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To Tell, or Not to Tell -- Dating with Lupus
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Christine Miserandino posted:
Normally, when preparing for a hot date you are worrying about what to wear, or hoping to make a good impression. However, when I was dating, I had to worry if my pocketbook was big enough to hold my pill box! It might sound strange for me to be concerned about carrying a tote bag instead of a cute little purse. But hey, that image is funny -- we all need to have a sense of humor!

The truth is, on a first date, I worried about how I was going to take or hide my medication. I also worried about canceling plans at the last minute due to my health. Although I didn't want to lie, I also didn't want to blurt out that I had lupus when I was on a first date.

I feel that lupus does not define who I am. I didn't want my diagnosis to detract from my personality. I usually decided that along with politics, religion and other "no-no" topics, my medical situation would be off-limits for the first few dates. If, after a little while, we decided not to continue the relationship, there was no issue. I did not already share my personal health information with someone who was not going to stay in my life.

I could probably write a humorous novel about lupus dating horror stories! It's not always easy to explain that the faint smell of eucalyptus on your skin is not from a new perfume, but instead it's from the heat rub cream used for your muscle aches!

What is the dating world like for you? Don't be shy. Share your tips, funny stories, and the drama relating to dating and lupus with the community!
- Christine Miserandino
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Lupylisa44 responded:
When I was dating, the words "I have lupus" were usually during the first conversation and before the first date. I figured, if he can't deal with it, better to find out right out of the gate.

Up to this point it has never stopped any guy from wanting to date me. I've dated from age 16 until I was 35, so I have lots of experience!!! I got married, then divorced after 7 years. I had to started dating again and had more offers to date than I could handle. I was divorced all of 3 months when I met the love of my life we were engaged j4 months into our relationship and are still very happy 5 years later. Whenever I get sick he says "I will always be here for you, no matter what happens!!!" I consider myself very lucky to have him in my life!


Lupylisa
With love, with patience and with faith, we'll make our way.
 
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sarah020581 responded:
My dating history since I was diagnosed with Lupus has been eventful. The worst experience I had was 3 years after I was diagnosed. I had been dating a guy for a month. I had thought about telling him multiple times I had Lupus. I finally told him when I was hospitalized with renal failure. He instantly said the he could date me, because he was scarred he would get Lupus from me. His comment upset me so bad. I could not believe he thought I could give Lupus to him or that I caught Lupus from another person.

I have had guys tell me that they would not date me because they were scarred I would die or that I would become disabled. After all of the bad dates, I am now married to the most wonderful man on earth. We are now pregnant with twins that are due 10/2011.
 
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Christine Miserandino replied to sarah020581's response:
HI Lisa and Sarah,

I love stories like yours that show that there are happy endings. Congrats on the twins! Keep us posted!

Let's face facts, sometimes there are bad dates and bad people out there with or without Lupus. I think sometimes we are so quick to blame our lupus for bad experiences in the romantic department. I do think if we started a bad date forum, it would be packed with men and women who have horror stories!

Also remember, like in the Lupus and Dating video on WebMD community TV we talk about how everyone comes with their own baggage in relationships. You might be coming into a relationship with lupus, but who knows what the other person is bringing to the table? It could be another illness, debt, family secrets... who knows! relationshsips are hard all on their own, with or without lupus!

The most important thing about dating and lupus is to have fun! If your not having fun, then why date!

Love and Spoons ,
Christine
 
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fnplee replied to Christine Miserandino's response:
Be honest. My date appreciated the honesty and I didnt run him off at all. He has been terrific when it comes to dealing with my Lupus. He wants to learn all there is to help me with my medications, treatments and goes to all doctor appts. with me. I told him on the first date.......he asked about health problems, I couldnt lie.
 
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Anon_143178 replied to fnplee's response:
Hi!

As I re-watched the dating video I remembered some of the scenes that didn't make the final "cut" of the video. One of the conversations we had was how you kinda can't decide how you will react or how you will treat the "lupus" subject in advance of a date. Just like every date is different, every person is different. If you are having great conversation, and everything is flowing naturally, youmight decide to tell the other person you have lupus as a part of that honest conversation. If the date is a dud, you may decide it is not worth your time, energy or emotion to share with that person. Every circumstance is different, just like each "vibe" is different on a date.

Use this thread and video topic to think about what works for you, but always stay open to what feels right in the moment with each person you meet in each situation!

Do what works for you!

Love and Spoons ,

Christine
 
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Christine Miserandino replied to fnplee's response:
Hi!

As I re-watched the dating video I remembered some of the scenes that didn't make the final "cut" of the video. One of the conversations we had was how you kinda can't decide how you will react or how you will treat the "lupus" subject in advance of a date. Just like every date is different, every person is different. If you are having great conversation, and everything is flowing naturally, youmight decide to tell the other person you have lupus as a part of that honest conversation. If the date is a dud, you may decide it is not worth your time, energy or emotion to share with that person. Every circumstance is different, just like each "vibe" is different on a date.

Use this thread and video topic to think about what works for you, but always stay open to what feels right in the moment with each person you meet in each situation!

Do what works for you!

Love and Spoons ,

Christine


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