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Can't Move On
Miss_Vikki posted:
My Mother passed away July 29th, 2011. She would have been 70 August 14th.

I thought, after the intial shock, that I was ok. Of course I think about her everyday. Not a minute goes by that I don't think about her. But recently for the past few days I've felt like I've been run over by a mac truck. I can't even look at my kids, step outside my door and see the sky or anything for that matter without breaking down into tears.

The pain in my heart is so intense. I've completely confined myself to my house. I've stoped taking care of myself, of my kids, of my home. I get so angry I've actually yelled at my children, and the whole time I'm doing these out of the ordinary things, in the back of my head I ask myslef Why? I can't seem to focus on anything, I keep forgetting the mosy mundane things. I just feel so lost, and so alone.

My fiance gets angry at me because I have confided my feelings to one of my guy friends who has also lost his mother. My fiance' thinks I should be talking to him about these things. But why? My fiance's mother is living, breathing and lives just 5 minutes away from us. How can he know my pain in the least.

I just want to be numb. I've taken Xanax, way more then perscribed, to make my pain go away. I know my fiance' is right, the pain will only go away for a short period of time, but at least I get that small amount of peace.

Another thing that hurts, is during my pain, I lashed out at my younger sister. I said things I never ment to say. I know I hurt her or pissed her of. I wrote to her and apologized, letting her know it was never her fault for how I was acting, that I just didn't know how to deal with this. And that the reason I havent been to visit is because I don't think I can emotionally handle seeing my mom's house or see my dad without my mom by his side without breaking down. She hasn't written back, so I'm really taking that kind of hard.

I'm in a pretty bad slump today. So bad my fiance' called my therapist, in turn she called the police to my house. By the time they got here I had fallen asleep from all the drugs I took and they didn't even bother to check on me or enter my home. Not that I wanted them to as I had no idea they had been called.

I can't go back to the mental hospital, I just can't. I don't want to lose my children and being there only made me more depressed then anything else. I'm just hurting inside, hurting so bad that I feel like I don't even want to be alive myself anymore. I just want to end it all. For the pain to stop.

God help me please
Caprice_WebMD_Staff responded:
Dear Miss Vikki,

How often do you see your therapist? If it's less than once a week, please try and get in more often. Talk with your doctor, talk with your fiance, talk with your friend. The more isolated you are, the deeper the pain.

About the pain.... loss IS painful. There's no shortcuts to getting through it. Trying to escape it doesn't really help. Journal, talk, face it, let yourself cry, let others support you. This loss is still very new so be very careful about thinking that you should already be able to move on.

I hope you can reconnect with your sister and your dad. Remember that it's painful for them too but you do have to take care of yourself first.

Hug your kids, let them be there for you too. Play games with them or watch videos, etc., rather than into drugs. Force yourself to shower and dress and eat each day whether you feel like it or not. Go for walks or exercise. Sometimes we have to 'fake it 'til we make it'. Be patient with yourself and with the process.

I'm so sorry you're struggling so much. Get all the support you can. No, your fiance cannot understand what this feels like but that doesn't mean he can't support you too. (((hugs)))

Your kids need you to take care of their mother. You do not have to act on the feelings you're having.

But if you do need help keeping yourself safe, please call a crisis line .
Miss_Vikki replied to Caprice_WebMD_Staff's response:
Thank you Caprice. This is just so difficult. I'm in tears everyday It's after 2am and i called my sister in tears. We talked for 45 min's. We're ok with each other now, we both apologized.

I do see my therapist. I did miss 2 sessions, but I was in such a deep hole I couldn't manage to find the energy to get out of my house. I keep myself so drugged tot he point f numbness. I just feel so lost.
bonnieindiana replied to Miss_Vikki's response:

I read your story...I know how u feel in a way because I just lost my Guy of 9 years and he was my life. I have been gong thru the same greiving as u just discribed so just know it is just takes time to get thru it girl. I had the same thoughts about taking drugs (which I refused to do) but caught myself with the thoughts in my head and the pills in my hand...I stopped before doing something stupid that would only make things worse and you can too....listen if I can make it thru this so can u!!! I promise .. just take the time u need to miss your Mom. Give yourself permission to cry when ever, whereever you r !!! thats what i did....
At some point remember it comes down to making a "decission" to live...One of the hardest things I have ever had to do but I have to live! I can after 8 months still set and cry for a whole day if I want (and do that when I need to) but I make myself go for a walk, mow the yard or just pull weeds (and if I need to cry while doing it - I DO THAT TOO) Its OK!!!

The people in your life need to see you cry to know they can cry Dad needs you right now and your Sister too and kids as well - do something for them each day each one of them to make their day will give you something to focus on and pass another day by until you can oneday smile again...I promise you that day will come!

I would love to hear from you, anything I can do to help you - it is just one day - sometimes one second at a time.

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