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losing my biggest supporter
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ladybird81 posted:
Hi-I'm new here. I have to bury my best friend in 2 days. She was my biggest supporter. I have been battling depression for years now. she was the only one who I could truly lean on. I am devastated, in shock, numb to say the least. How do I let her go?
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Caprice_WebMD_Staff responded:
Dear Ladybird,

You don't really have to let her go but you will eventually be able to move forward while still keeping her in your heart. She is always with you and who you are is so much because of her. I know how it is to have such a best friend and I am so sorry for your loss.

It won't always hurt this much, but it is going to take time and work on your part. This death is so very recent so please be patient with yourself and with the process. Lean on others and don't isolate yourself, as tempting as that may be.

And if you need help, if you feel yourself spiraling down into deep depression, please get some professional help as well.
 
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ladybird81 replied to Caprice_WebMD_Staff's response:
Thank you for the kind words. I saw my therapist yesterday. It made me feel worse. I'm trying to be patient. I just want the pain to stop. I've been hurting for way to long and this is putting me over edge. I'm trying my best...
 
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ladybird81 replied to ladybird81's response:
So today is a new day. I did some meditation today. I'm so very lost. Last night was my first night being alone in this house. I'm feeling so many different emotions in a day. Is that normal?? What should I expect?
 
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Caprice_WebMD_Staff replied to ladybird81's response:
Yes, that's very normal.

Grieving is different for everyone so, again, please be patient with yourself through this.

This is too new and to expect it not to be very hard right now is unrealistic. And it's probably going to stay hard for a while. But you will get through it.

There will probably be tears and anger and loneliness and a confusion of it all. And just when you think it's better, it may hit again. But eventually it will ease.

Don't look too far ahead. Instead, take it one day at a time and look after yourself, each day and your physical health. And don't isolate yourself, even though it may be tempting.

Remember to breathe.
 
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ladybird81 replied to Caprice_WebMD_Staff's response:
Thank you Caprice for taking the time respond to me. I don't have the support system I need right now so its nice to know someone in this world cares.
 
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Caprice_WebMD_Staff replied to ladybird81's response:
You're very welcome, Ladybird. You are always welcome to talk here. And perhaps start reaching out in your world for further support too.
 
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ladybird81 replied to Caprice_WebMD_Staff's response:
I'm trying. I have been going to see my therapist. Its kinda hard to reach out to friends and family. My family doesn't accept me and my lifestyle. If you haven't figured it out by now. I lost my partner. We lived in "the closet" for many years mostly my doing because I didn't want to be rejected again for being gay. My family disowned me when I told them. She was everything to me. She died in a horrible car accident. I am being patient with myself. I'm going to my appts and taking my meds. I'm just full of regret.
 
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Caprice_WebMD_Staff replied to ladybird81's response:
I really understand and yes, I'd guessed.

I lost my dearest friend and greatest love six years ago and really understand how your whole world has been shattered now. I also understand some of those regrets.

Remember to breathe. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. And know you will get through this and come out the other side of this darkness.

And slowly but surely, you can rebuild your life, perhaps to one she would have wanted for you. (((hugs)))

Be gentle with yourself.
 
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ladybird81 replied to Caprice_WebMD_Staff's response:
Thank You Caprice,
Its been an interesting week to say the least. I am taking some time for myself. Im still not used to waking up alone. I do know I will get thru this. I just need to remind myself to be patient.
I appreciate your advice. I hope you have a fun and safe 4th.
 
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Caprice_WebMD_Staff replied to ladybird81's response:
You too, Ladybird.

Be kind to yourself.
 
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ladybird81 replied to Caprice_WebMD_Staff's response:
I'm feeling quite guilty today....I've been thinking about selling the house. It hurts to be here. I have so many mixed emotions. I miss her so much. I have been taking my meds going to therapy like she would have wanted. Therapy has been pretty intense. I'm starting to remember things from my childhood that are unpleasant and scary. I'm angry that she is not here. I'm scared. The uncertanty of it all is very scary. I'm lost....
 
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Caprice_WebMD_Staff replied to ladybird81's response:
Be careful about making any huge life decisions when you're still grappling with a recent and devastating loss.

But it's not unusual that new feelings of loss, abandonment and more can trigger some of the older unresolved issues we all have. Be sure to talk about all of this with your therapist and if you do need help staying safe and if being elsewhere would feel better for you, think it through carefully and do what is best for you.

My one suggestion in that regard is that be sure you are moving towards something, not just away from something.

And lean on others as much as you need to.

P.S. One of the things I did when I lost my partner was to change my home so it wasn't all the same but made it mine while still retaining mementos of him. Not only did it help my psychologically but it ensured I stayed busy in a fairly creative way. I took this course after witnessing how doing the same helped a friend of mine when she went through her own loss.
 
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ladybird81 replied to Caprice_WebMD_Staff's response:
I've taken a LOA from work to work on me. To figure out what my next move is. I feel guilty for even thinking about selling the house. Selling our life. I don't feel safe in this house. Maybe changing some things around will change my mind. I wish my grief would ease up a bit. Its hard. We were commited to each other for 15 years. We had known each other for 20 years. She knew me better than I knew myself. I still can't say her name without crying. It feels like it happend yesterday. I don't know if that wound will ever heal. My depression has been intensified. I'm so overwhelmed I don't know what to deal with first. I have so many emotions going thru me daily. I am so so scared.
 
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Caprice_WebMD_Staff replied to ladybird81's response:
Keep reminding yourself that this loss is still very recent. This is such an enormous loss... your day to day life has been dramatically changed, nevermind the deep connection you two had.

One idea I always liked from the book Tuesdays With Morrie is that while people die, our relationships don't. She is still your love, she's still in your heart. And that's okay.

Regarding getting things done, focus on some basics while you're taking a break from work... get up every day, be sure to eat and shower, go for a walk, try not to isolate. Journaling can help.

And maybe make a to-do list of things big and small and take them one at a time, in no particular order.

Sometimes getting up each day is a feat. You'll get through this, one day at a time.

And remember to breathe.


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