Grief & Loss Community

Hi...I don't even know how to begin explaining what happened.
My mom had been ill, but not so much so that we thought she would die, although I did realize she would probably not live to her mid-70s or 80s as her parents had. (She was only 63 herself). I thought she'd at least live long enough for her grandchildren (my nieces) to remember her. She had many health problems, mainly related to diabetes and heart disease. She'd been staying since June at a nursing-home type facility for short-term rehab, after a hospital stay left her unable to walk (she had had issues walking before, but she was still able to care for herself up until then). We always held out the hope that she would improve and be able to return home, but just before Christmas she ended up in the hospital one last time.

To make a long story short, it was eventually decided she would get a pacemaker/defribullator to help improve her heart function as she had congestive heart failure (which we knew she had before), though she had many heart blockages which they decided were inoperable (either because of too much damage, or too risky, not sure).

The weekend before last, she was in ICU but we were assured she was OK and wouldn't have the pacemaker until at least Tues. So that Mon.(1/10) around noon I saw I had a message from 9 am to call the hospital and speak to this doctor or another one; I called back and got the other. Doctor said that my mom was OK and they were still deciding which procedure to do, I then went about my day, intending to visit Mom later. On the way into the hospital around 5, I got a call from my sister who was already up in her room, telling me they took Mom for the pacemaker (had no idea). They had us wait in the cath lab waiting room for 1/2 hour or so, when they took us down the hall to an office to tell us she had passed away during the procedure. (literally just then, while we were waiting). We were in complete shock, as we'd both intended to spend the entire day of the procedure there with her. We never really believed that this procedure would kill her. After questioning everyone I could over the course of 2 days, to find out what happened, and why we weren't notified about the procedure, I found out that the first doctor had called me at 9 am at my mom's request so that we would know. (Never did anyone say she was scheduled for that day, and incidentally they failed to call my sister who I had made sure was also listed as a contact just the day before). Which means that she was laying there waiting from 9-3 or so, wondering why her daughters didn't care enough to be there with her.

I feel like I am never going to be able to live with myself over this. So many things could have been done differently over the last few months, and I feel the need to question each and every one of them. I was visiting my mom almost every day, and while she was capable of making her own decisions, I was helping her and perhaps sometimes influenced her decisions in the process. So I feel responsible in a way for what happened. And the fact that we weren't there to comfort her when I know she was so anxious about it will always haunt me. I almost feel like I need forgiveness from someone, I tell her I"m sorry every day, but it's not enough.

(continued below because am running out of space...)