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What do you do when your spouse ignores your MS?
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stephanie063123 posted:
I was diagnosed with MS in January of this year. It has been a struggle to get a grasp on organizing my life to make daily living easier. My husband has been of no support at all. Most of the time he pretends I don't have anything wrong with me and complains about what I don't do. I work full-time as as art teacher, am a mother of 3 very active boys (16, 13, and 7), and in graduate school part-time. I have checked out books on MS from the library to help him understand what I am going through, but he refused to read them. I definitely believe that counseling is out of the question. We are at odds most of the time and I am ready to give him his walking papers. Is there anybody else out there who has been through this that is willing to share their story? I would be forever grateful.
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joyceannw responded:
I was diagnosed in May of this year and although my husband knew I was being worked up for MS he has yet to ask me what the results were!!! I'm sure he knows without asking and at first he hurt me by acting like nothing was wrong but then I thought maybe it is just his coping mechanism. Maybe he has to pretend everything is ok. I'm not saying it is right but hang in there and maybe things will change. You also might be at odds because you are angry and depressed at the turn your life has taken. I know I am. My husband has been out of work for 2 years and I am scared about what will happen if I can't work anymore. Hang in there for now, it is all we can do.
 
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AMLYGE responded:
5 years ago my boyfriend I had just moved in with goes through the whole diagnosis ordeal with me and we were very distant for awhile until one day we both broke down and made ourselves talk about it... he was scared - i don't blame him i was too!!

Heck we both still are scared but it's been 5 years and he has been able to do his own research in his own time and read a couple books and now comes to my Nuero check ups with me... Over the year what we say has helped most is meeting people who are going through the same thing!

Check out www.nmss.org and look for a local chapter... go to some of the support groups if they have one near you and this website has helped alot too... people are very friendly here and are always willing to help and support you

Take care stephanie063123 and joyceannw
 
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chelylynne responded:
Stephanie..I was diagnosed in December of last year, so I am right behind you. Your message sounds just like my life..except that I lost my job because I can't work. I have a degree and an MBA. I actually have everyone stick up for him. It's hard on him..you have to understand things are hard for him.

He can spend tons of time looking on the internet for things regarding sports..I have never once had him look anyting up regarding ms or me. I had another friend say..well he's been that way since you got married..but I haven't had MS and been sick the whole time. I'm not trying to say..oh it's so bad for me. I'm just trying to let you know you are not alone.

It doesn't help that the Avonex is really doing a number on me with depression either. But I'm right there with you..side by side.

Michele
 
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chelylynne responded:
Stephanie..I was diagnosed in December of last year, so I am right behind you. Your message sounds just like my life..except that I lost my job because I can't work. I have a degree and an MBA. I actually have everyone stick up for him. It's hard on him..you have to understand things are hard for him.

He can spend tons of time looking on the internet for things regarding sports..I have never once had him look anyting up regarding ms or me. I had another friend say..well he's been that way since you got married..but I haven't had MS and been sick the whole time. I'm not trying to say..oh it's so bad for me. I'm just trying to let you know you are not alone.

It doesn't help that the Avonex is really doing a number on me with depression either. But I'm right there with you..side by side.

Michele
 
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LadeeEmpress responded:
I was just diagnosed in August but it seems like I am doing down the same road with my husband. He just ignores it and really doesn't get what I am going through nor does he attempt to understand it. It is really frustrating. I told him I needed him to step up to the plate but it is the same old same old of him expecting ME to do everything. I agree with you and I am ready to send him packing...I get that it must be hard on him as well but HELLO I am the one with the diagnosis here...does he not think it is hard on me?? Especially when I am used to being independent and the breadwinner in the relationship...ARGH! Just wanted to let you know that I feel your pain...
 
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magickalme replied to LadeeEmpress's response:
LadeeEmpress:
I wanted to take the time to answer your question about husbands not caring. I would say don't blame the horse if the wagon is too heavy....but I won't. I HAD one of those who could not have cared less what I was going through.

The physical stuff had him just rolling his eyes, and as for the cognitive, I just got an email from him that said when I got tired of making up physical symtoms, I used the cognitive cause no one could prove it either way. Yeah, right: it's hard on him.

So would a plague of locusts be, except I understand they don't eat meat, just grain.....(guessing, here).

Up until the very day I was admitted to the ICU in a COMA. he maintained we were good, just having a bit of stress. Later I found out he was allowing our home to foreclose, without my knowledge. I sure married MY prince, now, didn't I? HE LEFT WHILE I WAS STILL IN THE HOSPITAL.

All I can tell you is to protect yourself financially. It cost me dearly to learn that lesson. If he hasn't participated up to now, chances are, he won't. Remember "Forrest Gump": Stupid is as stupid does".

Stress and MS do not work well together. Most of us know that. If HE is causing you stress, show him the door. Most of us would be happier single than stuck in a crappy marriage and receiving no support or help from a spouse. And find someone to talk to about all this. I'd suggest marriage counseling, but that takes two, as I also learned.

Here, on this page, you will find help and support, but you will have to do most of the work yourself. Oh wait...you already are, right?

I read the landfills are looking for a few bad men. Recommend he check them out. Garbage to garbage, IMHO.
As for anything else, be patient with yourself, don't let his BS affect you and take steps NOW to move on if you must.
Oh, and my signature sign-off:
Breathe......
blessings,
flapkat
You can always reach me at proudspirit10@hotmail.com as well.
 
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arealgijoe replied to magickalme's response:
My wife is similar to the way you describe your husbands.

She tries to keep a emotional distance, pretend all is well. I am diabetic and she avoided anything she could, sometimes does exactly opposite. I say I need to reduce carbs a bit, to make up for aevening out, what does she do, make several meals that go against wheat I should be doing. She seldom cooks much, I make most of my own meals.

Housework......I do more from my powerchair than she does, too busy glued to the Tv morning to night when she is not woorking. They tried to fire her for being lazy on the job a few years ago. Our daughter got into her over not doing anything, not even dusting. My wife went on a hunger strike in retaliation and nearly died. My wife is NOT a team player, thinks she should be treated like a rich princess.

She is NOT a bad person, mostly just very stuborn and selfish.I lost a good famdoc years ago because she was AGAINST me having a glucometer. She demanded a police scanner in exchange for me getting a glucometer. My doc did not want o deal with her so I lost agood fam doc.

It's not ALL one gender, it cuts both ways.

Gomer
 
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chelylynne replied to magickalme's response:
Flap...cracked me up...it's weird when i was carrying the whole burden...working full time, drug rep..finishing my mba..paying for everything..i felt so insecure.

Now in the past 9 mos..ms is taking over, lost my job, but am lucky enought to have LTD and lost my mom...still can'[t type it w/out crying.

He took a job for us to have insurance and reminds me every day.

Somehow I'm feeling stronger and less afraid. Weird huh? I had all of the power and didn't want my house of cards to crumble.

Now I have less to lose..i'm not getting what I need. Feel stronger..go figure
 
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chelylynne replied to arealgijoe's response:
Gomer,

I definitely don't think it's one gender. You guys just get out numbered on here..sorry about that!!!

It's just wanting basic love caring and help from a spouse or partner.

Chely
 
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judybird64 replied to arealgijoe's response:
Hi all...I'm so sorry you all are going through these problems; I know well how it feels! I don't know how long all of you have been dealing with spouse's lack of compassion and/or caring...I know several said around a year? I just wanted to say that when I was first diagnosed with my first autoimmune (i.e.: chronic) disease, we had a hard time, too...really hard...the same stuff you all have described. I had to quit work almost immediately, and the financial pressure on him was incredable. It took about 5 years and a lot of talking and finding out that he was being fed information from others that was wrong and negative. Now, although he worries like crazy about me, he also takes really good care of me, and tells me all the time how much he loves me.
As rightfully angry as you are right now, it just may be worth giving it some time to see how things work over time. Just my 2 cents worth!
Judy
 
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CarolynJAV responded:
Hi Stephanie.
I was hoping for an update. I was diagnosed in November '09. My fiance and I were together 3 years before the diagnoses. He has never read one thing I've asked him to read or watched one MS video. He said to me the other day that I blame everything on MS....which is not true. He is a very negative person, which just leads to stress. Not good. But I feel trapped. Who will take care of me physically and most importantly financially if I leave. I can't rely on my family for the financial part. They have their own struggles.
 
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Rory26312 replied to CarolynJAV's response:
Hi Carolyn

Most of these people have left the board in the last two years but I will try to help.

I have no answers for you on the physical and financial support you fear you will need. I can however allmost guarantee you that being in a relationship with these concerns will not help your prognosis the emotional toll and stress involved will not help.

If he cann't be your partner and equal in MS then while I will not say move on watch how much strain working on your relationship causes yo If it helps come back to vent,

Rory


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