Grief & Loss Community

My beautiful daughter left this world Dec. 21,2010. today is the first time that I have been able to address the issue. I was home alone and able watch the video of her life, and I cried uncontrollably. I try to keep it together for the sake of her siblings and her children.
Maria was 50 years old and plaqued with a myriad of ailments, she's had at least three heart attcks, COPD, High blood pressure and diabetes. She was a smoker since her teens. she cut down a lot but was never able to stop. even though her health was poor she worked part time and went to school at night. she sressed about everything all of the time and I believe she knew something that she didn't share with us about her health. As we look back we see her getting rid of her belongings, selling her furniture and preparing for what? we don't know. For her 50th birthday she took a beautiful professional portrait and before then she would run from a camera. The night before she passed, she went to dinner wih her best friends where i am told she had no signs of illness , pain etc. They all had a wonderful time. She and talked on the phone for two hours two days before shs passed away . Just fun, silly mother /daughter things. she said that she wasn't "feeling" christmas and was not putting up her tree. On 12/21 she sat on the side of her bed watching the news. Her daughter kissed her goodbye and left for work. when she returned her mom was still sitting there, slumped over, dead. Paramedics said she seemed to have died at least ten hours before. what happened, we don't know. So many unanswered questions. I don.t question God's will. but it hurts me so bad. Now all I think about is when and how I am going to die. It is scary!!