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Unwanted Questions
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Emma_WebMD_Staff posted:
Everyone has an opinion on when a couple should have children. When a couple hasn't had a child after the first few years, others start asking questions. Some of them intrusive, some of them hurtful. />

How do you deal with those unwanted questions?
Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.  -- Winston Churchhill
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jdfan14 responded:
tough one! most are close family and we really want to fill them in on our infertility struggles b/c they do care but we dont want hundreds of follow up questions b/c that just prolongs the conversations about it when we still ache for a child. Part of me just wants to tell everyone, plus I think education about infertility is needed just in general, however we both have decided best to say "we are trying" and leave it at that!!
Me 33 PCOS, DH 36 low motility 1st IVF hoping spring 2011
 
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Emma_WebMD_Staff replied to jdfan14's response:
Hi Jdfan,

I think just leaving it at "we are trying" is a good option. I had some friends who had those parents who just wouldn't stop asking and in the end they had to tell them, it was hurtful. Hopefully the "we are trying" will turn into a very soon! I am hopeful for you anyway!

Good luck!
Emma
Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts. -- Winston Churchhill
 
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jdfan14 replied to Emma_WebMD_Staff's response:
we have told both sets of your parents of our infertility and wishes to try IVF, both sets have been really supportive, they dont ask a lot of questions unless one of us brings in up when looking for support. so very thankful for how they have handeled it. As far as the rest ie aunts, uncles, cousins close friends the 'we are trying' is all that is said! those are the ones who constantly ask, you would think they would get the idea by now..lol!
Me 33 PCOS, DH 36 low motility 1st IVF hoping spring 2011
 
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jlm76 responded:
For me, "we're trying" or "someday" or something along those lines seems to work for inquiring minds. We have told both our parents, and I have one close friend who knows and is an amazing source of support.

What I find hard are the assumptions that I don't want children. I have a number of friends who have chosen not to have children and I think that's great -- but they assume that I've made that choice too.

The worst was "Have you always known you didn't want children?" from my hair stylist, while I still recovering from my miscarriage. In that case, I just mumbled something along the lines of "we haven't ruled anything out!" and tried to smile.
Jen (39), DH (36), plus one spoiled black lab (8). MC 6/10; IUI 1/11 - BFN; IVF converted to IUI 3/11.
 
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Emma_WebMD_Staff replied to jlm76's response:
Hi Jen,

I think everyone has great intentions but just don't get the troubles others have. I am so sorry you were hurt by your hair stylist. I think it's true people assume those without children have made that choice rather than that they are doing all they can to have children.

Hang in there and thank you for sharing your story! BTW did you know, since I see that you have a furbaby that we have a great Pet's Community . Just incase you wanted to spread your wings a bit . Just don't forget to come back, those pet boards can get a little addicting!

Take care,
Emma
Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts. -- Winston Churchhill
 
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codysu replied to jlm76's response:
I actually had a friend of mine who I hadn't talked to in a long time text me and ask "have you decided that you want kids yet?" As if making that decision and *poof* there is your baby?!? She isn't aware of our struggles. We told our parents and siblings and a few close friends that we were doing IVF last year. DH wanted to tell the world we were pregnant, and I kept getting on to him to not tell too many just in case. When we had the miscarriage, it was really hard to be social and see people because I didn't want to talk about it to anybody, I was so upset. So now, we just tell people we are trying, and none of our friends or family knows the procedures we are going through. It is nice to have the support, but then you get too many intrusive questions. So I think "we are trying" works for us too.
Cody (37) DH (45), IVF 1 11/10, M/C 12/10, IUI 2/11-BFN, IUI 3/11-BFN, IUI 4/11, FX!
 
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mosleyd36 responded:
I'm extremely open about it so I don't usually get a lot of unwanted questions (sometimes people are so though). If you have to spend more than 30 minutes with me during the day, you will probably find out that we have fertility issues. When someone asks me a question about kids, I just say we would love to but it hasn't worked out yet. Then they are curious and ask questions and they have a deeper understanding about what I am going through. I understand it's a very private thing for some but it is very therapeutic for me to be open, honest, and to educate people because seriously, before going through all of this, I had no clue either.

I think it is rude to make assumptions about anyone without kids but I love being honest about when we get those not so nice comments/questions. "When are you going to stop messing around and have kids?" I reply..."when my husband's sperm miraculously start working!". I have a little harder time being open with those kind of people. I have had assumptions made that I am too career oriented and putting off kids. That hurts a little. I also hate the.."so, do you have any kids?" question, because I obviously reply, "no, no kids yet". Then comments like, "oh, you are so lucky" or "you are so smart to wait as long as you can". Those sting too and I try not to be offended because they have no idea what they are saying.
Danielle (29) DH (31)...TTC since July '08. MFIF-low morph, low count. IVF/ICSI 1 Aug/Sep '10...BFN. IVF/ICSI 2...probably not for a while.
 
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AprilCB responded:
I always said "I'm married with dogs, why do I need children?"
Cherie (36), DH (38), TTC 5 yrs. 3 IUIs all BFN. 1st IVF ER 6/6/10 ET 6/11/10 BFN. FET 9/28/10, BFP, MC'd 10/25/10. 2nd IVF ER 2/8/11 ET 2/11/11 1st beta = 140 2nd = 384 1st US 3/15/11
 
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AprilCB replied to mosleyd36's response:
Danielle, my DH and I have been married for 16 years and together for 21 years and because we don't have kids everyone assumes we don't like kids and we don't want kids. While it kind of ticked us off that they made that assumption, we actually thought it funny they would make that assumption because there was nothing about us that suggested we don't like kids. It was also fine with us that they made that assumption, because it kept them from asking us the intrusive questions. They are going to be SHOCKED when they find out I'm PG. But, we're expecting all the intrusive questions/comments to come (why did you wait so long? It's about time! etc) We're not looking forward to that part.
Cherie (36), DH (38), TTC 5 yrs. 3 IUIs all BFN. 1st IVF ER 6/6/10 ET 6/11/10 BFN. FET 9/28/10, BFP, MC'd 10/25/10. 2nd IVF ER 2/8/11 ET 2/11/11 1st beta = 140 2nd = 384 1st US 3/15/11
 
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codysu replied to mosleyd36's response:
Danielle that is great you are so open about it. I actually found out last week that a co-worker is also struggling with IF. I asked the questions that I hate being asked, but I just had a hunch that there was something more that I didn't know. Turns out my hunch was right, and we had a nice long chat and it was refreshing to know somebody who understands what I am going through. So, thanks for encouraging me to open up, I think it will be great that we can now support each other.
Cody (37) DH (45), IVF 1 11/10, M/C 12/10, IUI 2/11-BFN, IUI 3/11-BFN, IUI 4/11, FX!


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