Mens Sexual Issues

a buddy of mine was in the same situation as you... but he made one mistake, he left a track of email on a computer and his wife found it... he had to cut all ties.. and I have yet to hear from him in 4 yrs. No contacts what so ever.. but, sure enough when his kids turn 18, he will get out of his marriage..

But their are some people that the wife remain friends, and others that the wife likes to watch. . Im a one on one type myself.

Bob,

Thanks for sharing your story.

It sounds like you had an interest/sexual attraction to men that you felt unable to fulfill so you resorted to online hook-ups with me and though it started out as a playful way to "have your cake (marriage) and eat it too (be with men)" it ended with multiple parties being affected by your actions. This is the unfortunate reality of men who act on the down low.

Your wife, I am sure, is devastated - her husband is presumably homosexual afterall. That is not an easy thing to deal with for her (or you), but you should let HER decide what course of action she is comfortable with taking. After all, she is the one who got cheated on. The one thing you can afford to do for her now is to be honest with her about your hopes, dreams, desires, attractions, etc. Don't hurt her anymore than you already have. This is your chance to be a man, so be a man.

As for your lover: as a gay man who once got involved via internet with a "bisexual" married man, I can tell you that your lover is probably just as devastated as your wife (if he had feelings for you). It is a difficult thing for the lover to have that connection with the married partner and yet the married partner can not pursue those feelings - it results in the lover feeling used, betrayed, and made a fool of.

If I may offer advice/insight? It's tough love, and a bit of a reality check that you may not want to hear.

Fact: You are attracted to men.
Fact: You cheated on your wife with a man.
Fact: You developed relationship-like felings for this man.
Also fact: Many more children nowadays are growing up with blended families, same-sex parents, etc. Your children will likely grow up to become well-adjusted, tolerant, accepting, loving people - so long as you establish those qualities through your Actions, with a capital A.
Fact: Many men who divorce because they are more interested in a same-sex relationship continue to have healthy contact with their former wives.

Life is too short to go around hurting people (your wife, your lover, yourself!).

Again, you are taking a big step by reaching out (even if it is on a forum) to get advice, share your story, and feel more comfortable with you are. Congratulations on that!

Best of luck and remember, actions speak louder than words.

Dear MrCounsel:

Fact: your post is not helpful at all to anyone because it is incredibly self righteous and very, very judgmental. Who are you to judge and even label other human beings like that? Our society is homophobic enough, the last thing it needs is a gay man preaching black and white sexuality to the rest of the world based on someone cheating.

Even though I agree with you that any sexual relationship with another (same sex or opposite sex) is not very skillful if it violates the covenant of a marriage, it still does not give you ANY right to pass judgement on StPeteBob , let alone ANYONE ELSE on this board. Navigating the waters of sexuality in a country as homophobic as America is tough enough without the likes of you coming along, and preaching some lie about boxing people into some prejudice labels.

Human sexuality is NOT a black and white thing where there is a "straight" box and a "gay" box. Just because StPeteBob has had a side fling with a man doesn't make him gay.

StPeteBob, the best advice in this situation is for you to work this through with your wife with full honesty and an open heart, and let the chips fall where they may. There is nothing wrong with same sex attractions, and they can actually be an exciting part of a heterosexual marriage, but only if you are truthful with your wife about it. If your wife can't accept that you have same sex attractions, then you have another issue, but at least you need to agree on the right boundaries.

Having any sorts of sexual relations with another, be it male of female is cheating if you have a covenant with your wife that says you don't have sexual relations with others, even if that didn't explicitly call out same sex relationships. But no one has the right to pass judgement on you if you choose to cheat. That is in between you and your heart. In all cases, forgiveness is the soundest path towards healing.

Given that our society is slowly becoming more liberated, and the images of perfect and beautiful male bodies proliferate in the media, the number of "straight men" (if there even is such a thing) having bi-curious interests are on the rise. There was a recent survey in a famous Hollywood magazine where 90% of heterosexual men responded that they would consider sleeping with Brad Pitt. The right answer for married men is to talk to their wives about their feelings. It can be fun, and if you absolutely have to have a man too, then make sure it fits within the covenant of your marriage before you go to hurt your partner.

I am straight, my wife and I talk about same sex attractions openly, (yes, there are plenty of hot guys out there) we are keen supporters of gay rights, but we are also keen supporters of liberating human sexuality from the homophobic, puritanical prejudices of American Society coming from BOTH the straight and the gay side.

I commend the users on this board, and I hope that judgmental posts like these don't deter you from continuing your journey into fully accepting who you are, and having your wives accept you that way too.