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Has TTC affected your relationship?
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Yvette Smith, MD, MPH posted:
The decision to try for pregnancy can be a very exciting time. Couples have different approaches. Some have a "que sera, sera" attitude and are very relaxed. Other couples are determined to become pregnant in as efficient a manner as possible. But as the time goes by -- one month, three months, then 6 months -- stress can develop.

Are you sad because your period just started, again? Did he really say not to worry, it'll work next time? Do you feel he's not taking it seriously enough? Does he think you're over-reacting? Or vice versa? The differences in how you approach new issues can be magnified during this time. Some people like numbers and charts, while other people prefer to go with the flow.

Watch your relationship. Has sex become a chore? A job? A means to an end instead of a joyful expression of your love for each other? Many fertility clinics refer clients to counselors because they know how taxing trying to conceive can become.

So what can you do? Communicate your feelings. Check in on your partner's feelings. Agree that it's okay to stop for a month or two if one of you is feeling overwhelmed by the process. Make sure you are spending time together that is not focused on the goal of conceiving.

What have you done to help keep your relationship intact as you've tried to conceive?
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An_191579 responded:
In a word, yes. My husband and I got married in Feb 2010 and have been trying to conceive since. My periods were normal for the first three months after getting off of my birth control and then they went crazy... bleeding all of the time for almost two months. I've been on progesterone two different times and it's all been very stressful. I also have a three year old step-daughter and we'd love for her to have a sibling sooner than later. The real stressor in our relationship is I'm the only one worried about ever having a biological child. I couldn't ask for a better husband but I also feel very alone and scared when it comes to conceiving a child of our own.
 
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Yvette Smith, MD, MPH replied to An_191579's response:
You are not alone. Many of us are facing your same fears. Men and women often approach these issues very differently and it can be hard when it seems that he doesn't seem as concerned. I wonder if they just express it differently. Sometimes the right answer is to reach out for support from other women. There are support groups for women struggling with conception issues and there are counselors who specialize in these issues. Sometimes friends and family can be helpful but sometimes it can be difficult if they have not had troubles conceiving.

Make sure you are staying in touch with your gynecologist about your bleeding issues. We talk about trying for a year before becoming concerned, but it can feel like an eternity when you're the one trying.

Has anyone else cried when they saw the blood on the tissue that meant another period had started and that you weren't pregnant this month? We're not supposed to admit that we have these feelings, but has anyone else resented hearing that a co-worker just found out she was pregnant? And then the guilt kicks in because we're supposed to be nice and caring and not resentful. And if you say it outloud to your husband, he looks like he can't believe you said that. Or he doesn't get your tears, it will probably happen next month, right? Why would you cry?

It is tough but you are not alone. You do not have to be alone. We can preserve our marriages, our spirits and continue trying to conceive.
 
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NBotelho responded:
Well, I have an aggressive form of endometriosis, compounded by PCOS. I was told by my doctor that I would need to try now, or most likely I will not be able to conceive. My husband and I have been married since May 22, 2010, and I am also in nursing school and not working. My husband wants kids however, he is freaking out about the prospect of starting now. I have stopped BC, with his permission of course. I am scared because my husband just doesn't seem to understand the severity of my medical problems.
 
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Yvette Smith, MD, MPH replied to NBotelho's response:
Has he gone to any of your doctor's appointments with you? Maybe it would help if he could hear your health care provider describe their concerns and your condition. It would also allow him a chance to ask questions. Sometimes it helps if he can hear the information directly.
 
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NBotelho replied to Yvette Smith, MD, MPH's response:
I have offered, but he declined. I was actually able to sit him down and "help" him come up with the conclusion that we need to have kids himself. My doctor actuallty proposed one other solution: that would be surgeries every 3-6 months. Which the cost alone is prohibitive. I told him we could do it his way, but he needs to give me a solution to pain I get every few months. The pain is so severe that is doubles me over and causes vomiting. He gave it some thought, and said that he said that the best solution is to try for a kid now. Thank you though for your help! Now hopefully, I can get pregnant, and that he is fertile too. (He has type-1 diabetes) Wish me me luck!
 
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An_191580 replied to Yvette Smith, MD, MPH's response:
I'm a husband and stumbled on here b/c my wife is a patient of yours. I definitely reacted differently from my wife to our difficulties in conceiving; I think that's just the way it is because we're different, and because I experience the disappointment differently.

This hit home to me after one month where we really felt good (it had been a "productive" month! ;D) and we were anxious as her amazingly (to me) regular cycle came due. I was sad to to point of a tear when she texted to say her period started... But a thought popped into my head: "What a bad way to get bad news!" Not only does she have to deal with that disappointment (if not more), but with blood, pads, cramps, etc.! Like a dirty trick of nature... I don't think I ever quite "got" just what she was feeling, but thinking of it in that way—that she had to go through so much more than me just in learning that news—helped me approach her her as supportively and sympathetically as I was able.
 
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jlhill88 responded:
DH and I have been together about 5 years now. TTC for 16 months. We were officially married earlier this month. I think that this TTC journey has brought us closer together. I mean we did get married after we discovered that IVF is our only option to conceive. DH does get upset each time AF shows as do I. We still have an occasional fight that is stemmed from TTC/infertility. We are TTC with male infertility factor and sometimes DH feels as if he isn't a fulfilled man because he can't get me pregnant naturally. I love him very dearly and I know that we will treasure our LO when we do finally conceive.
 
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cwest2019 replied to jlhill88's response:
Me and my husband have been TTC since Feb 2009. In May 2010 I finally had a positive pg test only to end in a miscarriage. We are trying again, but are experiencing the infertility for unknown reasons again. We have both been tested are both have been given the thumbs up. We do not understand. I am turning 35 in Feb 2011, so the fertility doctor that I have been seeing is freaking out. I was treated by her for 3 months and have decided to take a break and try naturally again for awhile. I think I am starting to get depressed b/c every month when I start my period, I get really upset. If anyone has any advice, please let me know.
 
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Yvette Smith, MD, MPH replied to NBotelho's response:
Absolutely!! Best wishes and here's to hearing great news from you in the near future.
 
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Yvette Smith, MD, MPH replied to An_191580's response:
Thanks for sharing. I so appreciate your willingness to share your thoughts and feelings about this sensitive issue.

You are so right, we really can experience things very differently just because we are different. We grew up in different homes, we have different backgrounds and have had different life experiences. It doesn't make one way right/good and the other way wrong/bad. We are just different.

It takes a bit of work to really reach out and understand another's point of view. But it can make such a difference. And sometimes it means we need acknowledge our own needs and reach out for the support we need.
 
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Yvette Smith, MD, MPH replied to jlhill88's response:
Dfificult times will either make our relationships stronger or weaken them. I don't think anyone gets to just stay the same. It comes back to really watching your relationship and keeping your true goals and beliefs in mind. What happens if we help you get pregnant but destroy your marriage? Will you view that as a success? What will it take to keep the communication open?

It sounds like you guys have done a great job of communicating. It doesn't mean that you'll never disagree or have down moments, but if you have a solid foundation, it can withstand those moments.
 
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Yvette Smith, MD, MPH replied to cwest2019's response:
Have you looked for support groups for couples/people experiencing fertility issues? There are national and local organizations, ask your fertility doctor for guidance if you are not familiar with these organizations. There are also counselors who specialize in working with people who have struggled with infertility, miscarriages and the loss of children.

Unexplained infertility is very frustrating. Not having a name to assign to the problem, a concrete "thing" to blame and to try to correct.

After catching your breath you might want to reconnect with your fertility doctor and talk about options. What are her thoughts about the future. Does she have peers who are trying different approaches than she is using? Your fertility doctor may really be able to help you gain perspecitive.
 
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An_191581 responded:
The desire to have a child is destroying our relationship. When we first married I could not keep my hands off of him. However after 3 years and every month AF visits it destorys me mentally and I cannot take the disappoint of yet again not being able to conceive. I have all but lost the desire to have realtions with him because I cannot handle the disappointment every month. He does not understand and I feel so alone in this. My friends and family tell me just be grateful for the child you already have, but my heart desires another one and I cannot figure out how to overcome the desire.
 
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karina84 responded:
I've been with my husband since I was 18 (I'm 26 now) and have always wanted kids. This year, we decided we were finally ready! We've been TTC now since July and it's already been a roller coaster of emotions. All the women in my family seem to get pregnant without even trying, and I'm young and healthy, so I thought it would be really easy. But it's month four now, and nothing... My period is incredibly regular, always has been, but last month I was late. I was convinced I was pregnant, but multiple pregnancy tests told me I wasn't. I finally got my period nearly a week late. I think I just wished it away because I wanted to be pregnant so badly. My doctor said it's "mind over matter". Needless to say, I was really disappointed, but we kept trying. Yesterday I got my period, again.


My husband has been very nice, but doesn't fully get it. He says it'll be okay, and we just have to be patient, but sometimes I feel myself getting frustrated with him anyway. I love him dearly and I really don't want this to affect our relationship.

I guess I just don't get it. I track my ovulation, and we make sure to "try" for the days leading up to and a few days after my estimated ovulation date. We do everything right. So why aren't I pregnant? I've read all the statistics and logically understand that I have nothing to worry about yet, but I still feel like I'm doing something wrong or that something is wrong with me. This is just a lot harder (and more disappointing) than I thought it'd be.


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