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    parents loss
    missingparents posted:
    I am having a very hard time dealing with the loss of my parents. Dad had Alzheimer's for ten years and passed away Jan. 19, 2010. Little did I know Mom would follow six months later on July 27, 2010. I have two older sisters who both live out of state. We just sold the house I grew up in and moving everything out of their house after 58 years of marriage and seeing an empty house and a "for sale" sign in the front yard was the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. To make it even worse, I am single and live only three blocks from that house. I was never very close to Dad, but quit my job to care for both him and Mom. I took care of Dad up until he had to move to an Alz. facility nearby. Mom went downhill from that point on. She had a bad fall and was in a rehab hospital for two months. She called me every night begging me to come pick her up and bring her home. When I told her I could not do that, she laid the guilt trip on me. She began to not eat, and had heart and blood pressure problems. We put her on hospice the first week in July. My sisters and I were all there at the exact moment she passed. I take comfort in knowing we honored her wishes to stay at home and knowing she is with Dad. Any ideas on how to cope? Thank you.
    larsstarscanary responded:
    Some parents will load you with guilt. I found I could either accept it or reject it. I chose to reject it because I'm going to live my life as free of theirs as possible.

    I was the one who was taking care of them. The one who does the caretaking gets all the crap when there is crap. Fortunately, I didn't have to deal with a lot of crap. There was a lot of joy and understanding that I experienced as well. And there was a lot of sorrow. I am grateful that things have gotten better and that I am better able to handle loss now--Loss never ends. The trick is to meet more people.

    My dad had a series of illnesses, one of which was Alzheimer's. My mom had cancer.

    My condolences for your losses.
    missingparents replied to larsstarscanary's response:
    Towards the end, I had both Mom and Dad. They were in their nineties. Although Mom did not have Alzheimer's, she did have dementia which is similar. She would forget why she was there and call me late at night(she said it was too loud to sleep), expecting me to come get her. The day she fell, it took me four hours to get her up and dressed because she would forget why she needed to get up. She spent a week in the hospital and was not happy that she could not come home. She had problems before the fall and also had home health. At one point, the home health nurse accused me of abusing and neglecting Dad because I could not get him to do anything like shower or clip his nails. If I did try to help him, he would get combative. I know how Alzheimers can be. I'm sorry for your loss as well. I have made an appointment with a counselor, so am hoping she can help.
    larsstarscanary replied to missingparents's response:
    My father was in his 70's and he was bedridden but totally uncooperative. I can't imagine trying to get someone in their 90's to do anything.

    I see a therapist from time to time to work out my unresolved issues with my parents and other people and situations. I hope the counselor helps you, too.
    missingparents replied to larsstarscanary's response:
    It was very hard. Forget about getting Dad to do anything. If he did let me cut his fingernails or anything else and he didn't lose his temper, it was rare. Mom had trouble getting around, so all she wanted to do was stay in bed and she only got dressed if she absolutely had to, like the day she fell. She told me she could go to the hospital in her gown because she didn't think anyone would care what she looked like. As I said in the previous post, she kept forgetting why she needed to get up. I told her I was calling 911, but she wanted no part of that, so I took her to the nearest ER.

    There were times when Dad would get mad and start hitting me and I would feel frustrated and lose it with him as well. At his funeral, I told my sister I felt bad because I never made my peace with him and felt like I was being too mean to him. She said I needed to forgive myself. I'm still working on that. It's very diffucult.
    larsstarscanary replied to missingparents's response:
    My father became combative, too--I was able to stay away from him during that time because other people were taking care of him. I would have put him in a nursing facility.

    I don't know how I made it through my mom's funeral.

    My father's funeral was different because I had unresolved issues with him.

    I hope you are feeling better now...
    missingparents replied to larsstarscanary's response:
    It's hard to believe that it has been one year since Mom passed away and almost two years for Dad. I remember the last good day my sisters and I had with Mom before she went into a coma. We had a picnic like dinner where we ate with her and remembered good times. I knew something was wrong when I could not wake her up the next morning. Mom and I were so close. I was thinking of moving out to CA. because I have no family in the city where I live now. Unfortunately, that did not work out. I think of both Mom and Dad all the time. They would be thrilled to know they now have two beautiful great-grandsons. I hope you are doing well. Thanks for replying to me.
    Wpooh27 responded:
    I know that God can help us through the hard time of lossing a love one. I can't say that it gets easier as the years go bye though, because my grandfather has been died for 25 years now and i still think about him everyday and miss him very much. My great grandparents on my dad's side died recently though. My great grandmother and i was very close, she got real sick my junior year of high school. She told me she was going to hold on to see me graduate high school. Well she did just that, i graduated on May 23,2003 and she passed on july 4,2003. so it was just a couple months after i graduated. That was very hard for me to have to go through because me and her was real close. I was suppose to sing amazing Grace at her funneral so i had to record it on a tape and let them play it because i couldnt get up there and sing it. Also, My mother in law just passed a year ago september the 9th. It doesnt seem like it has been a year since she passed. She died two days before my husbands birthday. She found out she had cancer and then 15 months later she is gone. She got really sick the last two weeks, and i was taking care of her everyday. I was the only one of my husbands wife because i make his third wife, that she liked the other two she didnt like them. But during the last two weeks when i was taking care of her we got real close. When she passed away i was the only one in the room with her. I was rubbing her head, when she took her last breath and she had one little tear in her right eye. Shortly after my husband come in and he seen my crying and asking if she was ok and i just took him by the hand and told him she was gone. He lost it. I was at work the morning all this took place to and they called me at work and said if i wanted to see her alive to get down there so i told them i had to go with in 5 minutes i was at the hospital and then 30 minutes after i got there she passed away. i just pray every day that God give me the strength to get through. I know that probably dont help you but maybe it will. Because honestly God is the only one that can really help us.

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