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    Struggling with the death of my daughter.
    angel3132011 posted:
    Hello everyone. This will be the first attempt at any kind of grieving in a group setting I have done or even talking to people about my situation other than my mom and one close friend. I lost my two and half year old daughter Sapphyre four months ago. She was my third child, due to medical reasons and financial unstability my mother has custody of my two oldest children. Sapphyre was my last chance at being a mom seeing as I had my tubes tied after having her. She was my world! She gave me the strength and courage and determination to change my whole life around for the better. I loved her with all my heart and she was never unhappy with me. I did everything I could to give her the best of everything. We would play together, shop together, go out for mcdonalds....we had so much fun all the time. She gave my life so much meaning and now it feels like I have none left. Without her everything just faded to gray, nothing seems fun anymore, I stay depressed. I have to force myself to go to work because I need the money badly but I would rather just sit at home alone in my apt which is what I do everyday I am off. I keep telling myself she's coming back that this isn't real even though deep down inside I know that's not true. I just cannot admit it out loud to myself for fear of completely breaking down. Her grave side is my comfort zone, the only place I really feel safe and close to her. I go there often to talk to her, read to her or just cry sometimes. I keep questioning to myself why God had to take her back at such a young age, it just doesn't seem fair to me. I still need her here with me. I miss her so very much :( more than words can even explain. I was told she died from an intestine laceration and pancreatic injury. I still four months later have no idea how this happened which makes this situation that much worse. I feel I still have no closure. She had been visitng her father for a week when I got a phone call that I had to pick her up immeadiately at 10:30 at night. She came home with mutiple brusies but seeing as she was two and I forgot to mention disabled due to a femur disorder therefore she could not walk, bruises were not uncommmon for her. She also had a few other things wrong, nothing that warranted an emergency at the time (I am willing to share thoses things if anyone wants to know) I regret now not rushing her to the er, I feel I could have saved her if she was already hurt. I struggle with that guilt and regret everyday and blame myself for not being a better mother. There are a few more circumstances surrounding her passing that are causing me a great deal of stress. I am actually afraid to go into detail for fear of judgement or rude replys. Forgive me but people seem to have a lot more disrespect and harsh words for me these days than comfort and support. Again I am willing to share for those who are really here to help me deal with this and who are not judgemental or harsh. I have so many unanswered questions as to what happened to her, when it happened and if there was something I could have done. I feel like closure is nowhere in sight for me. Most days it feels like the walls are closing in on me and I just want to end it all and be able to hold her in my arms again. I know though that's not what she would want. I still want to make her proud of me, I know she's watching down on me from above. I know I have to be strong to keep fighting for the truth for her but it is so hard at times that I find strength almost impossible to summon. I just have so much going on right now in my life that I don't know where to even begin to deal with losing her but I know the longer I go denying things the harder it will be on me when reality does finally hit me. Thank you all for listening.
    Caprice_WebMD_Staff responded:
    My heart just aches for you, Angel. I am so sorry for your loss and hope that others will be responding with their support as well.

    I'm glad you found us but very sorry for your need to be here. I can also imagine all the stress surrounding her death has caused you, the questions, the guilt you feel, all of it. Have you talked with the doctors involved to get at least some answers?

    She is your angel, watching over you still. (((softhugs))) You're right in that she would want you to keep moving and make her proud.

    Please be gentle with yourself and talk here as much as you need to. If you need more than this board, consider some one-on-one grief counseling.

    And it may help you to try this website as well, for parents grieving the loss of a child:
    angel3132011 replied to Caprice_WebMD_Staff's response:

    Thank you for your support and sympathy.

    I was recommended here by another group that I was seeking medical advice from and thought I would give it a try. Your right her death has caused more than just heartache. I feel a lot of guilt and the many questions eat at me everyday. At the moment it is already in the hands of ISP and the local law enforcement where I was living. I don't know anything more than I have been told and most involved refuse to even talk to me for reasons I did not disclose. I am not sure if the medical examiner can release any information to me or answer any questions since the case is still ongoing.

    I know she watching over me and that is pretty well the only thing that keeps me going these days. I don't want to disappoint her.

    I am trying my best not to beat myself up to bad over this. I know I did nothing wrong, just can't help but feel like I could have done more. As a mother you expect yourself to never make mistakes even though I know that's impossible. I am not sure if I am ready for face to face one on one counselling.

    Thank you for the website, I will be sure to atleast check it out. Again thank you for everything.
    Caprice_WebMD_Staff replied to angel3132011's response:
    You are very welcome, Angel.

    We had a similar situation in our family a couple of years ago and so have some idea of what you're going through.

    Anon_15888 responded:
    Hi Angel. I just wanted to say that I am so sorry for your loss. I wish there were something I could do to help take at least some of your pain away, but I know there is not. I couldn't imagine what you're going through having lost a child and then being shunned by those who know you; it's devastating I'm sure. I have no idea what it is like to stand in your shoes, so I won't pretend to know what it feels like, but I want you to know you're not alone.
    Your story reminds me of a family's journey I've been following in my community. This family recently lost their 2-1/2 year old son who drowned in their pool. Since the day he died the family has been keeping grief journals to not only help them through this difficult time, but to also document their pain staking journey for their son's twin sister who (for the most part) has seemed oblivious to their family's devastating loss. They have also created a website in his honor to help raise awareness for organ donation (this little boy save 4 dying children's lives) and to hopefully help other grieving families who have lost their loved ones. Please visit their website ( ) and join their facebook page, too. At the very least, you can get some validation for the various emotions and feelings I know you must be dealing with and you can link virtual hands with another mother who is walking in the same shoes. There are also links for those who are grieving, so please look through those too. I will warn you, though... the blogs his mother writes are completely heart wrenching and devastatingly raw emotionally, but you can also sense her strength and determination as well as the love she has for her son and her surviving children. I sobbed and soaked through many t-shirts reading her words, so please tread slowly through.
    I hope that in some way, knowing you're not alone in this unwanted journey will help you to start grieving the loss of your daughter and you can start to make the progression into this new life. And I hope it helps to know that this mother is thinking about you and praying for you. Take care.
    angel3132011 replied to Anon_15888's response:

    Thank you for your words. Every little bit of support and encouragement help me along this journey. I can say I hope there are not too many people in this world who can say they have walked in my shoes. They are not easy shoes to fill nor would I wish them upon anyone. I cannot describe the many emotions I am going through. Of course I have the obvious guilt, sadness, depression, anger and so on but so many more that words can't describe. I will be sure to check out the website and facebook page. I know I am not alone in this struggle but sometimes it feels like I am considering so many people have walked away from me in this time of need. Again thank you so much for responding and hope to hear from you again soon.

    Anon_15888 replied to angel3132011's response:
    Hi Angel... Just checking in to see how things were going. I hope you are finding some resources in your community to help you through this tough time. If there's one thing I do know about grief, I know its important for you to reach out for help. I think a lot of people retreat into their grief because they feel like nobody understands their pain or because they feel like their loss is too personal to burden others, but that is far from true. Look to your community... friends, family, neighbors, support groups. There are a lot of people who love to help, so just look for them and ask for it.

    Keep us updated on things that are going on. Take care.

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