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Grieving my fertility
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Jody64504 posted:
I can't seem to stop crying. The mention of a baby and I am in tears...it's very hard to maintain a straight face while fighting back tears. I have so much anger and hatred for myself for not being able to do something others can do. Why me, why was I chosen to be unable to have children. I feel as if I did when my father and niece died. That a part of me died also. I can't seem to GET OVER IT, as I have been told to do so many times. I feel as if I have no friends because nobody seems to understand my grief. How can you miss something you've never had. I miss it everyday and wonder how long this feeling will last? As long as I live and then wonder how long that will be. I took meds *paxil* when my father died. I was devastated over that. But don't want the meds, the withdrawal was horrible. I just can't seem to accept this sentence I've been given. I don't hate children at all, but don't want to be around them, it's a reminder of what I will never have. Am I selfish? Am I cold hearted because I alienate myself from pregnant friends? Is that rude? I have been told it is and I see it as a self defense mechanism. If another child was never born, it wouldn't hurt my feelins any, but this will never happen. I feel as if I have been sentence to suffer this torture the rest of my life. I am so tired of it. I use to be a happy person but not any longer, I see nothing to be happy about nor anything to look forward to.
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listless responded:
I'm sorry I used to feel the same way, cry at the sight of new babies, not wanting to be around children, or happy pregnant mothers. It was all a reminder of what I lost and couldn't do. I had a miscarriage at 22 weeks. After that I was diagnosed with a rare autoimmune disorder and was told I will never be able to carry or have kids from myself IVF and surrogacy are not an option for me but that doesn't mean I can't adopt provided my doctor is wrong on my time frame of life.

With that being said "do I think your selfish for not wanting to be around them".... no it is a self defense behavior. Will aliienating yourself from them make it any easier to deal with... no it won't. You do however need time to grieve and heal.

If you "can't accept this sentance you've been given" have you thought about the other options out there such as IVF, Surrogacy, or adoption?

I would also suggest talking to a counselor. Sometimes just talking through your feelings can make a difference and if medication is something he/she thinks would be good for you than there are others aside from Paxil that might work for you but that is something that you would ultimately have to decide on for yourself.

The one thing I can tell you though is it does get better over time and you can be happy again.
 
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Boomer_ responded:
your the first person who I have come across that feels EXACTLY what I am going through. I have had a total of 5 pregnancies that I lost. The furthest I ever got was to 6 1/2 months. the baby died of gastrochisis. That was about 9 years ago. About 3 years ago I got into a really bad accident and they xrayed all over me and I had major surgery. The doctors didnt realize I was pregnant at the time and had given me so many dangerous drugs, combo'd with the xrays, the recommended to "induce a miscarriage because of risk to the pregnancy " this last year alone was the absolute worst. I lost one pregnancy in march almost right away. I made one to 4 months and the baby just....died inside me. my body wasnt passing in so they had to do a surgical extraction. I was so DEVASTATED and completely heartbroken . I got pregnant again to 7 weeks and lost the baby on 10/30. I went to a specialist who said "these things just happen to some people and why dont know why." I cant carry babies. I really do understand your frustration, anger and depression. your last line is exactly how I felt and checked myself into a mental health clinic for a few days. They put me on a lot of meds assuring me that things will get better.....eventually. God I hope thats true for the both of us. AND NO...YOU ARE NOT SELFISH, your just dealing with things the best you know how to right now.
 
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Jody64504 responded:
It is *unfortunately* nice to have someone who knows how i feel in regards to this issue. I am so sorry to hear about your issues, I can't imagine how devastating it would be, to be so close then have it pass away. You definately have my sympathies in regards to your many losses. I have given up hope and lost most of my faith in regards to my being a mom. I have a new puppy who seems to think of me as mom , so it's helping me quite a bit. By no means is it a replacement but a good substitute. I have thought of counseling, but am leery of doing it. I don't want the medicications involved. I went thru that, you pretty much have no feelings at all on some of them. My husband (my rock), he listens and doesn't complain every month when my horomones decide to make me greive all over again. He has a daughter from a previous marriage so he doesn't 100% understand how i feel. But, I am better today, *if just for today*. Another girl popped up pregnant so, it will start within the next few months again. I am to old for babies now, but will always have wondered what my child would have looked like. My only consolation, i won't leave anyone behind to grieve for me when I die. It's not much of a consolation, but it's all I have. Peace be with you my dear. Will keep my fingers crossed that so small miracle will happen for you. They say miracles still happen, perhaps you will receive one! Hugs! Jody
 
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Caprice_WebMD_Staff responded:
Hi Jody,

Medications do not have to be part of therapy, so please consider it as it may help you. (((hugs)))
 
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AllMe3 responded:
I can so relate with you all and jody64504, you nailed it on the head with the comment that your hubbie has kids already so he doesn't understand. My husband has 4 from a prev marriange and now 7 grandkids... he started early in life...

It is becoming more gutwrenching for me as people I know flow through life having babies, while I feel like i'm stuck on pause.

When my monthly gift comes I want to scream... and often do into pillows..

::sigh::
 
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onthejourney responded:
I understand much of what you all feel. I am 38 and depressed and anxious and I know it is because my baby years are ending. My situation is different because I do have 2 children, so I know I am lucky. I regret not really trying to have more and now I may be too old. My husband felt we were done and I never had the strength or courage to admit maybe I wanted more. I lost my parents when I was young and have always sort of lived a "cautious" life, just taking on what I could handle, knowing there is no safety net. So I felt for a long time that 2 was what we could handle. I also don't like to be around people with babies, or happy pregnant mothers right now. I think it is a defense mechanism, and Jody, you are not selfish. I can't imagine the pain of not having any children, as I am a mess even with children. Fertility is such a powerful, primal thing, especially for women. I am just so grieving and don't want to live my life in the past or having regrets like I do right now. I agree with the person who said how some people just float through life having babies. I wonder why I couldn't do that. Please know that you are not alone.
 
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FidalgoGirl responded:
Hi Jody,

I'm relieved to have read your message. I too am having to grieve for the loss of my fertility. My husband and I have been trying unsuccessfully to conceive our own children for 10 years, have been denied for adoption and fostering because of health issues and told by family that they can not accept any child brought into the family by gestational surrogacy. 2 years into our marriage, I started seeing Doctors to discover the reasons as to why we weren't yet with child. Only to be told that I was too fat and needed to lose weight. It got to the point that 4 doctors in as many months said "you have plenty of time to have children, but you will not live to see 30 unless you get the weight off". Does that statement make sense to anyone else? But naively, I believed them. Was advised it was too late to lose with diet and excercise and that Gastric Bypass was my only option. Again, stupid me, I listened. That was 7 years ago...and I was still no closer to having any children. Last August, I started seeing a fertility specialist. At my second visit, he basically said, i'm done. There will NEVER be children for my husband and I. Stated that my fallopian tubes had discinegrated and the tissue had wrapped itself around my ovaries becoming cysts. He also told me that had I seen a specialist sooner, the issue could have been reversed...By this time, my husband and I had already been denied the ability to adopt a child or even foster one due to complications stemming from the gastric bypass (hence my failing health). Needless to say, i've been very angry, upset at everything and trying to hide from the world. I'm no better than a unic. In October, I was diagnosed with severe depression and placed on Fluoxitine as well as assigned to a counselor to work through the grief. If I never was fertile, how am I to grieve for the loss of it? Never the less, here I am. Was advised by my counselor to find a support group to find someone to talk to...I thought thats what the counselor was for?! Sorry, didn't mean to give you my whole life's story, just wanted to say, i'm with you. I know how you feel. I feel the same.
 
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macksmama responded:
I understand what you all are going through. I too suffered through infertility for years before conceiving my daughter. Then at the tender age of two she drown while at the babysitters. While going through the grieving process of losing my daughter I have come to realize that PART of what I was grieving, both now and through the infertility, was the loss of a dream, of course losing my daughter was 100x worse but there is a connection. So what you are feeling is understandable. You are not being selfish you are being human and grieving the loss of your dream. You need to find a counselor or a support group to help you through. Joining this chat room is a good start but you need to take it one step farther. I hope that you all find your peace somehow. God bless you all.
 
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Jody64504 responded:
I am suprised and grateful for all the notes from all of you. I think *fingers crossed* I have come to terms finally that I won't be a mom. I still want to cry at certain times of the month when my horomones go crazy . I am doing somewhat better, and no I didn't seek counseling at all. I truly don't know what happened. I think to be honest, I had a late period and even with endometriosis there is the .1% chance I could be pregnant. I didn't want to take the test and when I did and it was negative I was relieved. My financial situation right now is not even close to being able to welcome a new family member. I think that is what honestly made me wake up and accept the fact that children are not in my future. I can't say that I won't cringe at the sight of newborns. *I have another girl at work expecting* I suppose I should be happy with what I have. A wonderful husband, a good home, a puppy and kitty that keep me occupied. I appreciate all of that and much more. I guess I will always wonder what my child would have looked like. Would it have had my eyes, my chin, it's fathers ? I will never know. Now when I think like that the tears flow, as they are now. But, as I've heard so many times, that is life. Today, at least this is how I feel. Who knows what tomorrow will a bring.
 
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Jody64504 responded:
I am so sorry to hear about your baby. Please accept my sympathies. I can't imagine the hurt you have suffered. I agree that the dream is what I grieved also. The dream of having a family of your own. It's all I had ever wanted. To be somebodys mom. I would rather be childless than to have lost my child. I thank you for your insite and hope to coverse with you again.
 
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lost2endo responded:
Hello there, I am so sorry to hear of your pain. I too know what you are going through, I can not give you words of hope or advise at this point for I have just recently found out that I am unable to bear children due to severe endometriosis, pelvic adhesive disease, clubbed tubes and PID. I went to fertility doc yesterday and was told a full hysterectomy needs to be done ASAP because of the aggressiveness and severity of my disease. I had laporscopic surgery 6 months ago in hope they would be able to preserve my fertility but it was too late. I am now grieving as if I lost a loved one, I can not be around children and cry at the sight of babies. I guess the only thing I can say is that you are not alone..I am not sure where to go from here or what tomorrow will bring, but for now I cry so that my tears can heal my soul. Good luck to you and God Bless!
 
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norcal02 replied to macksmama's response:
Thanks for your post. reading it helped a little. I have a son who is six, but like clock work i lost my chances of any more children as i turned 30. I am so angry and depresses it wasnt untill the chance was gone that i relized I wanted a large family. I hope it doesnt sound strange that I would conect to you but your story struck a cord with me. Thank you.
 
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whorescuedwho responded:
Hi... I have just read your post and am wondering how you are doing - now that it has been two years since you originally posted here. The things you wrote were things that could have come out of my own mouth, or typed with my fingers. ... My depression, anger, etc goes so far as to actually be jealous of people who have had miscarriages. Because, they at least had the chance to feel that miracle inside them. After many years of trying, I had a hysterectomy shortly before turning 32. I thought that by getting rid of my troubled organs, I would no longer be obsessed with pregnancy/having a baby. I was wrong... I am going to be 35 in a few months, and things have only gotten sooo much worse. while I don't miss my painful (physically and mentally) periods ... I find myself regretting my decision to get a hysterectomy. My mother was the only person to try and convince me to wait a while. and, of course, from my dysfunctional childhood, I naturally want to go against her opinions. Why didn't anyone else step up. why didn't I stand my ground and be more persistent in my wishes to at least try to conceive via help from the doctors. While I had a lot of my own issues, all of the test the doctors did indicated that I should be able to carry a child... it was mostly male factor infertility that kept us from having kids. My husband had a mental breakdown during this, so I tried to convince him-and myself- the the problems were b/c of me, not him. our marriage, now in it's 9th year, has never really recovered and we aren't the same people we were back then. I have alienated myself from my friends and family b/c they just don't understand. or, they understand, but live in a state that forces insurance companies to cover infertility treatments. Which thinking of that upsets me... why do they now have 2 kids-thanks to IVF-just b/c of where they live.

in all... I will end as you did, I see nothing to be happy about nor anything to look forward to.
 
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StephMu08 replied to whorescuedwho's response:
whorescuedwho,

Your story sounds almost exactly like mine. I came across this thread, now that all of the messages are aged between 1-3 years. I was hoping some of you might still be around. I just had my hysterectomy in October and I'm steadily going downhill. I know some challenges with adoption and surrogacy have made this even worse, but I'm struggling with depression now. We stopped our insurance after they paid for my surgery (it was $1,100 a month due to pre-exsitsting condition). I need counseling but we really can't afford it right now, as we just moved cross country. I contacted a local University with an amazing health care system and I'm hoping to get an appointment with them. It appears that it is free.

If you happen to see this reply, please contact me. I would love to connect and see how you are doing. I will watch for your reply"026.

Take care of yourselves. You're all lovely people and every day I ask myself why good people like us have to go through this. There is no answer and we will never know. That is also part of the process of 'accepting.'

Much love,
Steph


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