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No sex drive, no help from drs
a2zebra posted:
Hi all! I am a 23 year old female, married now 3 years. I have been suffering (and boy, do I mean suffering!) from a low libido for at least a year. I would say that over the past 3 or 4 years, my sexual appetite diminished. When my husband and I first met, we had sex at least once a day. When we started living together 2 years later it was maybe 3 nights a week at the least. I have been taking the supplement LibidoMax and it's helped with my sexual response (I now have lubrication when we have sex). But I still don't think about sex or actively want it. I grit my teeth and just get through it. We had sex a few weeks ago and I just stared at the wall the whole time, even when he was gving me oral sex! My husband doesn't pressure me too much, but it still drives me crazy that I'm 23 and have no interest in sex, fantasies about sex or any pleasant feelings during sex. My doctor doesn't think there's anything physically wrong at this time (I have previously had endometriosis, but surgery last year was sucessful). He did put me on Zoloft thinking that depression was causing my low sex drive, but it hasn't helped my sex drive at all. I just had my thyroid checked and my levels are fine. I'm tired of seeing my husband feel like he's being rejected by the only woman he can have. I have HPV, too, so it's not like he can go anywhere else for sex. I've been working out regularly for a month now, and it's not helping my sex drive either. I take a multivitamin daily. I've been trying to take better care of myself, like dressing better, shaving more regularly and the like. I feel like there is nothing I can do to feel again. I need all the help I can get! This is weighing on me more and more each day I wake up next to a man whose hands graze my body and I just slap his hands away when he gets to my nether regions or my breasts. I feel hopeless at ever getting my sex life back. Things just keep getting worse. Please help.
8 Replies |Watch This Discussion | Report This| Share this:No sex drive, no help from drsHi all! I am a 23 year old female, married now 3 years. I have been suffering (and boy, do I mean suffering!) from a low libido for at least a year. I would say that over the past 3 or 4 years, my sexual appetite diminished. When my husband and I first met, we had sex at least once a day. When we started living together 2 years later it was maybe 3 nights a week at the least. I have been taking the supplement LibidoMax and it's helped with my sexual response (I now have lubrication when we have sex). But I still don't think about sex or actively want it. I grit my teeth and just get through it. We had sex a few weeks ago and I just stared at the wall the whole time, even when he was gving me oral sex! My husband doesn't pressure me too much, but it still drives me crazy that I'm 23 and have no interest in sex, fantasies about sex or any pleasant feelings during sex. My doctor doesn't think there's anything physically wrong at this time (I have previously had endometriosis, but surgery last year was sucessful). He did put me on Zoloft thinking that depression was causing my low sex drive, but it hasn't helped my sex drive at all. I just had my thyroid checked and my levels are fine. I'm tired of seeing my husband feel like he's being rejected by the only woman he can have. I have HPV, too, so it's not like he can go anywhere else for sex. I've been working out regularly for a month now, and it's not helping my sex drive either. I take a multivitamin daily. I've been trying to take better care of myself, like dressing better, shaving more regularly and the like. I feel like there is nothing I can do to feel again. I need all the help I can get! This is weighing on me more and more each day I wake up next to a man whose hands graze my body and I just slap his hands away when he gets to my nether regions or my breasts. I feel hopeless at ever getting my sex life back. Things just keep getting worse. Please help.
4Watermonkeys responded:
Since this board doesn't get visited by many, it may be more helpful to post over on the women's health board - I can't remember which specific exchange, but there is one that is WebMD moderated and has a medical professional, Jane, that answers questions like this.
Okay, so that aside! I'm curious as to if you're still taking the Zoloft. Zoloft has actually been a big culprit in decreasing libido for some - it may just not be the right med for you. Please discuss that with your doctor to see if there are other options.
Since you have a history of endometriosis, has your doctor tested your hormone levels to be sure that your body isn't inching towards the process of menopause (the "pre" stage of menopause starts a lot earlier than many women think! :(). That could also explain the low libido.
As far as HPV, are you being treated for it, and is there a chance that the treatment has side-effects of low libido?
Other than that, to be honest, it sounds like there's "too many cooks in the kitchen" - in other words, you're trying too many things at the same time. I realize that it's extremely frustrating, but do you feel that if you weren't faced with the anxiety, frustration, and expecations (from yourself) in regard to this that you'd be able to take a step back (anxiety plays a large role in libido)?
Just a few thoughts - hopefully something will steer you in the right direction.
Okay, so that aside! I'm curious as to if you're still taking the Zoloft. Zoloft has actually been a big culprit in decreasing libido for some - it may just not be the right med for you. Please discuss that with your doctor to see if there are other options.
Since you have a history of endometriosis, has your doctor tested your hormone levels to be sure that your body isn't inching towards the process of menopause (the "pre" stage of menopause starts a lot earlier than many women think! :(). That could also explain the low libido.
As far as HPV, are you being treated for it, and is there a chance that the treatment has side-effects of low libido?
Other than that, to be honest, it sounds like there's "too many cooks in the kitchen" - in other words, you're trying too many things at the same time. I realize that it's extremely frustrating, but do you feel that if you weren't faced with the anxiety, frustration, and expecations (from yourself) in regard to this that you'd be able to take a step back (anxiety plays a large role in libido)?
Just a few thoughts - hopefully something will steer you in the right direction.
Report This| Share this:No sex drive, no help from drsSince this board doesn't get visited by many, it may be more helpful to post over on the women's health board - I can't remember which specific exchange, but there is one that is WebMD moderated and has a medical professional, Jane, that answers questions like this.<br /> <br />Okay, so that aside! I'm curious as to if you're still taking the Zoloft. Zoloft has actually been a big culprit in decreasing libido for some - it may just not be the right med for you. Please discuss that with your doctor to see if there are other options.<br /> <br />Since you have a history of endometriosis, has your doctor tested your hormone levels to be sure that your body isn't inching towards the process of menopause (the "pre" stage of menopause starts a lot earlier than many women think! :(). That could also explain the low libido.<br /> <br />As far as HPV, are you being treated for it, and is there a chance that the treatment has side-effects of low libido?<br /> <br />Other than that, to be honest, it sounds like there's "too many cooks in the kitchen" - in other words, you're trying too many things at the same time. I realize that it's extremely frustrating, but do you feel that if you weren't faced with the anxiety, frustration, and expecations (from yourself) in regard to this that you'd be able to take a step back (anxiety plays a large role in libido)?<br /> <br />Just a few thoughts - hopefully something will steer you in the right direction.
a2zebra replied to 4Watermonkeys's response:
First, I have posted this on many of the WebMD boards, not much help. They have suggested I go to a specialist, but I don't really have anywhere else to go. I've seen my OB/GYN and all he tells me is to look forward to when I'm in my forties and my husband doesn't want sex and I do. That doesn't solve anything. In the meantime, I have a hormonally-raging 23 year old husband who keeps me up at night with wandering hands and I am constantly slapping his fingers away from my nether regions.
And the Zoloft. I am still taking it because it's helped me see my life clearer. Believe it or not, it was my OB/GYN who prescribed the Zoloft thinking my libido problems were due to depression, and I can't argue that, I'm sure hating my existance doesn't help. But neither does the Zoloft (at least with my libido).
Nobody has tested my hormone levels. It frustrates me to no end that no doctor seems to care about my issues! I had to beg my family doctor whom I just started seeing last month to run a cholesterol check and a thyroid panel. Both were normal. What hormones should I have checked, do you think?
The only treatment for the HPV is to use acid to burn the warts off as they appear. Yes, the pain the acid causes is damaging to anybody's esteem, let alone sex drive. But I haven't had an outbreak in a while, so that really isn't causing it. And this has been an issue since before I started having outbreaks.
And yes, if I could relax about sex, maybe I could have a good time. But I don't know how. Sex is scary nowadays. It caused me excruciating pain when I suffered through endo. It caused me to get HPV and suffer the humiliation of never being able to have sex with anyone else. I've been raped twice. My husband isn't the kindest person lately and I hold onto the cruel words and the cruel actions. I just stare at the wall and lay there. I don't let him touch me or give me oral. I never get on top because he hates it when I'm not into it. I feel like I'm never going to be "into" it.
And the Zoloft. I am still taking it because it's helped me see my life clearer. Believe it or not, it was my OB/GYN who prescribed the Zoloft thinking my libido problems were due to depression, and I can't argue that, I'm sure hating my existance doesn't help. But neither does the Zoloft (at least with my libido).
Nobody has tested my hormone levels. It frustrates me to no end that no doctor seems to care about my issues! I had to beg my family doctor whom I just started seeing last month to run a cholesterol check and a thyroid panel. Both were normal. What hormones should I have checked, do you think?
The only treatment for the HPV is to use acid to burn the warts off as they appear. Yes, the pain the acid causes is damaging to anybody's esteem, let alone sex drive. But I haven't had an outbreak in a while, so that really isn't causing it. And this has been an issue since before I started having outbreaks.
And yes, if I could relax about sex, maybe I could have a good time. But I don't know how. Sex is scary nowadays. It caused me excruciating pain when I suffered through endo. It caused me to get HPV and suffer the humiliation of never being able to have sex with anyone else. I've been raped twice. My husband isn't the kindest person lately and I hold onto the cruel words and the cruel actions. I just stare at the wall and lay there. I don't let him touch me or give me oral. I never get on top because he hates it when I'm not into it. I feel like I'm never going to be "into" it.
Report This| Share this:No sex drive, no help from drsFirst, I have posted this on many of the WebMD boards, not much help. They have suggested I go to a specialist, but I don't really have anywhere else to go. I've seen my OB/GYN and all he tells me is to look forward to when I'm in my forties and my husband doesn't want sex and I do. That doesn't solve anything. In the meantime, I have a hormonally-raging 23 year old husband who keeps me up at night with wandering hands and I am constantly slapping his fingers away from my nether regions.<br /> <br />And the Zoloft. I am still taking it because it's helped me see my life clearer. Believe it or not, it was my OB/GYN who prescribed the Zoloft thinking my libido problems were due to depression, and I can't argue that, I'm sure hating my existance doesn't help. But neither does the Zoloft (at least with my libido).<br /> <br />Nobody has tested my hormone levels. It frustrates me to no end that no doctor seems to care about my issues! I had to beg my family doctor whom I just started seeing last month to run a cholesterol check and a thyroid panel. Both were normal. What hormones should I have checked, do you think?<br /> <br />The only treatment for the HPV is to use acid to burn the warts off as they appear. Yes, the pain the acid causes is damaging to anybody's esteem, let alone sex drive. But I haven't had an outbreak in a while, so that really isn't causing it. And this has been an issue since before I started having outbreaks.<br /> <br />And yes, if I could relax about sex, maybe I could have a good time. But I don't know how. Sex is scary nowadays. It caused me excruciating pain when I suffered through endo. It caused me to get HPV and suffer the humiliation of never being able to have sex with anyone else. I've been raped twice. My husband isn't the kindest person lately and I hold onto the cruel words and the cruel actions. I just stare at the wall and lay there. I don't let him touch me or give me oral. I never get on top because he hates it when I'm not into it. I feel like I'm never going to be "into" it.
4Watermonkeys replied to a2zebra's response:
I'm sorry to hear that you're dealing with so much and not getting much help or information. Personally, I think your first step is to "lay down the law" with your current OB/GYN - make it clear what your expecations are (what symptoms you want diagnosed, treated, and resolved). Ask him point blank if he is willing to address those issues rather than brushing you off - if he's not interested, get a second opinion. At that point I would ask him, or the new doctor, if Zoloft is the best medication for you at this time, or if it is contributing to your symptoms.
As far as testing your hormone levels, I'm not sure if an OB/GYN or an endocrinologist would be the best to see - I think an endocrinologist would have a broader picture, so it may be a good idea to ask your doctr to refer you to one.
Finally, have you had the opportunity to work with a therapist on the issues you're dealing with? You deserve a heck of a lot better than what you're dealing with, and realistically there's no magic pill out there that can change that for you - a good therapist can help get you going in the right direction to help with insight, well-being, assertiveness, and self-esteem.
As far as testing your hormone levels, I'm not sure if an OB/GYN or an endocrinologist would be the best to see - I think an endocrinologist would have a broader picture, so it may be a good idea to ask your doctr to refer you to one.
Finally, have you had the opportunity to work with a therapist on the issues you're dealing with? You deserve a heck of a lot better than what you're dealing with, and realistically there's no magic pill out there that can change that for you - a good therapist can help get you going in the right direction to help with insight, well-being, assertiveness, and self-esteem.
Report This| Share this:No sex drive, no help from drsI'm sorry to hear that you're dealing with so much and not getting much help or information. Personally, I think your first step is to "lay down the law" with your current OB/GYN - make it clear what your expecations are (what symptoms you want diagnosed, treated, and resolved). Ask him point blank if he is willing to address those issues rather than brushing you off - if he's not interested, get a second opinion. At that point I would ask him, or the new doctor, if Zoloft is the best medication for you at this time, or if it is contributing to your symptoms.<br /> <br />As far as testing your hormone levels, I'm not sure if an OB/GYN or an endocrinologist would be the best to see - I think an endocrinologist would have a broader picture, so it may be a good idea to ask your doctr to refer you to one.<br /> <br />Finally, have you had the opportunity to work with a therapist on the issues you're dealing with? You deserve a heck of a lot better than what you're dealing with, and realistically there's no magic pill out there that can change that for you - a good therapist can help get you going in the right direction to help with insight, well-being, assertiveness, and self-esteem.
4Watermonkeys replied to 4Watermonkeys's response:
Sorry, I forgot to add another thought. In regard to libido, since you mentioned a history of sexual assault, is there a chance that the low libido is actually a symptom of dissociation? It's unfortunately common in cases where sexual assault has occured in the past. All the more reason to see a therapist and be evaluated from that standpoint.
Good luck, and take care.
Good luck, and take care.
Report This| Share this:No sex drive, no help from drsSorry, I forgot to add another thought. In regard to libido, since you mentioned a history of sexual assault, is there a chance that the low libido is actually a symptom of dissociation? It's unfortunately common in cases where sexual assault has occured in the past. All the more reason to see a therapist and be evaluated from that standpoint. <br /> <br />Good luck, and take care.
a2zebra replied to 4Watermonkeys's response:
Maybe it's just bad luck, but I've been in and out of therapy since the age of about 14. My husband doesn't like the idea of me going back because "it never changes anything." My last therapist thought that the best solution was to leave my husband, basically telling me that marriage means nothing.
And dissociation, sure. Why would I want to "associate" after all I've been through? I have no friends. I can't talk to my husband because he's sick of my pessimism when in all honestly, I'm just discussing my reality. If I keep trying to talk to my husband, he gets physically angry (and I have flashbacks of his anger every day). When I'm bored, I call my mom. The more I think of that, the sadder I get. I don't even know why I call my mom. She's not supportive, she's even more of a naysayer than I am.
I've already decided to call my doctor to discuss changing my Zoloft. I've heard good things about Wellbutrin for people with libido problems. While I talk to him about that, I'll see if he'll look more into my hormone levels or if he would want me to see an endocrinologist.
And dissociation, sure. Why would I want to "associate" after all I've been through? I have no friends. I can't talk to my husband because he's sick of my pessimism when in all honestly, I'm just discussing my reality. If I keep trying to talk to my husband, he gets physically angry (and I have flashbacks of his anger every day). When I'm bored, I call my mom. The more I think of that, the sadder I get. I don't even know why I call my mom. She's not supportive, she's even more of a naysayer than I am.
I've already decided to call my doctor to discuss changing my Zoloft. I've heard good things about Wellbutrin for people with libido problems. While I talk to him about that, I'll see if he'll look more into my hormone levels or if he would want me to see an endocrinologist.
Report This| Share this:No sex drive, no help from drsMaybe it's just bad luck, but I've been in and out of therapy since the age of about 14. My husband doesn't like the idea of me going back because "it never changes anything." My last therapist thought that the best solution was to leave my husband, basically telling me that marriage means nothing.<br /> <br />And dissociation, sure. Why would I want to "associate" after all I've been through? I have no friends. I can't talk to my husband because he's sick of my pessimism when in all honestly, I'm just discussing my reality. If I keep trying to talk to my husband, he gets physically angry (and I have flashbacks of his anger every day). When I'm bored, I call my mom. The more I think of that, the sadder I get. I don't even know why I call my mom. She's not supportive, she's even more of a naysayer than I am. <br /> <br />I've already decided to call my doctor to discuss changing my Zoloft. I've heard good things about Wellbutrin for people with libido problems. While I talk to him about that, I'll see if he'll look more into my hormone levels or if he would want me to see an endocrinologist.
4Watermonkeys replied to a2zebra's response:
I'm glad to hear that you will be calling your doctor to discuss the medication issue and that you will also ask about hormone levels - these tests can be really specific in regard to what time of day and menstrual cycle to be done, so be sure that your doctor is ordering the tests at the appropriate time.
Please also consider seeing a psychologist or mental health clinician that can diagnose. Research shows a strong correlation between childhood physical and sexual abuse to dissociation. There are many facets to dissociation which makes it easy to go undiagnosed - it also has a way of staying under the radar, so to speak, in regard to being recognized as an underlying issue. If you get a chance, google "dissociation" to see the variety of symptoms (you'll probably have to check several sites to get a broad picture of the disorder) and see if any of it applies to you. Some people mistakenly take the "all or nothing" approach when it comes to dissociation, thinking that they only meet a few of the criteria for it therefore it's not an issue when really only a small amount of the criteria has to apply to be diagnosed.
Finally, if you do decide to get back into therapy, there's nothing wrong with "sampling" therapists, so to speak. As therapists, we do this all the time - patients come for a free initial consult to see if there's a good rapport, if we can relate to each other, and if personalities mix well. Perhaps your husband would be more supportive if he were to accompany you to a few initial consults - that way, he plays a role in the selection of your therapist and is more aware of how serious this is to you.
Again, I'm glad that you will be addressing your concerns with your doctor, please keep us posted - you're in our thoughts and prayers.
Please also consider seeing a psychologist or mental health clinician that can diagnose. Research shows a strong correlation between childhood physical and sexual abuse to dissociation. There are many facets to dissociation which makes it easy to go undiagnosed - it also has a way of staying under the radar, so to speak, in regard to being recognized as an underlying issue. If you get a chance, google "dissociation" to see the variety of symptoms (you'll probably have to check several sites to get a broad picture of the disorder) and see if any of it applies to you. Some people mistakenly take the "all or nothing" approach when it comes to dissociation, thinking that they only meet a few of the criteria for it therefore it's not an issue when really only a small amount of the criteria has to apply to be diagnosed.
Finally, if you do decide to get back into therapy, there's nothing wrong with "sampling" therapists, so to speak. As therapists, we do this all the time - patients come for a free initial consult to see if there's a good rapport, if we can relate to each other, and if personalities mix well. Perhaps your husband would be more supportive if he were to accompany you to a few initial consults - that way, he plays a role in the selection of your therapist and is more aware of how serious this is to you.
Again, I'm glad that you will be addressing your concerns with your doctor, please keep us posted - you're in our thoughts and prayers.
Report This| Share this:No sex drive, no help from drsI'm glad to hear that you will be calling your doctor to discuss the medication issue and that you will also ask about hormone levels - these tests can be really specific in regard to what time of day and menstrual cycle to be done, so be sure that your doctor is ordering the tests at the appropriate time.<br /> <br />Please also consider seeing a psychologist or mental health clinician that can diagnose. Research shows a strong correlation between childhood physical and sexual abuse to dissociation. There are many facets to dissociation which makes it easy to go undiagnosed - it also has a way of staying under the radar, so to speak, in regard to being recognized as an underlying issue. If you get a chance, google "dissociation" to see the variety of symptoms (you'll probably have to check several sites to get a broad picture of the disorder) and see if any of it applies to you. Some people mistakenly take the "all or nothing" approach when it comes to dissociation, thinking that they only meet a few of the criteria for it therefore it's not an issue when really only a small amount of the criteria has to apply to be diagnosed.<br /> <br />Finally, if you do decide to get back into therapy, there's nothing wrong with "sampling" therapists, so to speak. As therapists, we do this all the time - patients come for a free initial consult to see if there's a good rapport, if we can relate to each other, and if personalities mix well. Perhaps your husband would be more supportive if he were to accompany you to a few initial consults - that way, he plays a role in the selection of your therapist and is more aware of how serious this is to you. <br /> <br />Again, I'm glad that you will be addressing your concerns with your doctor, please keep us posted - you're in our thoughts and prayers.
An_206024 replied to 4Watermonkeys's response:
Sorry to interrupt but just out of curiosity, what would you suggest as a good medication for libido increase?
@a2zebra maybe you and your husband need to talk about some of the things you like to do before and during sex, that sometimes help.
@a2zebra maybe you and your husband need to talk about some of the things you like to do before and during sex, that sometimes help.
Report This| Share this:No sex drive, no help from drsSorry to interrupt but just out of curiosity, what would you suggest as a good medication for libido increase? <br />@a2zebra maybe you and your husband need to talk about some of the things you like to do before and during sex, that sometimes help.
zymyn responded:
I've been through exactly what you're going through...Having had sexual pain (both emotional and physical) at an earlier point in your life can also be a major cause of loss of sex drive. Then add your current meds to that, and boy...you're facing an uphill battle. Trust me, I've been there.
I STILL don't have sex as often as I used to, and you may never get "all" of your sex-drive back- -keep in mind that drive seems to lessen w/age, to a certain extent as well- -but there are some things you CAN do to help yourself.
1)Find a better form of therapy. When any therapist suggests leaving someone you love as a "cure" for your issues, its time to find a better therapist. Maybe- -if you're not too shy- -a support group might be more helpful to you. You need to find a way to stop associating sex w/"bad" or "pain", and even just stopping that association (w/out necessarily changing the association to sex="good" or "pleasure") might be a good first stepping stone. Later, as you move on, you can learn to associate sex w/better things, right?
2)Take some time to learn what feels good to you now. Chemicals, illness, and a learned negative response can dramatically affect/change your sexual response. Lots of things can, actually. It may well be that "what used to get you off" no longer does. And the stress of repeated "bad" sexual experiences certainly doesn't help. Take some time- -most likely alone-time, at first- -to practice on yourself. Do things that make you feel sexy, find out what feels good, and worry only about relaxing and enjoying. Do what feels good to YOU (regardless of what other people think is correct, sexy, or appropriate) and only do it for as long as you want or need. If something doesn't feel good, back off, slow down, or try something else. It doesn't need to be so much about orgasm (altho', if you have one, you get bonus points, right?) as about just relearning your own needs/moves/comfort zones. As long as you aren't harming others, or landing in jail (LOL), anything goes! And even if worst comes to worst, you'll still have fun and learn something, right?
3)Talk to your husband. A lot of his stress can most likely be alleviated if you explain to him how much you love him (obviously, you love him enuff' to work on something that doesn't feel good, right?) and that you are working on the issue. Ask for his help, he is your partner, after all. Once you know what makes you feel good, let him know it, too. Guys aren't mindreaders. Sex doesn't necessarily mean you have to have "intercourse until orgasm" each time, and a good partner will be willing to work w/you, and to stop (in a loving and supportive way) if sexual play begins to feel uncomfortable to you. Once you're comfortable pleasuring yourself, take some time, time free of any expectations, to learn what HE can do that is pleasurable for YOU, and what YOU can do that is pleasurable for HIM. Often when a person is having sexual issues, we forget that sexplay is just that: PLAY. As a child, we play w/out certain expectations. We play tag to "win", but we don't go out there thinking "I'm going play tag, and I HAVE TO find it enjoyable." No, as a kid, you just play, and if play isn't fun, you find something else or some other way to play.
4)Don't set goals you don't want or can't reasonably/comfortably expect to meet. If all sex is off-putting to you right now, perhaps setting a goal of "just spooning tonight" is more reasonable than "We're both going to come, even if it kills us!" Do you want to orgasm, or just to feel pleasure? Is quantity more important to you, or quality? Sometimes the thought of having wild, screaming, monkey-love can seem absolutely exhausting. Be willing to put "passable limits" on your play, w/yourself and with your partner. (Ie: "Right now, I'm only wanting to go as far as X, but that may change, once I/we get to X! )
Take yr time, & remember, its not the end of the world. Sex is about love & pleasure, which you can have w/out sex. Be happy!
I STILL don't have sex as often as I used to, and you may never get "all" of your sex-drive back- -keep in mind that drive seems to lessen w/age, to a certain extent as well- -but there are some things you CAN do to help yourself.
1)Find a better form of therapy. When any therapist suggests leaving someone you love as a "cure" for your issues, its time to find a better therapist. Maybe- -if you're not too shy- -a support group might be more helpful to you. You need to find a way to stop associating sex w/"bad" or "pain", and even just stopping that association (w/out necessarily changing the association to sex="good" or "pleasure") might be a good first stepping stone. Later, as you move on, you can learn to associate sex w/better things, right?
2)Take some time to learn what feels good to you now. Chemicals, illness, and a learned negative response can dramatically affect/change your sexual response. Lots of things can, actually. It may well be that "what used to get you off" no longer does. And the stress of repeated "bad" sexual experiences certainly doesn't help. Take some time- -most likely alone-time, at first- -to practice on yourself. Do things that make you feel sexy, find out what feels good, and worry only about relaxing and enjoying. Do what feels good to YOU (regardless of what other people think is correct, sexy, or appropriate) and only do it for as long as you want or need. If something doesn't feel good, back off, slow down, or try something else. It doesn't need to be so much about orgasm (altho', if you have one, you get bonus points, right?) as about just relearning your own needs/moves/comfort zones. As long as you aren't harming others, or landing in jail (LOL), anything goes! And even if worst comes to worst, you'll still have fun and learn something, right?
3)Talk to your husband. A lot of his stress can most likely be alleviated if you explain to him how much you love him (obviously, you love him enuff' to work on something that doesn't feel good, right?) and that you are working on the issue. Ask for his help, he is your partner, after all. Once you know what makes you feel good, let him know it, too. Guys aren't mindreaders. Sex doesn't necessarily mean you have to have "intercourse until orgasm" each time, and a good partner will be willing to work w/you, and to stop (in a loving and supportive way) if sexual play begins to feel uncomfortable to you. Once you're comfortable pleasuring yourself, take some time, time free of any expectations, to learn what HE can do that is pleasurable for YOU, and what YOU can do that is pleasurable for HIM. Often when a person is having sexual issues, we forget that sexplay is just that: PLAY. As a child, we play w/out certain expectations. We play tag to "win", but we don't go out there thinking "I'm going play tag, and I HAVE TO find it enjoyable." No, as a kid, you just play, and if play isn't fun, you find something else or some other way to play.
4)Don't set goals you don't want or can't reasonably/comfortably expect to meet. If all sex is off-putting to you right now, perhaps setting a goal of "just spooning tonight" is more reasonable than "We're both going to come, even if it kills us!" Do you want to orgasm, or just to feel pleasure? Is quantity more important to you, or quality? Sometimes the thought of having wild, screaming, monkey-love can seem absolutely exhausting. Be willing to put "passable limits" on your play, w/yourself and with your partner. (Ie: "Right now, I'm only wanting to go as far as X, but that may change, once I/we get to X! )
Take yr time, & remember, its not the end of the world. Sex is about love & pleasure, which you can have w/out sex. Be happy!
Report This| Share this:No sex drive, no help from drsI've been through exactly what you're going through...Having had sexual pain (both emotional and physical) at an earlier point in your life can also be a major cause of loss of sex drive. Then add your current meds to that, and boy...you're facing an uphill battle. Trust me, I've been there.<br /> <br />I STILL don't have sex as often as I used to, and you may never get "all" of your sex-drive back- -keep in mind that drive seems to lessen w/age, to a certain extent as well- -but there are some things you CAN do to help yourself.<br /> <br />1)Find a better form of therapy. When <u>any</u> therapist suggests leaving someone you love as a "cure" for your issues, its time to find a better therapist. Maybe- -if you're not too shy- -a support group might be more helpful to you. You need to find a way to stop associating sex w/"bad" or "pain", and even just stopping that association (w/out necessarily changing the association to sex="good" or "pleasure") might be a good first stepping stone. Later, as you move on, you can learn to associate sex w/better things, right?<br />2)Take some time to learn what feels good to you now. Chemicals, illness, and a learned negative response can dramatically affect/change your sexual response. Lots of things can, actually. It may well be that "what used to get you off" no longer does. And the stress of repeated "bad" sexual experiences <i><u>certainly</u></i> doesn't help. Take some time- -most likely alone-time, at first- -to practice on yourself. Do things that make <b>you</b> feel sexy, find out what <b>feels</b> good, and worry only about relaxing and enjoying. Do what feels good to YOU (regardless of what other people think is correct, sexy, or appropriate) and only do it for as long as you want or need. If something doesn't feel good, back off, slow down, or try something else. It doesn't need to be so much about orgasm (altho', if you have one, you get bonus points, right?) as about just relearning your own needs/moves/comfort zones. As long as you aren't harming others, or landing in jail (LOL), anything goes! And even if worst comes to worst, you'll still have fun and learn something, right?<br />3)<b><i><u>Talk</u></i></b> to your husband. A lot of <b>his</b> stress can most likely be alleviated if you explain to him how much you love him (obviously, you love him enuff' to work on something that doesn't feel good, right?) and that you are working on the issue. Ask for his help, he is your partner, after all. Once you know what makes you feel good, let him know it, too. Guys aren't mindreaders. Sex doesn't necessarily mean you have to have "intercourse until orgasm" each time, and a good partner will be willing to work w/you, and to stop (in a loving and supportive way) if sexual play begins to feel uncomfortable to you. Once you're comfortable pleasuring yourself, take some time, time free of any expectations, to learn what HE can do that is pleasurable for YOU, and what YOU can do that is pleasurable for HIM. Often when a person is having sexual issues, we forget that sexplay is just that: PLAY. As a child, we play w/out certain expectations. We play tag to "win", but we don't go out there thinking "I'm going play tag, and I HAVE TO find it enjoyable." No, as a kid, you just play, and if play isn't fun, you find something else or some other way to play.<br />4)Don't set goals you don't want or can't reasonably/comfortably expect to meet. If all sex is off-putting to you right now, perhaps setting a goal of "just spooning tonight" is more reasonable than "We're both going to come, even if it kills us!" Do you want to orgasm, or just to feel pleasure? Is quantity more important to you, or quality? Sometimes the thought of having wild, screaming, monkey-love can seem absolutely exhausting. Be willing to put "passable limits" on your play, w/yourself <b>and</b> with your partner. (Ie: "Right now, I'm only wanting to go as far as X, but that <b>may</b> change, once I/we get to X! )<br /> <br />Take yr time, & remember, its not the end of the world. Sex is about love & pleasure, which you can have w/out sex. Be happy!
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