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OCD HYPOCHONDRIA OF HIV.. please help!
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An_251638 posted:
okay so I'll try to make my long story as short as possible
I have been afraid of HIV since I learned about it when I was 8 years old.
I've been a hypochondriac most of my life, suffering from alot of anxiety and depression to the extreme, but lately my hypochondria is out of control.

Basically, my fear of HIV sparked back up a few years ago, I met my now fiance, and we had unprotected sex because I trusted him, etc.
I went to my gynocologist and got all std testing done EXCEPT hiv because it scares me so much. she asked me if I had unprotected sex before and I told her I did with my boyfriend and she was making it seem like I had the disease or something and must get tested at once
I ran out the office hysterically crying, my childhood fear was brought back up.
This was almost 3 years ago. To this day I am so physically and mentally afraid.

My fiance took the oraquick tests a few times and they came out negative.
I still dont believe it.

In my neck, I can feel a couple of small moveable lymphnodes

I can sometimes feel them in my arms where your arms bend in that space if I press hard enough

I'm constantly looking for them. I've been able to feel them for almost 2 years now, because I started researching about HIV so much and everywhere I read was lymphnodes lymphnodes
I didnt even know what lymphnodes are! but I looked into them and found out every single please where they were in your body and started feeling them everywhere
one day my entire body was hurting in EVERY spot my lymphnodes are supposed to be located, literally throbbing.
I couldnt feel anything at the time but maybe because I was so new to it that I didnt know how, and now I do?
But that pain lasted about 4 days, it was the worst time of my life,
I went to the doctor and she said it was probably just a cold/virus, it was in the winter time.

My thing is, If I dont have HIV then why can i feel small lymphnodes thoughout my body?
Can stress and always thinking about it make them palpable?
God I hope so.
My therapist says you can make anything hurt in your body with your mind, like if you think really hard about your foot hurting itll start hurting,
but can your mind make your lymph nodes swell??
some doctors and people tell me that thats not even swollen, but I've read some doctors say If you an feel them at all they are swollen!
I am so scared
knock on wood I havent had even a fever in yearssss I mean since I was in middle school or something
I just dont understand what is going on with me, I'm sorry if I sound phsychotic or immature but I cant escape this I know the only answer is to get tested but I am truly not ready for that right now, I am way too fearful.

any insight would be helpful

thank you and god bless.

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georgiagail responded:
Most lymph nodes are very near the surface of the body. They can easily be felt. As I sit here by my computer I can reach up and easily feel the lymph nodes in my neck and I'm an old geezer so my neck isn't the tightest in the world.

I can also easily feel them in my armpits.

In addition, if one keeps poking at them to try to find them, they tend to swell and get tender. Point being when you keep checking for them, they certainly let you know they are there.

Just because you can feel them does not mean you have HIV. You don't have HIV because your boyfriend doesn't have it. His testing has clearly shown this. Believe the test results.

Keep working with your therapist to get over your hypochondria about a disease you do not have and cannot get from a partner who does not have this to give you.

Gail


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