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Loss of spouse
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maxsmamma posted:
My sister just recently lost her husband to a sudden heart attack right in front of herself and children, he was in early 50's, he was also my best friend...I am doing well, but my sister is just barely getting by, any tips to help her out would be appreciated, and believe me I know there is no one answer, but I feel is is my duty to get her through this.
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Caprice_WebMD_Staff responded:
I am so sorry for your loss and the suddenness of it. I'm not an expert on this, just someone who has been on this same journey and done a lot of reading here, and so these are my personal thoughts....

Loss is always difficult but when it happens unexpectedly it can send you reeling.

Along with simply grieving, your sister is probably still processing the loss and how it's going to impact her and her children. She may also just be plain scared.

So being there for her, as I'm sure you will, can help. Helping her with the basic things like sorting out their banking and wills and how the children will be cared for, etc. If you live close, you might want to be a regular presence in their home to help her with child care. The kids are going to be frightened too and the more consistency and stability they can have, while acknowledging the grieving, the better chance they'll eventually be okay.

Children - whatever their age - and the tasks involved in taking care of them can be good at this point, because you have to get out of bed every day, have to go grocery shopping, have to look out for them. Those things can pull a person forward.

Let her guide how it all goes. There's no one right way to grieve and everyone does it at their own pace. But be there to encourage and support her especially if you notice her getting unable to function.

Be gentle with yourself too. (((hugs)))
 
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Jaime510 replied to Caprice_WebMD_Staff's response:
May I say something about my mom here, I lost my dad last month and at times I get worried about my mom. Sometimes I hear her cry her eyes out at night and it pains me to hear it but I know its something that apart of healing.. During the day, she takes care of things around the house and stuff... But I do worry about her physical health sometimes hoping shes ok when she gets really sad.. I hope as time goes on things will get better for her..
I know having company over, family and close friends, help and helping out with things around the house is good too.
 
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Caprice_WebMD_Staff replied to Jaime510's response:
Great post, Jaime. I'm sure you are a solace to your mom and I hope you're taking care of yourself too.
 
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Raymondswife replied to Caprice_WebMD_Staff's response:
I too, lost my husband recently, February 1st. He was 54, and we have 3 beautiful little boys at home who miss their daddy very much. The daytime is tolerable because I stay busy, but the nights are the absolute worst time. I feel as if I have been split in half and have no idea who I am anymore
 
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bonnieindiana responded:
I too just lost my Sig. Other, we have been together for 9 years (planning on getting married). He was 48 and passed away Feb 2 this year with sudden heart problems we never even knew he had. It has just been 2 months and I just don't know what to do - I feel like I am walking around numb and the world has gone on and forgotten him....I just cannot do this..I cry at work, at the store, everywhere and cannot control myself...HOW DO we just let them go and keep going on?? I fack it most of the time, just to get through the day. Everyone says time will heal but this is just too hard!
 
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Caprice_WebMD_Staff replied to bonnieindiana's response:
Dear Bonnie,

I am so sorry for your loss. You're right in focusing on getting through each day one day at a time. It IS hard and there's no real way around that.

Keep taking care of your physical health, let yourself cry, and be wary of isolating yourself even though it can be tempting at time.

Be patient with yourself and with the process. I wish it could ease more quickly, but it does take time. (((gentlehugs)))
 
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bonnieindiana replied to Caprice_WebMD_Staff's response:
Time is all I have! I hate it....I do not want to be here with out him... I just cannot even believe that he is gone sometimes, then with in seconds it smacks me right up side the head unexpectally. I just don't know how much of this I can take. I have nothing to look forward to in life. He and I were together for 9 years this month (March) I was supposed to be moving in with him and starting our lives together 4ever. NOW WHAT?? Nothing!
 
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Caprice_WebMD_Staff replied to bonnieindiana's response:
Dear Bonnie,

Be careful about judging the rest of your life by how hard it all is now. Don't look too far ahead, just get through each day.

I lost my love over five years ago and know where you are now and how very difficult this is. I really do and I'm so sorry. (((hugs)))

Remember to breathe.
 
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HRE2nd replied to Caprice_WebMD_Staff's response:
What happens when you don't have anyone to confide in? My husband passed away 7 months ago. I was with him when he died, I was giving him CPR. I feel so guilty about not being able to keep him alive. We were married for 40 years and it was a happy marriage. We have two children but they have families of their own and don't have much time for me. I am so lonely and feel very isolated. I know that my children can't pick up all of the slack in my life but I wish that I knew that they actually cared. I know that they love me but my daughter is always judging me, she thinks that I am not doing anything to help myself. I feel that I am doing the best that I can. I just wish that my children would try to have more contact with me. My daughter only speaks to me through text messages. My son calls about once a week. The lonliness is killing me!
 
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Caprice_WebMD_Staff replied to HRE2nd's response:
You come here, HRE2nd.

You take steps to take care of your physical health each and every day... getting out for a walk, eating health, taking up projects to keep you busy.

And perhaps start looking into grief support groups in your area. All communities have them.

Isolation is our enemy and it's up to us to take steps to remedy that. Look into various hobbies, etc., in your community. If you belong to a church, reach out there too.

No one who hasn't been here really can understand. They just can't. No one in my life understood either. They loved me and tried to help but really couldn't. I had to do it for myself and keep moving myself forward. You can too.
 
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bonnieindiana replied to HRE2nd's response:
To HRE2nd:
Hi I totally feel your pain, although I was not married to my man, my best friend - we had been together for 9 years (first 3 as friends then as a couple the last 6) he was a wonderful man and it has just demollished my world...he passes away in Feb 2011, his birthday is coming up Aug. 14 and I am so lost. He died in the hospital within a 2 week period, I was with him at the time. This is so unfair! I was to be moving in with him in his house we were redecorating in March...we have been planning this for 3 years and the time had come to make the move. Now I have no plans for my life...i am so lost. My kids too are grown and have their own kids and life..they do call but they just tell me I need to go get medicine for depression. I do not want to do that! so I try to act like I am ok when talking to them for the most part ....I am so alone, it is as if no one wants to talk about him as if it is tabo - he is gone and that is life, we must move on (I am so sick of hearing that)....how do you move on with your dreams smashed and ripped out from underneith you? My best friend is gone! I am trying to just take it one day at a time...I work, go home and go for walks...I talk to him often...I don't want to let him go...I am so sorry you have to feel this pain too...I wish it on no one, ever! Hang in there we will make it just not sure how yet. big hug!!
 
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Caprice_WebMD_Staff replied to bonnieindiana's response:
Hi Bonnie and welcome here. Thank you for reaching out to support another.

Please know that the support is here for you too.

P.S. What is with that, with people avoiding the topic as if it would all disappear if it's not mentioned? And/or somehow thinking that grief is NOT a natural part of one's life when someone we love has died?

Drives me crazy.
 
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bonnieindiana replied to Caprice_WebMD_Staff's response:
I know! I feel we need to talk about it, we need to cry and greive...If I cannot talk about him and miss him then what is the purpose to living and loving someone...he was a great man and I would hate to think someone else is missing him/someome and has no one to talk to about it. What is the purpose of live then...?? To Live, to Love, touch eachothers lives...kripe I missed him when I was not with him when he was alive - why would it be tabo to miss him more now?? Its crazy!! Thanks to you ane this site for giving us a place to go and share with others...
 
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Caprice_WebMD_Staff replied to bonnieindiana's response:
You're welcome, Bonnie.

Talk here any time and perhaps others will start supporting one another here too.


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