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    I Miss My Mom so much that I feel numb
    Cacynia posted:
    It's been twenty-two months, since my mom passed away. I knew it would hurt, but I didn't realize it could hurt this much. My Mom & I were very close. My Dad & I were with her when she died. It was sudden & unexpected. I did CPR, but was unable to save her. One minute she was talking & the next she was gone. It hurts to think about that day. I feel like I failed her. I literally watched her slip away. I don't feel whole anymore. I try to pretend that everything is ok. I think it manages to fool my family, but I know I'm not fooling myself. I just wish I could have one of her hugs.
    Caprice_WebMD_Staff responded:

    Dear Cacynia,

    What a blessing that you and your dad with both with her when she died. And I hope that one day you can appreciate the blessing that she died so quickly in the midst of talking with you.

    You didn't fail her and she knows you love her.

    It took me a long time to stop feeling like I'm just going through the motions and to really start enjoying my life again. But keep taking those steps to move forward in life.

    I found that writing to my lost loved one helped to bring him close to me. I'd talk to him as I always did, including about how I felt about losing him. It helped. It didn't make it all better but it helped.

    One idea I've always liked (I believe it's from the Tuesdays with Morrie book) is that while people may die, our relationships with them never do.

    Be gentle with yourself. And sometimes try not pretending all is well when it isn't. (((hugs)))
    Cacynia replied to Caprice_WebMD_Staff's response:
    Thanks for your kind words. I just feel so emotionally shut off, but at the same time it hurts so much.
    One thing that hurts is when someone thinks they can make me feel better, by telling me that she is in a better place. I have no proof of that. Most importantly, her death left me in a bad place. Watching your Mom die is a horrible, horrible thing to witness. I felt so helpless. I have so many questions.
    I try to think positively, but one thought that crosses my mind often, is that I will go through this again with My Dad and 3 siblings.
    I find that I seem to just be going through the day on auto pilot. I like when nighttime comes, because that is the only time, that I don't have to put on an act like everything is ok. I have always been the one in my family that everyone comes to with their worry and concerns. Some days, I don't feel like I can make it another day. It's just so hard. My siblings seem to be adjusting to the new way.
    Up until my Mom died, she had always been a part of my life/day 24-7, since I was born (47 yrs). The last three years of her life it had been just me, my Mom and Dad in the house.
    I miss her so much. I barely made it through the holidays. In another six weeks and two days, it will mark the second year of her leaving me. I don't think I will ever be okay. It will never be the same.
    Thanks for "listening".
    Caprice_WebMD_Staff replied to Cacynia's response:
    I know that saying someone is in a better place is somewhat consoling to some but not really for me either. Even if I believed that, it doesn't change that the person isn't here now with me. So I understand... I know they mean well.

    No wonder you miss her so much, to have been so close for so long, each and every day, and now to have her gone. (((hugs)))

    Keep putting one foot in front of the other, and start just DOing some new things, small things, to get yourself out a bit.

    I found that I couldn't do the things we used to enjoy together, but I found new things I'd never tried before so there was no associations with my lost loved one. As you said, it all feels fake right now, but that's okay. Do it anyway.... fake it 'til you make it.

    No, it won't ever be the same but that doesn't mean you can't create a new life for yourself.
    Cacynia replied to Caprice_WebMD_Staff's response:
    Little things increase the pain of my Mom's death. It doesn't take much to cause a flash back. When I hear, see or read something that is even minutely close to that day, I can feel my heart squeeze tight, like it wants to stop.

    My Grandma (my Dad's Mom) passed away, six months before my mom. I don't think I had really dealt with Grandma's death, when my Mom died.

    My Best Friend's Grandma died, in December, right before Christmas. When she called to tell me, I felt the same as I did the day my Mom died. As she told me what had happened, that day started playing out in my mind, all over again. Her Granny's death was very much like my mom's.

    About two weeks ago, she called to tell me that her Mom had suffered a heart attack. (luckily she survived) When she described what the ER doctor had said to her Mom, the questions I have, about my Mom's ER visit, started to surge through my thoughts. I keep thinking about what could have been. What should have been.

    With the exception of the first 48 hours, after my Mom passed away, I have not cried or really allowed my feelings. I have to be strong for my family, especially my Dad. When I think, that I might say something about the way I feel, that's when one of my family members will come to me, to talk about their bad day. The few times I have said anything, that's when I'm told, 'she is in a better place.' I hate that statement. So I don't say anything. Now I think I've hidden those feelings, and pushed them so far back, that the next major situation happens, I won't be able to handle it.

    I really miss my Mom. Everything changes when your parent dies. It's like you check out of your body. Your world collapses, and picking up the pieces is not easy.

    I feel like my Mom was stolen from me. She and I were so close. I had promised her that I would be there for Dad, if something happened to her. I know that is the only reason why I'm still here. A BIG part of me died that day.
    Caprice_WebMD_Staff replied to Cacynia's response:
    Find ways to allow yourself those feelings, dear one, find safe places - alone or with others who have dealt with grief - to let yourself cry. Putting walls up around yourself doesn't keep you strong and gets in the way of healing.

    Keep talking here too. Everything you're sharing here, I understand. (((softhugs)))
    Cacynia replied to Caprice_WebMD_Staff's response:
    Two years tomorrow (4/23). I still hurt as much as I did that day. I'm really finding it hard to want to get up each day and face the world. In fact, I get up and within a half hour, I'm ready to go back to bed. So that I don't have to act like everything is ok. I can't seem to focus long enough to get anything done. I really don't even care anymore.

    The past two & a half weeks, I find myself being startled very easily. I jump at the least little noise, even if I'm looking right at it. I keep having this feeling in the pit of me, that something bad is going to happen. I try not to think, about the day my Mom died, but every little thing seems to cause me to flash back to that day. I just wish, that I could have saved her that day.

    I'm not looking forward to tomorrow, and the day after is Easter. Two days of having to act ok! Don't know if I can do it. I'm just having such a hard time. My siblings seem to be adjusting well. I don't know why it's taking me so long to adjust. Sometimes, I feel like it will never be better. I'm just going through the motions of life. Nothing feels right anymore. There is a big part of me that went with my Mom, and I'm not sure there's enough left to survive.

    Everything I used to believe...- not so much anymore!
    Caprice_WebMD_Staff replied to Cacynia's response:
    Maybe your siblings are doing the same thing you're doing.... pretending everything is okay when it's not.

    But either way, things are NOT okay for you. If you still feel like getting out of bed is that difficult every day after this long, difficult weekend is behind you, please look into getting some one-on-one grief counseling.

    It's okay to need help. Letting yourself get that help is a sign of strength, not weakness.

    Please be gentle with yourself. (((softhugs)))
    Cacynia replied to Caprice_WebMD_Staff's response:
    Hi Caprice,

    Thought I would check in. Well, I made it through that long weekend. The past few months have been hard. Mother's Day and birthdays have not made things easier. My birthday was a few days ago, didn't do anything that day, due to illness in the family. Actually, I was ok with not doing anything, because I didn't have to pretend. I took a quiet moment with my memories.

    Five days ago, my cat started to pass up her food, except for an occasional tsp of canned food. She did this back in April, and the vet thought that it was the beginning of the end. I spoon fed her baby food, and with lots of love she started to be better. But, this time I think the side effects of medicine she had taken for pain has done too much damage.

    She isn't just a cat, or a pet - She is Family!

    Biscuit saved my Mom's lift on several occasions. One time in particular, she sensed a problem with mom's sugar level in the middle of the night, when everyone was sleeping. Since my Mom's passing, she has slept with me and kept me company on those nights when I was having a hard time dealing with my Mom's death.

    So today, I looking at making a very difficult decision. One that is breaking my heart.
    Caprice_WebMD_Staff replied to Cacynia's response:
    Dear Cacynia,

    I am so sorry for what you are now facing. I agree and have seen it here so many times... our pets are FAMILY and very dear to us.

    I also understand the relief of not having to pretend all is well when it isn't.

    Be gentle with yourself.
    Magdalena61 replied to Cacynia's response:
    I've been reading your posts about your Mom. My Mom passed in February 19, 2011. I just want to tell you that I relate to you. We watched our Mother die when there was no hope. We kept vigil around her night and day until she left. It has been the most horrible pain. I sometimes wish I was dead too just so I can be with her instead of here. Because I always felt so loved when she was around. How I miss her! I hope you don't mind me sharing this with you. It's not easy to talk to the people around me and at least you know what I'm talking about. Thanks
    Bonner26 responded:
    My mom went to Heaven it will be a year next month, just two weeks before Christmas. I miss her so much , miss her smile and hug she love me so much , there days I am ok., ans sometimes it just hit me she is gone, we were close . I still cry sometimes. . I know I will never be the same again , she was with me during chemo. Two years ago. she was my support to help me pull through. Anyway that all .My. Birthday is coming up and think about her. I pray God wiil get me strength and he has. It hard at times.

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