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An unusual question on male infertility, really need help, thanks so much!
An_246454 posted:
Dear Doctor and Friends, I have an unusual question, and I thank you all ahead of time for your understanding. I come from a very conservative family background. My parents pretty much decide whom I would marry and I work for them since we have a family business. My wife was kind of chosen by my parents and we got married. My wife's role, according to my parents, is basically to have kids so there will be heirs to the family business and money. We have tried for some time to have kids and she wasn't pregnant, so we went to the doctors and we have found out that she can't get pregnant. I have grown to love her, and I was educated in the US, and I believe that marriage is not only about kids, it's about sharing a life with the one that you love. I am afraid to tell my parents that she can't have children, because even though they probably won't ask me to divorce her, but I am pretty sure that my wife will have a very hard time during family gatherings, and our family get together all the time since we all work together for the family company. I feel bad for my wife, because she has a gentle and quiet personality, and I don't want to see her bullied and since I haven't taken over the family business, I cannot stand up to my parents these days. So I think what I would like to do is to protect my wife and tell my parents that the reason we can't have children is because I have male infertility problems, then since my wife and I have talked about adoption, I will bring up the topic of adoption to my parents. But I don't know how I can go about "proving" my male infertility? My parents have pretty dominant personalities, and I think I would like to show them a report from a hospital. Can I, for example, have my sperm tested, but after I give my sperm, do something to destroy the mobility of the sperm by, I don't know, bring a lighter and heat up my sperm sample? I have no idea how to go about doing this. Any medical advice would be appreciated. I realize that this is an unusual question, so I thank you all for your understanding, I know that a part of my life is kind of messed up right now, but this is the only solution that I can think of. Thanks again and I hope to hear from you soon! Chi
amyaalc responded:
Thanks for sharing your story.

You should just let them know that you and your wife have infertility and have been trying to achieve pregnancy which has not been successful. It can become a blame game on who's the specific problem but in the world of infertility is can often be a male and female combination factor. I've also heard stories of women told they could not have children and years later it happens so never give up but don't stress on it.

I would not worry about proving anything to your family. I think letting them know you are trying and doctors are concerned with infertility as a "couple" should be enough information. Tampering with your sample is going above and beyond and why head down that road. Who knows you might have some issues after an analysis that you did not know. If everything comes back normal just don't give them that information. Medical records are private and only you and your doctor should share that information.

Adoption is a wonderful thing. Move ahead as you and your wife feel comfortable and your family will grow to accept the situation and hopefully they understand that it is only hardest on the couple involved.

Best wishes!

Amy Perkins, MS, TS (ABB)
Laboratory Supervisor
Arizona Andrology Laboratory & Cryobank
International Center for Vasectomy Reversal

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