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Still recovering from my son's death
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mo1och posted:
About three and a half years ago my son died at the age of three months. The situation with his mother (my ex-wife) was complicated, he was the primary reason for both the marriage and the eventual divorce, and she was alone with him for the three days leading up to that morning. The whole event is still a blur, punctuated with crystal clear memories of smell, pictures, the paramedic's heavy hand on my shoulder as I raced into my apartment building, my boss's callous "we got a call from your wife, there was some kind of emergency with your son at home, can you try and make it in before the next shift", then the weeks and months of emptiness. Even still I find that emptiness lurking on the shelf at the supermarket behind his brand of baby oil that I grabbed to deal with a sunburn. My life still feels shattered. Even though I have a very supportive family, I feel alone in this, like no one else understands what I am feeling. I don't understand everything I am feeling.

But I have learned many things from this experience, and I have grown incredibly from it. These days I really listen to people, not just to what they are saying, but what they aren't saying, to what they want to say. I give people the benefit of doubt more often than I used to, and I find myself giving complements to strangers. I try to infuse each moment with a little more depth, and to challenge people to be their best. I do this because I know what it is like to fight through an omnipresent fog, I know how those gray skies suck out all the sound from the world.


I am finally at the point where I want to be able to face this head on, and use it to help other people. If Lance Armstrong's battle with cancer can inspire people to face their own cancer, I want my history to help inspire compassion and hope for a better future. Anything else would be an insult to his memory. I am posting this here both because I need to be comfortable talking about what happened, and because I hope someone is reading this and can gain strength from it.

Thank you, and be wonderful to yourself.
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Caprice_WebMD_Staff responded:
Dear Mo1och,

Welcome to WebMD. I am so very sorry for your loss. I'm glad you have a supportive family but you're right, they probably really can't fully understand because only someone else who has lost a child can get close to understanding.

I want you to know that your post moved me deeply. I wonder if you're a writer and, if not, whether you would consider it. You have a real gift and that gift can be used to achieve what you're hoping for... to help others, to articulate how all of this feels so they don't feel so alone, and to inspire compassion in others.

Everyone here understands that gray fog. You have just shone a light in on this community.

Be gentle with yourself.

Thank you.
 
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cali2012 responded:
Thank you. My friend lost her son and, having no children myself, I was looking for such testimony as yours to see how I can help her best. Your testimony will be of tremendous help.
I wish you a lot of courage and I hope your life will be full of happy and meaningful moments.


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