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    if i could just have one more conversation with my mom.....
    grievingdaughter2010 posted:
    my name is wanda and my best friend passed away on december 30, 2010. she passed at home under hospice care, in which , for the last 2 weeks of her wonderful life, i took on the responsibility of taking care of her, along with my other brothers and sisters and my boyfriend. she would have been 81 yrs old on jan 19, that was the day we buried her. she had raised 8 children, married to my father for 47 yrs (who passed away in 1996-december 4th). she had 11 grand kids and 20 great grandkids. i moved in with my mother in 2000, along with my boyfriend, as we were homeless and struggling. she never turned her back on any of us and loved us all sooo deeply and unselfishly. when i moved in with her, she became my best friend, and i hers, we totally trusted each other and she knew that i would always be there for her. I spent 12 yrs. incarcerated and she never missed a visit and never was ashamed of me and my past. i took care of her wholeheartedly until the day she died. she suffered from COPD, and that december caught a cold that she couldnt shake. she wanted to come home to die and that is where she went. i sat with her through the transition from life to death, medicated her , held her hand, talked and sang to her. she was not afraid and ready to go, because she knew we would be okay. but i'm not!!! I MISS HER SO MUCH THAT IT HURTS DEEP IN MY SOUL!!! If i could have just one more conversation with her, or hear her voice one more time, i tell myself i will be okay then, but i know that is not true. i am now on antidepressents, valium and i am afraid of my thoughts most of the time. my family says it is hardest on me because i still live here in her house, and i will never leave it, i promised her that i would not let it go. but i am constantly in a fog.
    thats all for now, would love to hear from someone.

    thanks for listening ---Grievingdaughter2010
    Caprice_WebMD_Staff responded:
    Dear Wanda,

    I responded on your other post too but wanted to welcome you here as well.

    This loss is so very recent, no wonder it's hurting so much at this point. Be kind to yourself, take care of your physical well-being (rest, eat, exercise), and take it one day at a time. It will get easier.

    It sounds like you had a lovely relationship with your mom.

    Be gentle with yourself.
    bonnieindiana responded:
    I am so sorry for your loss...I am also in a fog! I lost my best friend/Boyfirend of 9 years on Feb. 2nd. He had been fine then found out he had a heart mermer just a few days beofre my birthday Jan 16th.... he was perfectly fine until then. He then found out he had 2 bad valves and needed bypass surgery wich he had on Jan. 25th ... he needed another procedure (which they did not do there) so we were transporting him to another bigger hospital and they lost oxy to his brain in the ambelance never told anyone extreamly sedated him then dropped him off at the hospital (no one knew it) until the next morning when they did a brain scan and figured out he was brain dead. we unhooked him on the 2nd and I have been just like you so lost telling myself it will be ok it just takes time.....I have not went to the Dr. for antidepressents because I hate taking anything and don't want to get hooked on anything. I just don't know how long I can do this I too an afraid of the thoughts in my head - I JUST DONT WANT TO DO THIS WITHOUT HIM!!! I work all day and cry all the way home from holding it in all day (when I can), try to stay busy in the evenings and weekends but it is just getting the best of me. This is just to hard he was such a GREAT person and treated me like a queen. he was so possative about the out come and said just get it done so we can spend the rest of our lives together..... now it is just me and I HATE LIFE WITHOUT HIM!! This has changed who I am to my utter core and I don't know what to do.
    I feel your pain and "I am so sorry" for your loss...
    Caprice_WebMD_Staff replied to bonnieindiana's response:
    Dear Bonnie,

    I am so sorry for your heartbreak and I'm glad you found us and are reaching out.

    That's one of the things that can pull you through... reaching out to others so I hope you'll keep talking here. Reach out to those around you too.

    This is so hard and your loss is still very new. This is going to take time and work on your part. Allow yourself to grieve, but also take care of your physical health in the meantime even if you may not want to. Be careful about isolating yourself.

    You do not have to figure out how to live the rest of a long life. You just need to get through the next hour... and then the next and the next.

    Remember to breathe and be very gentle with yourself. (((hugs)))
    grievingdaughter2010 replied to bonnieindiana's response:
    hi bonnie,
    I am so sorry for your loss and need for you to know that i feel your pain, sorrow, anger and saddness. my beautiful mother left us on december 30 of last year and still even now it feels like she died an hour ago. i can understand being afraid of the thoughts in your head - i have never wanted so badly to just go and join my mother, but i know that she wouldnt want that. and i am pretty sure that your wonderful guy wouldnt want that for you either. grieving is so hard and confusing. i find that lately i have been able to smile when i think about things mom and i would do or tv shows that we would laugh at - instead of crying over the memories, i can enjoy them now. day by day, hour by hour minute by minute, second by second. dont get me wrong, i still have those days when it all hits again and i cant even get out of bed, eat or sleep, i just cry. it doesnt get better, but it DOES GET EASIER!!! it is a slow and long process. you have to allow yourself to feel any and alll emotions that you are feeling - let them happen - that's the grieving process that we are going through sweetie. if you want to email me, here is my address: -in case you need to chat or just whatever.

    bonnieindiana replied to grievingdaughter2010's response:
    I havent been on here for a some point it made it worse when in the beginning it was good to know others were feeling what I was feeling......but now it brings it all back. I am moving forward....but I feel like I am not ME. I don't know WHO - I am any more....and I am sure you feel this as well without being able to call your Mom like you did when you needed your Mom to talk to .....cuz talking to someone else is nothing like talking to her.....I still have my Mom and Dad...and am very thankful for that even though I fear loosing them as they are getting up there in age. So for that I am sorry for YOUR loss! Your words were comforting to me and gave me some hope that someday I would see the sunshine again and somehow I got up and took one step at a time....I am doing it - but it is SO WEIRD cuz its not what I want....I am coming up on tomorrow being the 2 yr mark as to when the whole thing started of him finding out he had a heart problem and started the fight for his life for the next 2.5 weeks and passed. Along with tomorrow also being my birthday....the day he found out. It is SOOO hard...not to just set and cry..... : ( so the next few weeks are going to be even harder once again but I know they to will pass.....I just miss him SO MUCH!! I hope you are doing ok....and just wanted to give you an update and see how you are doing as well....... ; )
    ttomm1946 responded:
    I understand because I've wanted that last conversation to say everything I never got around to saying...Welcome hun!
    barb2008 responded:
    You remind me of myself, My mom just passed this year she lived with me for about four years. She and I would bump heads and I hate it now she is gone and I had no idea that the days in hospital would be her last. I would give anything to be able to talk to her one last time to tell her how much she means to me. If I could tell anything to people that are in this situation make sure you say everything you need to say to your love one even if they are not sick because anything can happen in a second and they are gone and it is too late. And living with it is so hard. I am so glad I found this web site to have a chance to tell someone that has been there and knows what I am going though.
    babygirl4u2 replied to barb2008's response:
    I lost my daughter to drugs. I am in recovery , It is very hard to except she is not here, and I will never hear MOM....she was my only child,and she has three kids, I need to talk to somrone her oldest son is struggling now. I almost lost him. People cannot feel this emotion. unless they have walked in my shoes Miss you, Amy, Our Beauty....

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