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OT Poll... my MIL is driving me nuts!!
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tothebeach4 posted:
This is an off topic discussion and more of a fun poll topic, but I just wanted to see if anybody else has experienced anything quite like this. It's a long read, but just stick with me :)

Starting from the beginning, my son is the first grandchild on both mine and my husband's sides. My MIL works for a popular childcare company, so when looking for a reputable daycare, we asked her opinion and found one we're extremely happy with. However, this is where the trouble begins. If only I knew then what I know now... LOL!

The first 2 weeks our son was in daycare, my MIL thought it would be a good idea to pick him up "early" (sometimes by only 30 minutes) to help him adjust to daycare. I didn't think it was necessary because our son is a very easy going baby, but "Ok, fine" was my initial response. But then, as weeks went on, she proceeded to TELL me when she was going to pick him up from school, as if it were something we agreed would become a normal thing. Eventually my husband got up the nerve to tell her that it was kind of pointless to pick him up only 30 minutes early when I work 5 minutes away from his school. Besides, she had to drive a good 35-40 miles and 2 ways through a tunnel just to pick him up and take him back to our house; it was dumb and ruined the end of my day when all I wanted to do was pick him up and see his smile. Anyway, she got the hint and all talks of picking him up early ceased... problem solved!

Fast forward a week or two and we find out that she's coming by the school during the day and actually leaving the building with our child. She's putting him in a stroller and taking him for walks around the business complex where the school is. Now, I knew she was going by the school to visit, but had no idea she was actually taking him out of the building. I'd go to pick him up at the end of the day and his teacher would tell me she came by and took him "our for a while". When I asked where they went, the teacher would reply "for a walk, I think". This was irritating, as I'm sure any parent can relate. Not only was my MIL taking him out of the building without my knowledge or permission, but nobody seemed to know where they were going. Doesn't this sound like some kind of liability to anybody else?? What if something happened while she had him? Maybe I'm just crazy. This happened twice at which point I told my husband he needed to say something to her or I would and she probably wouldn't take it well coming from me. Well, I guess she didn't take it well from him either because she's had a huge attitude with us since then. Oh well... she'll just have to get over it.

So, last night my husband and I are getting ready for bed and he says, "Oh, my mom asked the other night if she could pick [our son> up from school early on Thursday sicne Nana's coming into town for the weekend". WTF?! I thought we were past this. (A) Why doesn't my husband just nip it in the bud instead of telling her he'd talk to me first? Doesn't he realize that when "we" say no that it makes me look like the bad guy? and (B) What if my husband and I wanted to be there when his Nana meets her first great grandchild for the first time?! Doesn't my MIL think we have the right to and deserved to experience that as well? Doesn't she realize that OUR baby is NOT her baby? Never mind the fact that we already made plans to spend all day Saturday with them... oh no, she needs to pick him up early on Thursday FOR NO REASON other than to disrupt our daily routine!!

Anyway... just wanted to know how other people would feel if they had to deal with the same situation. If nothing else, it feels good to get all of this out... LOL :D

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How would you handle this situation if it were your MIL?
  • Tell her to take a hike!
  • Tell her politely no.
  • Bite your tongue and smile.
  • What's the big deal?!
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GigiSage responded:
If my MIL lived here we would have the same problems...

I already felt like she wouldn't let me have a moment with her while she was here for a weekend... I changed her diaper and just pulled her shorts up and I was pushed out of the way so MIL could take her.... Why couldn't she just wait a few minutes? I want to at least pick up DD and give her a kiss... that entire weekend I barely got to hold her and it drove me absolutely nuts. Everyone kept taking her from me and then talking about how she was always fussy or hated being burped... ummm no she's not she is just sick of being passed around and she does burp but just not all the time... Oh I just couldn't wait for everyone to go home....
 
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Brubee responded:
Lurker here... If this were my MIL I would have a boundries talk with her. Sit her down and lay it out, if she dont like it oh well. I am mama I decide. Gracious peace! Why do MIL do this? JMO. My MIL lives in Germany so when she comes its only for 6-8 weeks a year. She is a wonderful person I wish she got to come here more. DH and I would get more date nights! Good luck and I hope your MIL wises up.
 
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JaxsMommy responded:
I am so sorry, but you and your husband should sit down and talk to her (that way you aren't the bad guy all by yourself) and she realizes she impacting everyone's routine and situation. Also you should be able to remove her from the daycare pick-up list, that way she can't come and take him whenever she feels like it.

My MIL lives far away and is very uninvolved in her first grandson's life. . . . . my mother on the other hand needs a correction every now and then. I give in for awhile because we don't live near any family and I know they come to see him (not me or my husbad) I happily turn over diaper duty and bed time rocking for a long weekend and she gets the time she wants with her only grandchild. But I do have to tell her sometimes "This is my baby, you had your turn now please let me have mine". Tough love has worked best, besides I learned it from her anyway:)

Good Luck!
 
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earleyml1012 responded:
WOW! Here I thought my mother was nuts. She ALWAYS has to be by DD's side when she's around. It's like my father, myself and DH don't exist since DD was born. Luckily she lives an hour away so don't have the issues you do. Good luck and just keep telling her how you want things. It's your child, you know what's best. However, there may be times that you have to bite your tongue and smile...I still do and DD is 18 months!
 
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Emmyl responded:
What is it with MILs anyway? lol Mine is the same way. They live several hours away, so I don't have to deal with that often, but when we do. Sheesh! I especially hate it when I'm trying to change DS's diaper and she's practically under my armpit trying to get at him or make faces at him. I've gotten to where I just say, "Oh, excuse me." and accidentally bump her out of the way with my hip. haha It's like when they come down, they completely forget what it was like to have a baby. When I remind them that he, for instance, really needs quiet time to take his nap during the day, everyone looks at me like I'm that hormonal pregnant, over-protective mother. (and while that may be true, I really don't appreciate them looking at me that way.) Mostly, though, and I know how bad this is going to say before I even say it, but here goes, she's just ANNOYING! She's got a Roseanne Barr voice, she's over-the-top hyper and she never, and I do mean never, shuts up. We can't even watch a movie without her asking us ten million questions. I'm from the south, so I can say all that and then say, "bless her heart", and everything's alright again. lol
 
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mommabear3502 responded:
Ok this will probably not go over well, but I don't think I'd have a problem with what she's doing. I grew up not having ANY grandparents around at all, and I want my kids to spend as much time as possible with their grandparents so that they can get to know them. They won't be around forever, and as long as the relationship isn't unhealthy I'm fine with them taking the kids whenever they want to. As a matter of fact, my parents are taking my 8 year old daughter camping for a week next week. I'll miss her, but she's creating memories that she'll have for the rest of her life.

Now if you have concerns about the baby's safety and well being, that's a completely different situation. Otherwise I would say to enjoy the fact that your child has a grandparent around who wants to be a part of your LO's life.
 
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andprice replied to mommabear3502's response:
I think I agree most with what mommabear said. I would be glad to have a grandma be able to be more involved in my kids' lives. Both of our parents live at least 5 hrs away, so my kids only see them two or three times a year. It's not like they're letting some complete stranger take your son, it's his grandma, and you know she loves him and will take good care of him. She did raise your DH after all, so she can't be completely nuts. :) It's probably nice for your DS to have some one on one time with an adult during the day, too.

Try to think of it from her perspective...she probably misses having little babies (in some ways), and has probably been dreaming about having grandchildren from the time your DH was knee-high. She just wants to show her love for your DS and bond with him.

If there are things that really mess up your day (like the picking him up early part) you can work that out with her. If it's a matter of not knowing where they are going, it's no big deal to have her tell you where she'll be taking him, if she wants to take him out during the day. It sounds like it's not the taking him out that bugs you as much as not knowing where/when it happened. Talk with her about it. You can be direct and assertive without it turning into a fight.

GL!
 
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GigiSage replied to andprice's response:
While taking baby out is great for Grandma - she shouldn't be doing it without clearing it with them. If my mom or MIL just stopped by our daycare and picked up our daughter without first telling us they were going to do that.... I would be livid. It's one thing to ask politely and to make arrangements and it's another thing to just swoop in and take your child whenever they want without your consent.

I have a feeling the heart of the problem is that she is not being acknowledged as the parent making decisions, instead she is being circumvented by Grandma. While taking a walk isn't a big deal, what if she doesn't want her to do something later - and more important - and Grandma takes her anyways.

Case in point, an older co-worker of mine told her daughter that she could NOT go to Washington state to meet her online boyfriend. Her Aunt decided she should get get to go (she was 16 at the time) and made up a story that she wanted to take her to Oregon with her on vacation. The real purpose? Her Aunt took her to Washington to spend a week with her online boyfriend in a hotel room... yeah... Her mom was LIVID when she found out that not only did go there but they had diliberately disobeyed her. It not only put a strain on her relationship with her sister but her daughter as well. Her sister's reaction to it? She said she shouldn't be upset because she bought them condoms.

I am not saying it will get to that point but what if this is a precursor to future battles? Its one thing for Grandma to slip a kid $20 or give them a piece of candy before dinner but when Grandma goes behind your back and isn't honest about her plans then you need to have a talk with her. My parents my spoil their grandchildren but they are honest about it and do it with our knowledge.
 
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tothebeach4 responded:
Yes, I completely agree that it's important for my son to spend one on one time with ALL of his grandparents. He is a lucky little boy to have 3 grandma's and 3 grandpa's who all love him dearly and I would never try to prevent any of them from spending time with him. The problem is that because my MIL works for the daycare company (not in the school, but on the corporate level), she feels like she has the right to do whatever she wants without asking our permission. If my mom were to show up and try to leave the school with our son (which, by the way, she would never do) the school would probably go on lockdown until the director spoke with me directly and cleared it with me first. To be clear, I wouldn't have a problem with her taking him for walks during the day if she asked us first and then maybe called to let us know when he was back in school safe. But I CANNOT stand going to pick my child up at the end of the day and finding out that he wasn't in the school (which is a locked and secured building) for an hour during the day. And along with that, nobody knowing where the heck he was during that hour... except that he was with Grandma. I pay that school A LOT of money to ensure the safety and security of my child. When I drop him off in the mornings, I expect that he will be staying at the school all day until I pick him up in the evenings. It's not that I don't trust my MIL to keep him safe and I know she loves him more than life itself and just wants to spend extra time with him. But there are a lot of crazy people in this world and crazy things happen every single day. I would never, ever forgive her if she went and got him our of school without my permission and then something happened to my child while they were out.

And the whole picking him up early thing... yes, this time she did ask permission, but IMO, she sort of blew her chances of that happening again the time she picked him up, failed to call and let us know she had him and then wouldn't answer her phone when my husband and I were trying to gget in touch with her to find out if she picked him up or not. We finally had to call the daycare to see if he was still there or not and, hello... what kind of parents does that make us look like? The kind who don't know where their child is... the dumb kind. Call it being over-protective or paranoid... whatever, but I'm the kind of parent who likes to know where my baby is at all times.

I don't want to give the wrong impression. My MIL and I have a good relationship. I confide in her over a lot of issues and ask her advice. I've come to think of her just as I think of my own mother. She's a good lady, she really is. I just feel like she over-steps her boundaries in certain situations. The reason I even posted anything about this was because I wanted to find out if anybody else has had to deal with comparable issues when it came to their parents or in-laws. And mostly just to vent my frustrations. I do appreciate all the responses, though.


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