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    Welcome to Grumpy Groupies!!! This group is open to every one. I hope that all my buddies will join and use it often. Sad or happy, NO discussion is taboo. I do ask that you use Trigger in the title when necessary. Hopefully we can have fun and also support those who are having a hard time. Muahs
    Venting & Stuff (*could have triggers, not sure*)
    skypper posted:
    Ok, so I need a place to set this out and see what others think abut it all...I don't know I've just got so, so much in my head so trying to empty it out some? lol
    Ok, that doesn't sound quite right, but you know....

    Lately I've been thinking about the question everyone asks me, How did you end up with this guy? Why do you stay there? How do you deal? Well the answer, of course is not a simple one and I finally had a crystal clear answer to it.

    I found someone who despises me as much as I despise myself. Not to say that he's always bad or always has been, but the two of us together in a relationship, we just don't get along all that well.
    At the time I made the decision to come back here I was at the lowest point of my life that I had ever been, and I wanted to die, had written myself off and didn't think I deserved anything or to ever be happy again, so when my dad and brother pushed me to come back here, I conceded. Some of you know all of this already so I won't go into too many details there.
    Lately I've been so sad and overwhelmed with everything going on, it's life, it just keeps coming at you. Issues with my daughter (that's another long, long story), so, so busy with my kids, pretty much every day we have some kind of appointment or another along with all the regular stuff, yet I'm with them literally 24/7 and I feel like I have no support or encouragement whatsoever, I'm just overwhelmed.
    And I think to myself, WHAT am I doing here?
    I'm not saying I want to leave and run away, I just want to find a way to deal with my problems instead of ignoring them anymore.

    Everything bad that happens or goes wrong with my kids, I get the blame...most of the time I ignore it as a bunch of bs, other times I want to smack the hell out of certain people, and other times it just makes me really sad...

    But at the end (or beginning) of it all, I have realized that I am very angry, I mean ANGRY, like seething with anger and I don't know what to do with or about it. And also really, really sad. Not a good combo.

    The other night I randomly stopped at some little store, a place I normally would never go to look for some coffee filters. I caught a glimpse of this guy handing out flyers for a church as I was going in, but thought that I must be mistaken in thinking it was who I thought it was.

    Well walking out with my son, I looked and it was who I thought it was, I kind of hoped he didn't recognize me because well, honestly it's been like 20 years since the last time i saw him and I've changed (I thought) and I looked terrible from having been up all this past week with insomnia, I had only gone out to give my SIL a ride to pick something up, since I have a truck. Dude, it was my ex-bf, as in, my very 1st bf ever, 1st boy i ever kissed bf...

    SO he's all like, what? you're not even gonna say hi?
    So, I turned around and said ummm, hi, i'm with my son, he said hi to my son and asked his name, told me he was a grandpa now & had 2 granddaughters that he was so in love with, asked how my mom, her husband (deceased) and my bf were doing (yeah they knew each other back then) ....and after a minute or two i said i had to go...I kind of wanted to talk a little more to ask how he was doing but probably not the best idea ever.

    It was weird, I was totally unprepared for that. It got me to thinking, I really used to love that boy (now man) but I broke up with him because this one time he did something, or rather tried to do something that really I would not stand for and s we broke up. But we kept in touch and he always seemed to check up on me and ask if I was doing ok, and if whomever I was seeing was being good to me, he always seemed to really care about me and never treated me wrong again. But life goes on you know, he had a kid from some girl back when we were still teens and I moved away...
    skypper responded:

    I feel like I was so much more sure about myself back then and about what I would take and accept and what I would not and had no problem letting someone know they could not treat me however they wanted.

    I know having kids changes things, but somewhere along the line I think I just lost all my self respect and I just can not figure out how the hell that happened!

    Then a day or two later I was talking to my brother on the phone and he asked if I wanted to knw WHY he & dad pushed me back here. So I asked why and he said it was because dad and himself felt bad that they couldn't give me the lifestyle that I needed, that they couldn't provide for me the way I was used to and deserved and they thought this guy could and that it would be best for me.

    So that's what they decided. I really disagree with that, I told my brother that's not even what MATTERS anyone can give me THINGS and I don't really need them. He told me, Dude, you're high-maintenance, I said I wasn't, but he insists that I am...*shrugs* idk...
    But even if that's true, don't you think some day I could have found someone who really wants to be with me who could provide?

    So then I was thinking, God maybe thats why my dad was feeling so bad and so guilty because he saw and heard how unhappy I was...but at that time it wasn't just here, I was really going through a lot and struggling through my days just to somewhat function back then, so that might be another reason they thought I needed to get out of the ghetto...I told my brother yeah, we were really poor, but we were happy, and he did agree with that at least.

    So now, do you know how I feel?
    I feel like one of those girls from the midevel times whose family sold her off to the barron so she could inherit his lands and horses...when all the time she was pining over one day finding her one true love who may be a stable boy or he may have been a prince but it wouldn't have mattered either way.

    Well I have no resolution...just trying to get it out...that's some of what's been bouncing back and forth through my mind these past few days...stuff I can't talk to anyone about....I wish my mind weren't so "busy"
    jselleck replied to skypper's response:
    Poor thing. I grew up "poor" also. And I swore growing up I would make better than my parents. I even went to college, something both my parents didn't. And then I fell in love with my husband who never went to college and works a job with not great pay. But he loves working security and I won't take that away from him. He even offered to go back to school to make me happy after we got married. I asked him "would that honestly make you happy?" And when he said no, it wouldn't, I said then don't do it. Sure we struggle, especially since I had to go on disabilty, but we're happy together and in my book that's all that matters. I hope that someday you can find happiness.

    skypper replied to jselleck's response:
    Girl, i just don't understand how I landed here. I had made the decision so long ago not to be but here I am. The boyfriend, i know we have our issues, he's not a bad guy, I know I complain a lot and there's stuff to be desired and things he does...but we get/got along so much better as friends...I don't want to hurt anybody...least of all my kids...and he, well sometimes when I sit and think about it, he is the one who has stuck by me the longest, but my gawwd he can be such an a-hole!

    I know I have to find happiness within myself before i can find/experience it with another person. I need to find a way to deal with this ever present rage that lives inside me, I mean it is always there.
    slik_kitty replied to skypper's response:
    get yourself a punching bag. then with every hit on it, say in your mind, or out loud, what you are angry about. it won't make the problems go away, but it will release some of your anger. then with the anger cleared from your head, you can think more clearly about where you want to go from here. hugs
    bpcookie responded:
    Oh Michelle honey, Why in the Hell would you despise yourself? You are a beautiful and wonderful person. I totally adore you.

    Trying to raise a family is stressful, especially when you have no support. Your pretty much raising your kids on your own. Their father doesn't help out much at all. I know how you feel too. I was raising 5 kids and their father didn't help me at all. Its like, every single minute of every single day your busy raising a family.

    I really think you could use a vacation, away from everyone. I tell women to do this all the time. If things are stressful and the guy your with is part of that stress, then get the Hell out of Dodge. Just you and a girl friend, even if its for only one night. it will really help. I did it once myself and I had a blast.

    I hope that getting all of this off your shoulders make you feel a bit better. Now go make a reservation at a hotel and have fun. muahs
    When all else fails, go Bipolar all over their azzes!!
    jselleck replied to bpcookie's response:
    I totally agree with Slik and Cookie!!! A punching bag can do wonders for your temper/outlook on life. Plus you are a beautiful, wonderful, caring person. I don't know how moms with no support from their significant others do it. Heck, I could barely keep myself in line when I was living by myself. Honest to God truth. Plus you are the busiest person I know. One of my friends has four kids, but from what you've told us, you beat her hands down. By like a bazillion miles. No, I mean it. Don't argue with me girl. If anyone needs at least a day away from the kids and everything else in their life, it's you. Seriously. It'll work wonders for your outlook in life. Hubbie tries to give me at least one day a year to go out with friends, spend money, you know act as crazy as I wanna be. He he, can I ever!!! We call it my manic day. Well, because I'm usually manic when I take it. All I have to do is tell him I need a manic day and if we can afford it he lets me go hog wild. Within limits of course. It's the best medicine ever!!!! So take my advice, see if you can get someone to watch the kids and/or be chauffeur for at lest a day and GO HAVE SOME FUN!!!!! Feel better girl!!! (((((HUGS)))))

    skypper replied to jselleck's response:
    Oh you guys are probably right! I feel like I do need t get away, BY MYSELF, for a bit. But any time I wwanna go somewhere he's like why don't you take so & so with you, they NEED to get out, you NEED to do stuff with them, you NEED to spend more time with them.... ummmm HEllOOO!!! I feel like I'm with one of my kids or the other every f'ing second of every f'ing day!!!!!! I'm suffocating, that IS the problem, I just figured it out.

    I'm suffocating, drowning in all this mess, all this stress, I am so stressed beyond you wouldn't believe. There's stuff that's been going on that I can't post here or on facebook that has me freaking out every day....

    Everyone says I'm a good parent, so why do I feel so rotten at it?

    We're only in February...I'm trying to plan a pre-mothers-day getaway with one of my SIL's who i know would go, like a week before mothers day we take our own day, rent a room and go on a winery tour and to the casino, well i'm not a gambler but it would be nice just to be out in the land of the living...but thats not till MAY!

    Boys will be out of town this weekend, so it'll be me and my dd, we're planning on doing our hair, eating junk and having a James Franco Movie Marathon! lol
    That will be fun I think, plus my roots are about 2inches long, so I really need to fix my hair...

    I think I will look into finding a punching bag, maybe I can find a good deal on craigslist, that's where I found my treadmill...
    Alright I've gotta run and get my son from school, its a short day today.
    thank you everyone for taking time to even read this
    bpcookie replied to skypper's response:
    Like I said before, you are the one having to raise the kids. They are his kids too. So, tell him that the kids need time with their dad, to get to know him. lol. Then, pack a small bag, mostly with goodies, say "adios" and zzzoooommmm, go to a hotel with a friend of yours. Oh, turn your cell phone off. It will be just you and your friend. Make it so nobody can call you, send you a txt, etc. If you allow one txt to come through from HIM or your children, then the vacation away is NOT a vacation at all anymore. Don't wait till Mothers Day. Find a weekend that he doesnt work, or tell him to take the weekend off because you have a SURPRISE. Then when he has the weekend off and he wants to know what the surprise is, hold up your packed bag and say "this is. See ya in a few days". LOL I just now started LMAO at the thought of you doing that. LOL. Oh and also get away on Mothers Day as well. hehehehe

    Get this. When I was raising 5 kids my stupid, selfish, jerk of a husband was doing nothing but drinking. 4 of the kids were HIS. After over six years of this, his oldest son started doing drugs, bringing them in the house, ditching school, getting suspended and getting into trouble with the law. I got so tired of my (then) husband because he wasn't helping. One Sat. I packed a bag, told him I was going to a hotel with my girl friends, and I left. (you should have seen the look on his face) LMAO Ooohhhh it was great. I didn't have to think about anything but having a good time.

    Love ya, muahs
    When all else fails, go Bipolar all over their azzes!!

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