Women's Health Community

Dear marie: I agree, usually depression symptoms, or other side effects, tend to arise within the initial months of birth control pill (BCP) use. What you have described sounds like pretty severe mood swings; bad enough to interfere with your quality of life.

I would urge you to go back to the GYN or clinic who prescribed your BCPs. Here is a link to a very well known, standardized test to determine the severity of your mood swings. Print out the test, take it, and bring it with your to the GYN appointment. The GYN may decide to change your brand of BCP, or they may recommend another approach. You can even score the test yourself and print the score at the bottom:

http://www.ibogaine.desk.nl/graphics/3639b1c_23.pdf

In Support,
Jane

Thank you so much Jane, this was really helpful!

I have been married to my wife of 20 years. About 6 -8 months ago her Docter changed her birth control pills to the Loestrin 24. I asked her why back then, and she said woman change. I left it at that. About 4 months ago I was made aware that she had not gotten her period for 3 straight months. I had asked her a few times what was wrong , as she started acting different. She said she was fine.

I have to point out that she seemed to be the loner type who needed her time alone , she keeps everything in, and isnt to sharing with her thoughts. It has been this way since I met her oer 20 years ago. I was always out doing my thing. We have 2 kids and have had some issues in the past with attention, especially when my first was born. she is now 17. Since then I still do my own thing, but have made huge strides in being around the house more and doing more things as a family. She agreed this was the case.

I have not talked with myfather since July, Xmas eve, I decided to stay home alone , rather then go to my fathers house, This upset my wife alot. When she came home that eve , she sat on the couch. I felt like she didnt care about me. I guess they all felt the same way. I was dead wrong about a lot of things, that I realize now. I would never lay a hand on her , I have been the sole provider in this family and she was a stay at home mom. Our sex life seemed to be fair to above ave.

I thought things were great, but as I stated,I felt she began to change a bit. Christmas eve night and we got into it, I made the suggestion that if she does not care about me and based on how she was acting different, maybe a seperation was to be. I pushed and pushed for an answer to this. It took out a whole lot of feelings for my wife. She hit me with not being happy for awhile, to All I care about is myself. I tried to explain that I left her alone, because she seemed to wanted to be left alone.

I didnt know it was this bad, but I felt it was just her. I do not know whats going on with her. I do not think Im saying this now because of what transpired. I had mentioned to her that I was thinking about 3 months prior she had changed.Asked her if maybe it was the pill change.. She said its not about that, but her feeings. I think she feels Im looking for excuses. But I know its something more , I am not denying the fact that I havent been the perfect husband, But I feel I have provided and been there for all of them.

I also wonder if its the kids getting older, She had made a comment asking where we would be when the kids leave.

Everytime I ask whats going on with her and her head, she just replys " nothing" or This talk of our realationship. She plans to go off this pill at the end of the cycle. Im hoping this pill has something to do with it, as I cant reach her these days, something I was able to do for 20 years. Shes down, I console , we go on. She says she loves me and wants this to work, she also said this wont change overnight. I love her so much, Im so worried on whats going on in her head, She also has gotten heavy into nutrition and working out at home. She seems obsessed with it. She wont go talk to anyone, I asked her to go to counseling, but it seems she doesnt need that. I am so messed up right now. Everyone and anyone has told me to just lay off, go sleep in the living room and stop bringing all this up. Last Night I hugged her, told her I loved her and knew what I needed to do. I went to the couch, she got stern with the return to our bed and said me sleeping on the couch wasnt nessasary..

Im not sure where to direct any of this on the site. It could be many things. Just me,? the pill,? change of life? age? I have no clue what to do anymore. I try and leave her alone, I cant. I try and be nice, its only because of this situation. I try and be myself and thats no good... If anyone can help me I would appreciate it, Thank you , Angelo

Dear Angelo: I appreciate the sincere thought it took to wrote your letter to us. Let's take the easy question first, OK? The Loestrin 24 commonly causes missed "Pill periods". In fact some of the company's advertising touts this as an advantage. It does not harm the women, by merely changing to a different formulation of Pill we can create as little or much flow as desired.

The mood swing question does not have as much of an easy answer. In my clinical experience birth control pills (BCPs) can worsen, improve, or not impact women's moods. It is very individualized. In my opinion, if a woman has had a personal or family history, of depression/postpartum depression or severe PMS, that woman may be more vulnerable to having more problems with down moods on BCPs.

I am not a therapist, but it sounds like there are some significant communications going on between you both. I believe that all anyone really wants is to be loved and accepted unconditionally. Frequently all this gets confused within relationships. My husband and I filed divorce papers within four years of marriage. Fortunately we stayed together and have had a loving marriage of 35 years. I cannot speak for him, but some of the themes you shared from you and your wife sound very familiar to our conflicts.

"Midlife" can be a hard time for women. Kids may be out of the house. One is constantly told by the media that we need to stay young and attractive. The lack of estrogen in menopause can worsen sleep and mood (but she is on the BCP so should be getting plenty of estrogen right now).

If she does not want to talk to a counselor or therapist--so be it. Don't let that stop you from going. In terms of family dynamics, one person going into therapy is like a mobile. If one piece starts moving all other pieces are moved as well.

Hopefully things will evolve through this difficult time. You certainly can seek help from someone with more expertise in relationships.

In Support,
Jane

Angelo,

I am a 45 year old woman who went through the exact same thing that your wife is going through. My kids all moved out and started their own life around the same time. But truth is, even before that I was dreading it. You start to question your identity because you've always been a mother. What happens when they leave? Also if your whole lives have centered around the kids, you tend to lose yourself. Then the hormone trouble started. My cycle was very heavy and irregular. My GNC put me on the Loestrin 24 and I had a period that lasted over a month. They kept telling me to take it but I got off of it. I am going have a procedure called NovaSure. If you don't plan on having any more children. This is an excellent procedure. It is very safe and can eliminate your period altogether without any major surgery. Anyway, the Loestrin made me feel really depressed and confused. I threw that crap away. I don't believe in putting synthetic hormones into my body. It can't be healthy. I feel much better just by exercising, eating healthy, and getting enough sleep. I will be going to a pharmasist and doing a saliva test for my hormones. She will then mix a compound which will consist of natural hormones. It's a cream that you rub on once a day and it has done wonders for many of my family members. I was lucky that I understood what was happening to my body and researched the problem. Don't give up on her... it's probably something physical that can be helped. I know from experience the depression made me unhappy with everyone in my life, including my husband but it wasn't him at all. It was my hormones. Things are awesome now and we have an even better relationship and sex life!

Thanks so much for the replys, It means a lot and It atleast gives me hope. Im not sure if I want to beleive its the pill or it really is. But I cant keep thinking a lot of her actions are so not her. She has also lost a lot of weight and I am so worried about her. Im also worried about me and my kids. This time has been the hardest time in my life. I know I have my head on straight and will make major improvments to make this the best life she can have . I just need that chance and I been constantly speaking my mind to her , telling her how much I love her, telling her This will get better. She seems to be stand offish at times and loves me again at other times. Now after all this I have found out there is a guy at work , she met him a month ago and was talking to him a lot. She doesnt have the time to meet him since she needs to leave work to pick up the kids. And she is home every night. But she did confess to kissing him. She also said its juts a friend, Im worried that if you had feelings like this towards other men. Is it a phase? What can it be and how do I deal? These are some of the things I cant understand , she would never , ever do such a thing just for the reason of embarresment with friends and more importantly my kids. I think she isnt realizing what she is doing. Can it be that this pill does these sort of things?? She also has a friend thats been divorced twice, she is the only person my wife really talks to about important stuff. At first I loved the idea she had a great friend, then she got her 2nd divorce. All the things I hear from this woman is negativity, she has not once said to my wife, " I hope things work out for you" instead she is saying things like " he wont let us be friends anymore and He wont allow our sons to be friends anymore. This is so far from the truth it stinks bad. This man at work is another, he cant be saying things in a positive way that will help this situation. I just dont understand how people can be, It really makes you wonder how people sleep at night..I deep down think this will never work, The only chance I feel I have, is this pill throwing her that far off and she needs to find herself and whats important again, FAMILY..

If anyone has any experiences please share, maybe my mind will be at rest.

If someone has this pill in their system, how long will it take to see a change if it was in fact the pill to begin with??

Thanks , Angelo

Dear Angelo: The hormones in her birth control pill (BCP) should be pretty much out of her body within a week. I sincerely hope that it is a reaction to the BCP. Yet you have mentioned other concerning things (weight loss, a close friendship/kiss with another man) which may not have to do with the BCP.

Marriages can survive all kinds of things, including depression, problems with kids, even outside relationships. I hope you can find a professional person (even her MD which is prescribing the BCPs) who can help you get the most accurate answers, and/or offer referral sources for her (or you). You are asking all the right questions; you deserve "for sure" answers beyond what you can get from the Internet Universe.

In Support,
Jane

Thank you Jane, Im just not sure how to reach her... Its getting to the point Im going to say ,Just leave.. But whats was werid about that also is when I bascially said that the other night, she held onto me all night and a time I was heading to the couch to sleep , she got weird saying" get back here right now.." Its seems everythime she knows Im not playing, she changes.. Wow this is brutal.. I never realized what divorced people go through. Its is horrible...

Hi angman88!

It looks like our dear Jane has given you some wonderful information.

I'd also like to point you over to our Relationships and Coping board , where you can also get some feedback about how to talk with your wife from our relationships expert, Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD.

I hope that you and your wife are both able to get the help you need to make weather this trying time.

Take care,
Olivia

Im sorry to inform that I do not think it was the Birth Control pills. If anything , I feel that matters have gotten worse. I have tried everything. I tried being quiet, I have tried giving an ultimatum, When I say everything. I mean everything. My wife will not go to a counseler , will not see if it is the change of life or some in balance. She says she knows exactly what she is doing. She does say she is stayong home in order to see ifthings change, I think its inevitible this marrige is history. I do not know how to cope, Im afraid for her, my family and myself. I have never experienced this sort of pain. I wish I could change things, I wish I could make it all up to her, I wish I could go back in time. Yes , reality has hit me and I am at the point of not knowing what to do.. I miss her, I miss us. Thanks for everyones help, angelo

Dear Angelo: We are sorry for your loss. Having been to the edge of the "divorce cliff," and almost jumped, I know how depressed I was--and the intensity of the emotional pain.

It's true you cannot force someone else into therapy, but you can save yourself. For me that meant doing the personal work I needed to do. Just when I was getting to the feeling "I can do this without him" I think things started to change. You might want to see a counselor yourself about your own pain/loss, and to reclaim your own best strength.

In Support,
Jane

Angelo,

Here are some crisis resources that you may want to pass along to your wife and they are there for you to use as well if you need them.

If you haven't already, I hope you'll post to our Relationships expert for some more pointed feedback for what you're going through.

Olivia