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    falling apart
    nell1989 posted:
    It's been a while since I've been on here but I feel the need to check in. Two months ago I became an aunt and that has helped me in some ways. On the other hand my niece was named after my aunt who passed away two years ago. Every time I look at her I'm reminded of my aunt and the pain of her loss. Holidays just passed and another special occasion is coming up, and I feel as though I'm falling apart again. I barely function. Can't sleep. Anniversary of the death of one of my other relatives was last week and that also hurts.I find myself lost. I don't know how to handle this new pain... it's a different type of pain... not the type I've been dealing with previously. This is deeper down. My family just thinks I'm crazy but I can't deal with this alone. Yet I don't want to dump my problems on the few people I would normally get support from because I don't want to ruin their mood with my issues. But I'm hurting inside and don't know what to do with myself. Just want it to stop.
    Caprice_WebMD_Staff responded:
    Hi Nell,

    I've been wondering how you're doing. Congratulations on becoming an aunt! Hold on to that AND to the knowledge that you were able to find some positives in your life. That means you will again.

    The holiday season can be difficult for anyone who has experienced real loss. Add to that an anniversary and it makes it that much more tough. (((hugs)))

    But you can get through this too. What concerns me is you're isolating yourself again. Please let those few people who DO support you in on how you are feeling now. Often sharing that out can go a very long way to easing the pain.
    nell1989 replied to Caprice_WebMD_Staff's response:
    Caprice, I know you're right. I have been isolating myself quite a bit lately. I'm not sure why. I guess I just don't truly believe that ruining the moods of these few people, by dumping my problems on them will really help. It might give me 2 or 3 ok days, but after that I'll be hopeless again. I tried to call one of the people I usually get support from. But I just couldn't talk to her. I hung up before she answered. She called back but I just couldn't bring myself to talk to her.

    I've lost most of my family and just don't have much of a reason to keep going. My niece is so beautiful... precious... innocent. I try to stay away from her most of the time. I don't want her to be around an aunt that is constantly on the verge of crying her eyes out. She doesn't deserve that. I got what I deserve. I deserve to be alone. But she deserve to live a long happy life. I wish I could believe that there's still hope for me out there. That things will get better. But I don't know. They've been like this for so long... I barely remember what it's like to be happy. My family seems to think everything that goes wrong is my fault. Maybe it is.
    Caprice_WebMD_Staff replied to nell1989's response:
    No one deserves to be alone, Nell.

    And you have every reason to live.... you still do have family, you have a niece now too. Let yourself be around her. Find laughter and smiles where you can. Let her get to know you.

    And stop isolating. It isn't working. Be careful, too, about looking beyond this day. Take it one day at a time and take care of yourself as best you can (including talking to those who support you) in that day.
    nell1989 replied to Caprice_WebMD_Staff's response:
    I wish this horrid pain would pass. Caprice, how long did it take you to feel relief after some of your toughest losses? I can't take much more of this. Had the anniversary of the death of another one of my relatives, a few days ago. Have another anniversary coming up in less than a week. I tried calling the few people that usually help me, but can't reach them. I don't know... maybe they're ignoring me. I wouldn't blame them. I'm not the easiest person to deal with. And it can't be easy for them dealing with someone that's always on the verge of falling apart. Just don't know what else to do. I wish my aunt was here. I miss her so much. At least there was some hope alive when she alive. No matter how hopeless things got... there was always hope as long as she was here with me. That's why I took care of her for those 4 long years. Because life made sense when she was around. Now... it's not life... it's existance. It's just going through the motions. And I'm so tired of these constant depressing motions. I don't want to take care of myself if this is what I have to look forward to.
    Caprice_WebMD_Staff replied to nell1989's response:
    It took me about two years for the pain to really start easing. And it's taken longer to stop missing them.

    What I try to focus on is their life and how they enriched my life, the gifts they gave, the laughter I enjoyed, the love, rather than focusing on their deaths and how they are no longer here with me.

    Keep taking care of yourself. I'll say again.... stop assuming that how you feel now is how you will always feel. You do NOT know that, you really don't. But you have to take steps to ensure next year will be better for you, and the year after that. These are choices you have.

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