I don't know what to say that I haven't already said a hundred times to a hundred different people. So here are the key points:
1. My husband suffered from PTSD and TBI
2. My husband lost his battle with his disabilities and committed suicide March 2012. We were married almost 5 years, together almost 6 (I was basically his caregiver)
3. I came home to find my husband dead in our garage, from a gun shot wound to the head (and was diagnosed with PTSD myself approximately 4 months later)
4. We had a daughter together, she was 2 yrs old at the time (now almost 3 1/2)
5. I didn't cope in a healthy way and my actions eventually led to rehab and hospitalization
6. I lost custody of my daughter Dec 2012, to my mother in law (who blames me for her son's death, still)
7. I have been fighting ever since to regain custody. But regardless of my sobriety, involvement in therapy and psychiatric care, attending parenting education classes, random drug screening, and jumping through the hoops of Family Division, I am still hopeless
8. My daughter is all I have left and without her I can't even get out of bed in the morning
9. One month ago I finally started bereavement support groups (survivors of suicide specifically). Everyone said it would help but all it has done is bring up everything I was trying so hard to forget
10. It does not matter how many times you tell me, "It's not your fault", because the guilt is always going to be there. And the reason I'm making this online post at nearly 3am is because I just took a shower, and cried, as I so often do. The shower feels like the only safe place to cry. This weight in my heart, this pain in my chest, the difficulty to breathe, the nightmares, the flashbacks; all of it is consuming me.
11. I don't know how to be happy. I don't know how to move on. I don't know how to forgive. I don't know how to stop being so angry. I don't know how stop living in the past. I don't know how to focus on the happier times because all I can remember is the bad times.
12. I don't even know why I'm taking the time to type all of this out. I try to write in a journal and my hand shakes uncontrollably. I can't write as fast as the words want to spill from my brain.
13. I've attempted to read several different self-help books dealing with loss by suicide, understanding suicide, and so forth, and it's too painful
14. Living is too painful. But I can't abandon my daughter. She doesn't deserve that.
15. Unhealthy thoughts taunt me. They dance around my mind. They tempt me. I try to focus on my daughter. Ultimately I fear death.
16. No one else in my husband's life had to see what I saw. Their last memories of my husband are pleasant. They are not of a corpse. Everyone blames me for failing as a mother, as a wife, and as a person. But no one stops to think about it from my point of view.
I'm not expecting a bunch of replies, or even one. To whoever reads this, thank you for taking the time. It still hurts to breathe and I'm still crying, but I didn't keep it inside this time. So that's got to count for something, right?
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