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Advice needed in situation
An_252713 posted:
Hi everyone,
I came here looking for advice on a recent situation. I have been with a woman for a year and a half and we are due to be married in a little more than two weeks. two days ago she revealed to me she was HIV positive. I was shocked to put it mildly. My mind is still reeling from the news. i don't know what types to questions to ask or what facts there are that are available.
She told me she goes to she someone at a clinic every 3 months and takes medication; sometimes skipping a day. She tells me her doctor says she can have sex without a condom because she is so healthy. She also wants to have children.
She has asked me not to tell anyone because she is affraid others will look at her differently.
We have not had sex, and I am going to meet her doctor on Monday. What sort of questions should I be asking both of them?
Any advice would be welcome. Thanks in advance.
georgiagail responded:
Perhaps the most important question you might ask the physician involves the risk to you regarding unprotected intercourse.

It is important to keep in mind that even someone who is so well controlled on medication that their viral load (the amount of virus in their blood) is "undetectable" by current testing methods is NOT HIV free. There is a risk (albeit small in many well controlled individuals) of the possibility of passing this on to someone else during unprotected intercourse.

If you plan on engaging in unprotected intercourse with this woman you need to have accurate information from her physician on just how well controlled she is in regards to her viral load and her status.

In addition, there is another concern that you should be addressing. You have been with this woman for a year and a half and you two are planning on marrying very soon and in all that time she has conveniently failed to reveal she is HIV positive. She waits to drop this news onto you two weeks prior to the wedding?

This, to me, is absolutely shocking and quite frankly, if I were you I would be having very serious second thoughts about marrying this person....NOT because of her status but rather because of her failure to disclose such until right before you two were about to be married.

If she has failed to be forth coming regarding having HIV, is she forth coming regarding how "healthy" she is in terms of having unprotected intercourse with others without the risk of infecting them?

Weekender replied to georgiagail's response:

I am so thankful for your honest reply. I admit sometimes I am okay with her status, other times not so sure. The shock is similar to me as the day my father died. It is very powerful then fades and hits again full force.
I am having thoughts about cancelling. I have spoken to her about postponing at least and she gets resentful.
We had spoken about having children and I read that there is a one in four chance of a child being born with the virus, and even if born negative, the child must be tested for some time.

Is her doctor giving her bad information?

Thank you so much again!
georgiagail replied to Weekender's response:
I do find it ironic that she finds it resentful regarding your discussing postponing the marriage as I see this NOT as a punishment for her status but rather as a time to allow you to digest the fact she withheld this very important information from you for so long into your relationship.

There are many HIV positive women who go on to have perfectly healthy, non-infected children. In a positive woman who take her medication faithfully the risk is much lower than 25 percent that the child will be born positive. There are also alternative options for you to impregnate her without risking your health (i.e., artificial insemination using your semen) if you do not wish to risk exposure through unprotected intercourse.

So yes, "magnetic" couples certainly have good options to have non-infected children together should they wish to have a family.

Weekender replied to georgiagail's response:
Thank you Gail,

I will speak to her about this today. I am very hopeful thanks to your comments concerning children.
I will post an update later.
Thank you again
georgiagail replied to Weekender's response:
A good article on HIV and pregnancy:

Keep in mind that WITHOUT treatment (i.e., positive women on medication during pregnancy) the risk to the infant can be that 25 percent. WITH medication (as the article states) this typically drops to as low as 1 percent.

Weekender replied to georgiagail's response:
Sorry for the long delay. But I've been a little depressed and easily distracted. She did agree to delay. I went to visit the nurse treating her at the nearby hospital and she cleared up some questions, but I still have a lot of learning to do.
I really am thankful for the help given here and will probably be back often to ask more.

Thank you.

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