Grief & Loss Community

Hello everyone. This will be the first attempt at any kind of grieving in a group setting I have done or even talking to people about my situation other than my mom and one close friend. I lost my two and half year old daughter Sapphyre four months ago. She was my third child, due to medical reasons and financial unstability my mother has custody of my two oldest children. Sapphyre was my last chance at being a mom seeing as I had my tubes tied after having her. She was my world! She gave me the strength and courage and determination to change my whole life around for the better. I loved her with all my heart and she was never unhappy with me. I did everything I could to give her the best of everything. We would play together, shop together, go out for mcdonalds....we had so much fun all the time. She gave my life so much meaning and now it feels like I have none left. Without her everything just faded to gray, nothing seems fun anymore, I stay depressed. I have to force myself to go to work because I need the money badly but I would rather just sit at home alone in my apt which is what I do everyday I am off. I keep telling myself she's coming back that this isn't real even though deep down inside I know that's not true. I just cannot admit it out loud to myself for fear of completely breaking down. Her grave side is my comfort zone, the only place I really feel safe and close to her. I go there often to talk to her, read to her or just cry sometimes. I keep questioning to myself why God had to take her back at such a young age, it just doesn't seem fair to me. I still need her here with me. I miss her so very much more than words can even explain. I was told she died from an intestine laceration and pancreatic injury. I still four months later have no idea how this happened which makes this situation that much worse. I feel I still have no closure. She had been visitng her father for a week when I got a phone call that I had to pick her up immeadiately at 10:30 at night. She came home with mutiple brusies but seeing as she was two and I forgot to mention disabled due to a femur disorder therefore she could not walk, bruises were not uncommmon for her. She also had a few other things wrong, nothing that warranted an emergency at the time (I am willing to share thoses things if anyone wants to know) I regret now not rushing her to the er, I feel I could have saved her if she was already hurt. I struggle with that guilt and regret everyday and blame myself for not being a better mother. There are a few more circumstances surrounding her passing that are causing me a great deal of stress. I am actually afraid to go into detail for fear of judgement or rude replys. Forgive me but people seem to have a lot more disrespect and harsh words for me these days than comfort and support. Again I am willing to share for those who are really here to help me deal with this and who are not judgemental or harsh. I have so many unanswered questions as to what happened to her, when it happened and if there was something I could have done. I feel like closure is nowhere in sight for me. Most days it feels like the walls are closing in on me and I just want to end it all and be able to hold her in my arms again. I know though that's not what she would want. I still want to make her proud of me, I know she's watching down on me from above. I know I have to be strong to keep fighting for the truth for her but it is so hard at times that I find strength almost impossible to summon. I just have so much going on right now in my life that I don't know where to even begin to deal with losing her but I know the longer I go denying things the harder it will be on me when reality does finally hit me. Thank you all for listening.