[TRIGGER] Everything started a while ago, when my father moved away to pennsylvania, my sister went away to school, and I was left with my mom. I was 13 at the time. Everything quickly turned from good to bad. She picked up drinking and became physically and verbally abusive. I went from having a loving mom to the someone who I feared more than anyone else. I eventually moved out after two years. Moved in with grandma and everything was good. A year went by, everything was going well then one day it everything just stopped. I walked through the door my first day of winter break to find out that my father died in his sleep the night before. We couldn't afford an autopsy so we didn't know what killed him. It just hurt me that I never go to say goodbye, because he lived so far away I hadn't even seen him in three months. It just didn't feel real.
I turned to some very close family friends. I had been babysitting for them during the year and was a live in nanny for them for two summers. My dad was the best man at their wedding and had known them since I was 6 years old. Long story short, they meant the world to me. One day though when I was confiding in the husband, he kissed me on the forehead, then on the nose, and then before i could pull away forced a kiss upon my lips. I was scared to death and I didn't know what to do. I left it be. Nothing happened for a few months. Then one day I was babysitting overnight, the mother was away, and the father was supposed to be somewhere that night. I woke up to him stroking his hand down my ass and my legs. I was petrified and couldn't even move. About two weeks later I got up the courage to tell his wife what he did and she didn't believe me. She cut ties with me completely. I never got to say goodbye to the kids who I loved like my own, and just the loss of the friendship I had with them, the friendship that he ruined, killed me. They were family to me, the kids were everything to me, and it all got ripped away.
Now I'm 20 years old and in college, trying to get my grades up this coming semester because I haven't done too well so far, and I just feel like I can't move past everything. The little reminders of things just poke at me everyday, making even the smallest thing that goes wrong feel like a catastrophe. I get angry, I get upset, I get frustrated, I feel so many emotions at once. Emotions I have no idea how to deal with. I've tried counseling, but whenever I sit in front of the therapist, I just freeze, nothing comes out. I've spend hundreds of dollars of my own money into therapy, and just wasted my time because I just couldn't speak. I just feel stuck, like I'm not sure where to go from here. I want to put the past in the past, and move on with my life. Just not sure quite how to do that yet.
You've felt loss of all kinds, haven't you? (((hugs)))
Please consider turning to one-on-one therapy again. There are many of us (including me) who can't really talk when we first start therapy and a good therapist can help you with that. You can also journal and share some of your journal with your therapist. That can be an avenue to open up.
Often therapy is particularly difficult the younger you are. So just because it didn't work before, doesn't mean it won't work now. I'm afraid that most will agree that the only want to get past it all is to get through it to the other side. And that takes time and work.
There is light on the other side of this darkness.
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