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Losing my mother
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Miss_Vikki posted:
Trigger
I was told to come here from another community I started, that here I might find more help in what I'm going through.

My mother was diagnosed with cancer 6 months ago. She had a tumor removed from her frontal lobe. Since then, her speach has been affected, and her emotions are always up and down. She had the mentality of a 1-2 year old then an intelligent 65 y/o lady. She never wanted to live like that. She asked a few family members on several occasions to get a gun and shoot her. My dad is 75 and unable to care for her on his own, so he placed her in a nursing home. On the 15th she had a stroke which left her right side completely paralized. Now she can't talk and can barely swallow. She has given up on life. She wants to die and it's so hard to watch her go through this. She refuses her meals and has given strict orders against a feeding tube. She hasn't had a meal since the 15th. My dad can randomly get a few straw fulls of water or juice in her mouth before she clenches her teeth and refuses to open her mouth. She's just whithering away before our eyes and there is nothing we can do about it. It's just so hard. I have been trying to get the strength to let her know that it's ok to go, that it's ok to be at peace and that my sister and I will take care of my dad. I can't get past my emotions to say this to her. She can hear me when I talk to her. When I last visited, she opend her eyes and looked at me.

I just don't know what to do, what to say anymore, or even how to say it. Everytime I try to form the words, I break down. I'm trying to be strong for her, but I came into this situation already weakend by a life long battle with depression. My brain can't handle this. Seeing my dad cry deepens my pain. Seeing him hurt so much and the guilt he's placing on himself. He thinks he didn't hydrate her enough to stop the stroke. He blames himself for the pain she's going through.

I don't want her to die. But I want her pain to end. The Dr's have made it very clear there is no coming back from this for her. I think she knows this, it's why she's starving herself it's why she has now choosen DNR. It's all too much to handle. I don't know or have the tools to handl this. I've never experienced this before.

Any helpful advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you

<3 V
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Caprice_WebMD_Staff responded:
Hi Vikki,

I'm so sorry for what you're facing right now. If you can't say what you'd wish you could say to her, can your sister say it for you all?

Lean on her caretakers as well. They may be able to help you with this, from their long years of experience. And find out if there is a social worker aligned with them who could help.

I remember when we were in a similar situation with my beloved mother-in-law, the hospital's social worker and the staff really helped us through.

I hope that others here, who may have been where you are now, will have some ideas for you too.

(((((hugs)))))
 
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Miss_Vikki replied to Caprice_WebMD_Staff's response:
I've been at the nursing home from 2pm to almost 2am. We were so sure she was going to pass today. Her breaths are shallow and a very long pause between breaths. Her heart rate has jumped around from as low as 24bpm to 225bpm. When I left there she had been stable at 130bpm and an oxygen lvl of 80. It's not good, but it's not fluctuating like it was before. I've given strict instructions that if there is any change to call me immediately and I'll be there right away.

This is all so hard. Everytime her breathing took a long pause my heart would just drop. Everytime the monitor went blank unable to read her heart rating I'd feel ill. I'm trying so hard to be strong for her. Before I left, I was alone with her and I finally told her. I told her it was ok to go, and that she wouldn't be alone. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to say.

My dad said that yesterday she opend her eyes and looked at him and squeazed his hand twice. He believes it was her way of saying goodbye. She hasn't woken up since. The nurses have been very nice, and keeping her comfortable with a dose of morphine every 4 hours. At this point it's just a matter of time.

Thank you Caprice for your response. It's comforting to know I have people here that are able to help me right now, that I'm not alone in my pain.
 
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Miss_Vikki replied to Miss_Vikki's response:
My mom passed away at 6:10am this morning. I'll try to talk more later as I can't think right now.
 
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Caprice_WebMD_Staff replied to Miss_Vikki's response:
I'm so sorry, dear Miss Vikki.

Please be gentle with yourself. Our thoughts go with you.


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