend some time with affiliates. it is not uncommon to feel a great void inside when someone close to you has died, regardless of the cause. depression is also a common grieving experience. I believe it is wise not to wallow in depression for very long, you can get help from your primary care physician for temporary relief from depression and recommendations for further help. don't wait too long. if you're not allergic to flowers, get some in your home and work space. cry when you need to, but take time to watch or listen to comedy shows and read comics and other humorous books. try something new, like a short weekend trip or a new hobby. I hope this helps a little.


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