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Not sure how to feel about lossing my mom.
wallmom posted:
I lost my 83 yo mother recently and I don't know how I feel about it. I lost my father 2 years ago and I miss him everyday and a part of me knows that if I could talk to him I would feel better. But my mother and I didn't have the same relationship. Yes I loved her, but she was a very difficult, spoiled, judgemental person and that is what I dealt with everyday. My father on the other hand made me feel good about myself and all I had to do was walk in the room. I am relieved that my mom with not ever have to suffer and feel the pain of the loss of my dad. But I am also relieved to not have to deal with her anymore. And that feels wrong. I did all I could for her, and as the sibling that lived closest to her, I did a lot. But did I do enough? I could have been nicer or spent more time with her, but she just didn't make that easy.
Her passing was a shock, and I think that makes it harder. But I just can't get passed the feeling of relief. And it bothers me that I feel it so. I never wanted anything to happen to her, but now that she is gone I feel like I have been set free.
Thank you for listening. I know that everyone goes through this differently, and maybe it is just too fresh. But I just feel numb.

Caprice_WebMD_Staff responded:
Hi Wallmom,

Feeling relief at the passing of a mother who was difficult and had lived a long life is different than ever wishing her gone. Your relief is okay and, I expect, not that unusual in the world. While she was here you did all you could for her and I hope you can forgive yourself for that sense of relief you now feel.

And, though I'm no expert, numbness is not uncommon either. Allow any tears should they come because, relief or not, you've lost your mother and perhaps may end up grieving the kind of mother she could have been to you but was unable to be for whatever reason. (((hugs)))
wallmom replied to Caprice_WebMD_Staff's response:
Even though it hasn't been too long and I really don't feel much different than before, I am wondering if this is all I will feel. Everyone tells me that because it still so fresh and it was such a shock that it just hasn't set in yet. But I just don't know if this is all I will feel. I don't miss her like I do my father and I doubt that will change. I have moments that I just can't believe she is gone, But I'm not sure that "upsets" me. And it really bothers me that I feel like this. I just don't know. I know that there is not right or wrong way to feel, but I just don't like feeling like this.
larsstarscanary responded:
"But I am also relieved to not have to deal with her anymore. And that feels wrong."

It sounds like you are being judgmental toward yourself now--"That feels wrong". Why is it wrong? You loved her and did all that you could.

I had two judgmental/critical parents. Both I loved, but one more dearly.

I am now free to live my life as I see fit without all the hoopla and second guessing. It's about time.

All the best to you.

PS: I was numb at one point. Every now and then I cry a few tears.

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