This year I didnt expect everything to sort of just come undone and so fast. You start off the year expecting good things to come. You dont expect the world to suddenly fall apart on you so soon. My year starts off with april having lost my grandmother. She would have been eighty-six this month. It was Easter of all days when she passed away at the convalescent home. Doctors the month before discovered that she had cancer as well as all her other health related issues. It had spread to her bones. It was our decision or not to start her off on chemo if we wanted. Doctors said it would have just made her super ill and probably due to age and other health issues not have taken it well. She was fading fast. At the end of the day her dialysis was stopped and comfort care was decided. That was a battle in itself. I saw how my mother suffered with that decision. She didnt want to make it. We prolonged it for a whole month till the end of march when it was time to let her go.
I have come to terms in a sense to that loss. I surpassed my dad's brother dying a month after our grandmother. I havent though surpassed the passing of my own mother. Towards the end of June she began feeling ill. It was a wednesday morning when my dad awoke me to come and see how my mother was breathing. It was just horrible to see her lying there without moving. Paramedics tried getting her up but she was so weak. Going to the hospital they found out she had a hemorrhagic stroke. That very day they stopped the bleeding but the damage was done. She had lost almost half her brain. I always talked to her while I would visit. It was a total of almost two weeks or so that she survived that way. Barely moved her right side to just about being vegetative till the very end. Her cirrosis just took over and she passed away. I still dream about her doing things she would normally do since that is what I remember her last as. My birthday is in june and she went out of her way to make it special. Balloon, beautiful tops I love, special food, a cake, etc. The day before she breathed differently she was standing making dinner and the next day bedridden in a hospital unable to speak or barely move. How can I keep myself from falling apoart? Doctor told me the reason I havent been feeling well lately was because it sounded like I had anxiety. I want to keep myself feeling well while taking care of my family. I have assumed the role my mother would have. I helped her out a little but its all up to me now.
I believe I have accepted my grandmother's death. I find that she is indeed peaceful now. I figure her age was another factor in my coming to terms with her death. It has been though most difficult in coming to terms with my mom's death. This Thanksgiving marked four months since her passing. I was thankful that we got invited to a dinner so I didnt have to make preparations on my own this year. My mom was the turkey maker in our family. I was fearing my first try at making something. I always just stuck by making the potatoes. I thought i wasnt going to make it but I did ok. I want to know how do holidays get easier? Christmas is soon and I believe we have gotten yet again invitations to other family's houses. I felt on turkey day that if I stayed home I would be constantly reminded of my mom being gone. The same turkey smells gone...just everything. So I urged my father to go out. This time I dont want to keep hiding and avoiding this empty house as it seems without her. How do i make it past the new year? I jumped one hurdle and I want to know how to jump the last two. I miss my mom a lot and I dream with her a lot. I loved her dearly but at some point I have to keep moving forward looking past all my loses including loss of love. I just need to know how to do it.
AkariMoon, I cannot tell you anything other than when the anxiety gets to be to much......just breath......it does not get easier - I beleive you will just learn how to control WHEN the tears come. The first year of holidays are the hardest.... Just Breath!!!!!. Blless your heart - I am praying for you! Bonnie
I thank you for the prayers. Its been a while since she did pass and I find it still hard on me to deal with. She never knew but I also had found love. But he too abandoned me. He is getting married to someone else after having sustained something for almost three years. I had a lot of loss last year and there are times I just stop myself and the tears and frustration come in. Then I go back to remembering her and what should have happened before she died and it kills me. I dont know what to do when those days come where I feel a bit drained. I dealt with a lot fine sometimes I find I cant. I again thank you though for the prayers. Its been hardest on me since she and I were a lot closer than she was with my sis.
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