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Anticipatory Grief
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maturemomma posted:
My mother died in October. I stayed with her during her hospice care for 8-10 hours per day for 10 days.

My husband of 36 years has chronic kidney failure and type 1 diabetes. His blood sugar ahs been down to 20 and as high as 1,900. He has 20% kidney function and is not on dialysis.

My sister has multiple myeloma. While still greiving over my mother. My husband's been hospitalized 7 times since July of 2011. My sister who lives in Ohio(Iive in Texas) goes to chemo twice per week.

I tell my closest frends that I've prepared myself for these deaths. The confused feelings of guilt and anger sometimes overwhelms me. I have fibromyalgia and sleep is important to me but I get no sleep.

I have visions of my mother's dying body at times. I can't shake watching my husband convulse waiting for the peramedics when his blood sugar drops to 20. I sit in ICU watching the glucose drip when he's in DKA's.

I feel sad that I can't be near my sister. Most days are ok but, today is not one.
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roxiegrace1 responded:
I have never posted or replied to a posting before, and I believe you are very brave. We both know you cannot prepare for deaths of loved ones but saying this to others makes them feel better so they don't worry about what we are really feeling.

My husband of 28 years died 6 months ago after a lomg. almost 5 year struggle with liver cancer. I cannot talk much about that yet. Feelings are all over the place. Like you I tell eanyone who asks that everything is okay. As you know, everything is a struggle.

Stay strong not only for them but for you. That means you must take time and resources for yourself. I found that talking to friends was too difficult. I talked to a therapist instead which made me feel better because the therapist was not really a part of my life and I did not feel that I was burdening them with my situation.

You wrote that sometimes you are overwhelmed with feelings of guilt and anger and cannot sleep. You are not alone there either. It is not selfish in any way to feel this way sometimes. You cannot change what is happening to your sister or your husband. I am sorry for the loss of your mom. I am grateful to still have mine (in her 80's).

Please be sure to take some time to breath, look at the beauriful blue sky with its white fluffy clouds sailing by and give yourself a big hug. At night take a moment to look at the stars and then tuck yourself in to bed and try to let go of the worries. Don't forget to breath.
 
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maturemomma replied to roxiegrace1's response:
roxiegrace1,
Thank-you for reading. I've never posted anything of this nature myself. I an grateful for my mother for knowing her for my 54 years. I could have asked for anything more. She was 86 years old.

I grew up in fthe funeral business. We even lived next to a cememtary for a while. Grieving is different than the business of death and dying, though.

I am sometimes weary of being strong. Someone just said that I was a "pillar of strength." Go figure. The person who said it has MS and her husband just left her to go live in Sweden. !?**

I have Fibromyalgia and falling to sleep is symptomatic. I am currently retired. Oh, I'm the one who always says to others that change is ongoing. I'm certainly adaptable.

I know that I will come out on the other side of this better. I know that I can not I can't. Please know that because all of us that have taken this time to post to someone that we don't know and share these personal things we will be better for it.

I also think that what I feel now is still in the realm of normal. And that this process takes time. I just need someone other than those around me to tell me that I'm not "over the edge." And, I don't plan to "go there." It's just not me.

I will think of all of those people when I walk the dog and whistle back to the birds. I will also think of you.
 
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33Smiles replied to maturemomma's response:
Hi Maturemomma,
Wow hun, my heart goes out to you. I have lost a lot of people in my life as well and went through 4 losses last year, my most recent being in November. It's really hard and is never an easy thing. Grief and loss are different with each circumstance it seems as well, for me it has been.

I don't think it ever made it easier for me either when I knew ahead of time that someone was short on time. It's different than being surprised by it (I've had that too) but is not any easier.

I just wanted to let you know I read your post and sincerely and genuinely my heart goes out to you. the biggest thing I have learned with grief and loss hun is to give yourself time through it all, let yourself feel the feelings that you feel before it happens and after the passing, it is HARD to feel those feelings and we wish we could escape them and the sorrow. Let yourself feel them though because after you've gone through the whole grieving process, later on when you remember the loved ones on birthdays and special days etc you'll want to be able to feel those feelings again..so dont repress anything or try to avoid it, its awful to have to go through, but let yourself feel it and grieve, be gentle to you, do what works for and helps you through it no matter what anyone else thinks, if you start to cry in public, let those tears fall, tears are healthy and honest. I've learned the hard way. Writing helps me and could be a help to you even before these losses, just do some writing if you feel like it. If you feel like writing a letter or a poem to tell these people how you feel and what you honor about them do so! If youre not one for writing maybe even a short something that tells them I love you, or make them a homemade card, anything that would help you.

Feel free to write on here as much as you want or need to...big hugs, I care very much...we're here for ya.
 
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maturemomma replied to 33Smiles's response:
33smiles,
This way of helping me through my time of grief has helped me begin to heal. I am experiencing physical reactions to my grief. Since January, my b/p has gone up, I've had a cancker sore and thrush mouth. I am truely convinced of the mind and body connection but, I had no idea how my mouth would react! Lol I also have Fibromyalgia to add to the mix. I am a regular caller to our local 911. All of the parimedics in my city are friends and life savers for my husband. Along with the type 11 insulin dependent diabetes he's on kidney dialysis. His blood sugars have ranged from 23 to 1,900, yep that's right! IN the last month I've made 3 calls and had a visit from the local police. They came to the door to tell me that my husband had been found semi-consious on the sidewalk about 1/2 from our home. In the last 3 years he's totaled 2 cars in 4 days. Ours and the rental due to low blood sugars. The second accident occured in a city several miles away from our home. He still doesn't know how he ended up there. So, it's hard not to anticipate somethings. even though he trying to keep being independent, it could kill him. But, I guess you could say if it happened that, he died doing what he loved to do.!?***;}
I am still missin' momma. And the tears still fall, like now but, I do know that how this prcess is for me is not unusual and 6 months is average for the first stages of grieving. I have a sister who has Multiple Myeloma, a blood cancer. She's recovering from stem cell transplant therapy. I know that this illness has no cure and is fatal, but her health will be managed with the best of care. She lives in another state so, I gets to me sometimes.
My husband and I are going to East Lansing, Michigan to see our daughter, son-in-law and our firs grandbaby, he's 2 1/2 years old. This is my husbands firs time out of town since 2008 when they got married. Our anniversaries are in the same week! I am looking forward to the trip for me and even more than him. Even with all that goes on I still get the chance to go to Michigan. The last trip in Decmember got cut short because I had to come back 2 weeks early because his blood surgar went up to 1,900 and intensive care.
I keep my daily affirmations and write in my journal. Thank for your post and know that we are here to help each other both near and far, seen and unseen.


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