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What a Great Experience this group has become. The kinship in Brotherhood. There is such a diverse range of topics. This is the place we can be as open as we want to be... Everyone is welcome to join, but it is not a place to Cruise. It's for sharing sexual questions and comments among men.
Married and struggling with my urges
VicZ32 posted:

First of all, I stumbled across this forum by chance and am glad to see a lot of useful discussion and viewpoints.

Anyways, I'm a married male in my early 30s. I realized early on that I was bi and fooled around with guys quite a bit before my marriage. I got married about 4.5 yrs ago. Needless to say that I love my wife a lot and we have a really good marriage. However, the urge to be with a guy is insane at times. I suppressed my feelings for some time after getting married. And then finally gave in (about an year so after getting married) and started playing with guys again. Of course, I struggle with the guilt factor both before and after.

So, now I've gone without having a m4m experience for more than 6 months. The guilt was just killing me. Recently, I started talking with a married guy online and we exchanged pictures and stuff. He is the same age as mine and we have a ton of things in common. We finally decided to meet after chatting for several days. But, I pulled out (no pun intended) at the last minute. I also realized that there is a good possibility of our professional paths crossing. So, that was a factor as well. I really liked this guy a lot and explained my situation. He was very considerate but has been trying to convince me to give this a try. I really want to meet this guy but worried out messing up our professional lives.

My apologies for my long rant. But, I thought I could really use some advice. Thanks for reading this. I'd love to hear from you guys.
beckleyguy responded:
Man oh man! Do I ever know what your going through!
An_251837 responded:
I was considering either a homosexual or bisexual lifestyle 30 years ago and then met my wife. I fell in love with her and we have been very happily married for several decades now. I chose to forsake all others (as I said in my wedding vows to her) and have never regretted it.

Be sure your sins will find you out. Your wife will discover your activities and will be hurt. You have decided to commit to your wife, and then decided to cheat on her. Surely you will know the consequences eventually.

Your choice is to discuss this with her and see if she can accept this part of you. You may be able to come to an agreement where you have an open marriage. If not, then you may need to end your marriage and be free to live a bisexual life without committing to one person.

Good luck.
VicZ32 replied to An_251837's response:
I couldn't agree more with you about the hurt that I am causing her for no fault of hers (even without her knowing about it).

I know one thing for sure that I would absolutely hate to end my marriage for at least 2 reasons. First of all, my wife is an amazing woman. Secondly, regardless of my urges, I love her a lot. I know it sounds crazy considering a few times I've fooled around outside of my marriage. But, I do love her.
NYguy responded:
I know how your feel, and have been there. PLEASE, do not do it. I did and I regret it. No she has not found out, but I live with my sin and shame every day and can not seem to stop myself. I wish I had never opened the door to this. Get help, see a therapist, a clergymen, someone you can speak to in confidence and privately, to help you better deal with your urges and avoid making the mistakes I have made.
seattleron responded:
I thought I had replied to this post earlier. This is something for me that came about very young 6-7 with self arousal it was exciting and it was the first thing that gave me any sense of self love that was not available from my parents. and as my home situation got worse I was drawn more and more back to it until it became my ONLY coping tool and that kept me from developing healhy coping tools to use when I was emotionally affraid, scared, lonley etc. But I knew it was wrong and I was always going to stop it.

By 10 ish I ran in male female porn and was overwhelmed imaging what my body would look like as a man someday. A couple of things came about with neighbor boys, but I knew something more was going on with me than them. This continued as an anonymous thing.... no one could know. Matter of fact the moment it was over I denied it even happened.

I married at 25 not having done anything for a year. I thought it was over. Being an emotional mess on the inside setteling into our marriage was more than I was ready for and I returned to the anonymous thing. I could not stop.

I reached out for help and tried several until about 14 years ago when I found a 12 step program called Sexaholics Anonymous a world wide group. There I learned I was a sex addict just like all the others at those meeting. I just happened to act out same sex. I was not gay. I accept I will always be drawn to this. I probably would not have survived my childhood without it, but it was ruining my life. It was not even fun it was just what I had to do to end an escape from life cycle.

I sought a therapist out a few years ago. Actually, he was a very liberal guy and our relationship began with his suggestion that I was bi and just needed to better manage my acting out. I had to teach him NO NO I am not bi. I am a addicted to this monkey on my back. Three years later when he did not feel he could help me further he agreed I was an addict.

If you want to communicate more about my experience send me a direct communication.
DyedTime responded:
There are a couple of things your really ought to be doing in this situation: first, you need to never do it again. If you love your wife that much, it shouldn't be that hard.

Second -- and this is the more difficult bit -- you need to come clean with your wife about what you did. Yes, there is a chance that it could ruin your marriage, but that's no one's fault but your own, and you owe it to her to be honest. The longer you live in this lie, the more it's going to poison your relationship, regardless of whether or not you realize it is happening.

If you're having urges beyond your wife -- and I don't mean the usual sort of lustful fantasies, but the sort that you feel compelled to act on -- then it's just possible your wife doesn't mean as much to you as you think she does. That's something you need to figure out, because if you continue to cheat on her then you're clearly not devoted in matrimony and maybe you should put an end to the marriage.

Whatever you decide, good luck. But remember this: those indiscretions will catch up with you sooner or later, and one or both of you is going to get hurt.
seattleron replied to DyedTime's response:
Final from Ron here. At my deepest point of shame and dis pare found Sexaholics Anonymous a few years ago and at the first meeting listening I realized without a doubt that I was a sex addict just like all the other guys in the room. some went for children (boys and girls) others for erotic hetreo massages, prostitutes, exhibitionism and some same gender anonymous sex.

My story was theres. I had taken part of my natural sexuality and miss used it as an emotional coping tool since I first started having arousal's about 5. Actually, it is rare but from birth I was emotionally abandoned and on my own to provide for all of my emotional needs. The awesome excitement of those first arousal I am sure I believed it was Self Love I so desperately sought.
joeawilliams replied to An_251837's response:
im wondering did you tell your wife you where thinking about taking on a bi or homosexual life?
An_251837 replied to joeawilliams's response:
Yes. We went through several years of counseling and now have a strong marriage. We celebrated 25 years of marriage a few months ago. I know I made the right choice.
seattleron replied to joeawilliams's response:

Just signed in and saw your reply. The ideal of pursuing a bi or gay life was discus-ting to me. A life centered/focused on a sexual acting out behavior would have no basis. Only on a couple of occassions did I get with the same guy more than once. There was no emotional connection sought or wanted. Actually, that growing up non experience was devoid of intimacy. We three kids were emotionally abandoned from birth.

I am certainly aware that I am not the only guy who deals with same sex attraction.. As a matter of FACT every guy started with Same sex attraction..with masturbation? And in not so far past there were lots of healthy places where men gathered naked together and probably some were encouraged to meet outside one on one? Dynamics drastically change when one accepts a helping hand.. big boundary to cross. Been there done that more than once.
stevesmw replied to seattleron's response:
Masturbation when two adolescents are pleasuring themselves together is probably very common, but it's a pretty big leap to calling it sexual attraction.

My opinion is the boundary is considering accepting a helping hand. There is a strong taboo associated with it and crossing the boundary is labeling yourself as bi or gay and associating yourself with a particular lifestyle.

Once again, in my opinion, a lot of men think with their penises and if there wasn't an identification associated with same sex behavior they would engage in it. This kind of behavior could be outside what is considered an attraction.
diytestkitsdotcom responded:
Hi VicZ32,

Sexual preference is something relative. It is called preference for the simple fact that it is something a person prefers and not something dictated either by birth or by others. It is not something anyone will have the right to judge upon. No one could definitely fault you for that.

But, what is sad in your situation is that you cheated on your wife. The guilt you feel is your conscience telling you that you are doing something wrong. By giving in to the temptation of a relationship with this other guy, more than both your professional lives are on the line, rather the gravest concern here is both your marriages.

You did say you love your wife. Then, don't do this to her! Finding this out will not only hurt her, it will more than likely crush her. The fact that you cheated is going to be bad enough, meaning she will think that you no longer love her and that you take your vows of fidelity lightly. But worse, you will make her feel bad about herself. You cheated on her with another guy, so she will feel so inadequate as a woman that you were so uncontented you settled for another guy just to fill that inadequacy.

These may not be what you think and feel, but they are what will be for her. You don't want to do this to her, do you? Please, don't do it again. Don't hurt her, your marriage, and your love for each other. You both are worth more than mere urges.

Be faithful, she deserves it. Be kind, don't cause other people's marriage to be damaged. Be forgiving, in time, learn to forgive yourself for all the guilt you have and the unintentional pain you had caused your wife without her knowing.

Best of luck for overcoming your urges. Hope for a good and happy future with your wife.
emediof responded:
I've been bi since I was 10 & loved thee feeling of another guys penis.I got married to a really hot girl & she had a handsome gay brother.we were living with her mom & brother. I kept seeing him in the bathroom naked every morning getting ready for work. I would get erect just looking at his hot,big cock. finally he took my cock in hand & said"i can't take it anymore,lets do it now".we were 69ing on the floor & forgot my wife was home. she walked in & said "well sonny(her brother) I wondered how long it would take u 2 to get oral with eachother"? I looked up & said.are u mad at me? she said "hell no ,I had his big cock when I was 14,15, right up to the day before we got married,kinda saying to him,i'll miss u but I can see now we can all have fun together. i'm thankfull she caught us because I now have gay friends that are welcome in our bed

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