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amandabrown posted:
basically just need to vent and am wanting to i guess just to feel supported, like im not alone. 05/26/2009 i lost my little 5 year old brother. my dad has always been a pill addict and im not sure if he was messed up on pills while this happened, but he was dropping both my little brothers off at their mothers house, and my father and his ex wife got into an arguement, well he ended up leaving, well trying to...he was driving one of those 1970s heavy vans and i guess backed over my little brother. he then stood up and said im ok, but his eyes rolled back and he dropped to the ground, which is the sign of a head injury. he was taken to a local (bad) hospital where he was resesitated (sp?) they cut open his chest and shocked his heart, from there he was flown to childrens hospital and thats where i arrived, 9 months pregnant with my first son. i was the first to arrive and saw everything, saw all the nurses scrambling to save this little boy, every one was panicking, i got pulled in a room with social servies and was then sent to wait in the waiting room until dylan (my brother) was stable enough to have family. he was in icu forever it seemed like, all my family was there, yelling at my father, him balling his eyes out, feeling guilty of course, we were rushed in after 2 or 3 hours of waiting because the doctor and nurses said he would ie soon. it was myself, father, and step mother in the room when he passed away not even 5 minutes of getting in the room. i said my goodbyes and was just in shock, i didnt really cry, just kind of felt numb, it was too much to take in. i hate to say it but i always played favorites with my brothers i was 20 at the time of his death and it was like i raised dylan since my step mom was an alcoholic, pill addict as well. now here i amalmost 4 years later, ive over come alcoholism for the most part, i do relapse sometimes but im young and working on it. i am now married and ive always known his death has affected me very negatively. i cry all the time now, its like the greiving process started as soon as i had my son 2 weeks after my brother died, i felt no attachment, was just sad, but now even years later like i said i cry all the time, i shut myself down, wont talk. i work a more than full time job with two children now and pay all my bills which are a lot to handle with how much my husband and i make. i honestly dont even know why im typing this, maybe its because the 4 years is coming up soon and im emotional. ive cut myself once or twice and no one knows but 2 friends and my husband my family wouldnt accept it. i cant get into counseling due to my work schedule i just feel like im trapped and all i want is to get over this death. i dont want to cry anymore. i want my brother back, the whole situation wasnt fair but life isnt fair....but i just keep wishing it was. i just want to hug him one more time, i want my family to not be this trashy addict family. i dont know if i should be angry with my father or just support him and not show my emotions bc he feels bad enough. so many emotions are going on. i just wish it could all be ok.
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