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    My mom
    Sue1234567 posted:
    Hi, I posted earlier about my mom, but I feel I put too much info in it and want to let it sink to the bottom rather than keep adding to that same post. Tomorrow will be 4 weeks since my mom died. I still really can't forgive myself for letting it happen, when I knew she should have been in a different hospital, and for convincing her the procedure was safe, and many other things, really. Not to mention how horrible I'd been to her at times...I'd gotten so angry at her when she wouldn't get out of bed for physical therapy, when I know now she was probably more ill than I'd thought. I even told her once that I wouldn't let her come home from the rehab place and be bedridden (which she was considering), and that if she did that I would move out. She barely reacted to that, but it had to have hurt her. This was because I (and others in my family) felt she was not pushing hard enough and didn't care enough to start walking and take care of herself as she had been a few months earlier. (For what it's worth, my dad says she always said she appreciated everything I did for her, but that almost makes me feel worse, because I feel like it was never really enough). I keep going over all the things I said, and all of the points at which different decisions could have been made about her care, and wishing I could go back to any one of them.
    I'm not thinking about it all the time, but it seems like as soon as I forget, I see something or think of something that upsets me all over again. (My mom's figurines in the cabinet, her car in the driveway, I even just about lost it the other day when I was out with a friend and her mom called her). I haven't yet made it a whole day without crying. Today I finally finished taking down the tree, and that just set me off all over again. (When I put it up, I'd had hopes that she would get to see it...and definitely thought she would be home to see it next year. ) I am OK most of the time that I am with others, but when I'm alone it's another story, especially if I am not watching TV or doing something else that lets me stop thinking. Driving isn't good either, as it gives me too much time to think. I dread going to bed at night for the same reason. Sometimes I wonder if I'm going crazy. Being upset and not getting enough sleep is starting to get to me; I'm slightly anger-prone as it is, but I flipped out at my dentist's office the other day, and they are extremely nice there, it was very uncalled for.

    Tomorrow I'm going out of town to see some relatives, they live in a warmer climate which will be nice for a change. I am hoping I can get through any conversations about my mom without having hysterics in front of anyone. Hopefully things will seem better when I return.
    Caprice_WebMD_Staff responded:
    I understand about those periods of having too much time to think. I've been there too. (((hugs)))

    I'm going to talk to you as a mom of grown sons.... even with all the ups and downs that any relationship goes through, even with health issues getting in the way, I know, beyond a doubt, that my sons love me. And I forgive them anything. That's just how it is when you're a mother. I believe that's true for your mother too. I hope that one day you can forgive yourself too.

    I hope the break away offers you some respite. This loss is still all very new and it's not surprising that it all feels so raw.

    Be gentle with yourself, dear Sue.
    Sue1234567 replied to Caprice_WebMD_Staff's response:
    Thank you very much, I hope you are right about that. It's hard for me to see it from a mother's perspective since I don't have children myself.
    Being away has been very good for me, particularly since I'm around people most of the time and don't have time to think about anything, and the change of scenery is good, too. I'm thinking of staying here permanently at this point.
    Caprice_WebMD_Staff replied to Sue1234567's response:
    Sounds like settling there could be a good thing for you, Sue. :-) I'm glad it's helping.
    grievingdaughter2010 responded:
    hi, i recently lost my mother, she was 80yrs old and died on 12/30/10. she was under hospice care here at her home, which i shared with her. I am 50yrs. old and have 5 other siblings. i was my mothers primary caregiver and she was my best friend. i dont think that i have ever been soooo sad in my entire life. my family has dealt with a lot of loss- my oldest sister died in 1994, my father died in 1996 - both of these occured while i was incarcerated for almost 12yrs. my niece died in 09 and another sister died in 2004 - also here at home through hospice. i was out when she passed and it was sad, but the loss of my mother has been absolutely devastating for me. i feel like i am walking in a cloud, not sure of how to laugh or smile or even breathe. i am an addict who suffers from bi-polar disorder and ptsd and have of late just been floating around. i live in the home my mother died in, as i have lived here with her for the last 10yrs. i was with her when she took her last breath. it was both humbling and an honor to be able to help her move on but the pain i feel is so deep that i cant even find the beginning layer of it.

    just wanted to talk. thanks for listening. wanda
    Caprice_WebMD_Staff replied to grievingdaughter2010's response:
    Talk here any time, Wanda.

    I understand what you mean about being both humbling and an honor to be there for her.

    Be gentle with yourself, dear one. (((softhugs))) I am so sorry for all your losses, including this latest one. I hope that, eventually, it brings you comfort to know you were there for her not just in her last moments but for the last 10 years.
    grievingdaughter2010 replied to Caprice_WebMD_Staff's response:
    Thanks for the hugs. it does bring me comfort knowing i was there for her, but it hurts all the same. it seems like i am the only one in the family still hurting, or is it just that everyone else has moved on with their lives, jobs and families? i still feel alone in my pain, and they ( family members) arent willing to open up and share their pain with me. my family is very private, not quick to show emotion, except for myself, and it makes it hard to deal with this. thanks for listening
    Caprice_WebMD_Staff replied to grievingdaughter2010's response:
    Everyone grieves differently and there's no right or wrong way TO grieve.

    Others may be busier, others may just be suffering in silence because that's what they think they need to do. My family sounds a bit like yours.

    Talk here but also find others you can talk to who will hear you. Friends, grief support groups, etc.

    This really is a very recent lost. Be patient with yourself and with the process. Have you tried journaling?

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