Pain Management Community

Excellent topic, Caprice. One that i deal with all the time. Every time i try to get a date, my limp gives me away. Then, i find myself explaining my pain and disability to her, before we even go out. Needless to say, dating has not worked out for me. Who wants some disabled guy on disability? No one!

I really dont get it? I am still the same guy i always was. I'm still kind, caring, conciderate, and compassionate. So, the only thing i can come up with is, all these ladies want is someone with a regular paycheck? I find that hard to believe, but that seems to be the case? As soon as they hear the words disability check, they seem to want to run away? Why is money so important? I am perfectly happy, and i dont have any money!

I refuse to give up! There is someone out there just for me, and i intend to find her!

Thanks again, Caprice!

Dennis___lonely, but still lookin!

You keep looking, Dennis. I don't know how old you are but (I hope) we women get smarter as we get older.

Thank you for that response, Caprice. I am 53 yrs. old. There are days i feel older, but for the most part, i still feel thirty. The nerve damage pain is the worst. The degenerative bone desease is less noticeable, unless i drive for long distances.

Recently, i was hired to drive escort vehicles for a local company. Yea me!!! Well, that really shows the extent of pain from the degenerative bone desease. About an hour in, the pain can become unbearable. I tough it out, i dont have a choice. I need an income, if i want to date.

Get this; one week after starting this job, two, count them, two women have come on to me. This helps to prove my point. I hope that not all women are like this? Why must a man have a job to get women interested in them? I just dont get it, Caprice. Do you have any ideas why?

If you could shed a little light on this subject for me, i would really appreciate that! Or, maybe you could steer me in the right direction for answers?

Keep these good questions going, Caprice, i really love to read them, and respond! What you do, is helping those of us with chronic pain, feel not quite so lonely. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart! Dennis

Well, I have chronic pain too, Dennis, so being here has helped me learn and grow in my own understanding.

I think it's possible assumptions are made about someone who isn't working that are unjust. However, usually once someone has a chance to get to know another and realize they're not just lazy, it can improve. At least I hope so. It's getting past that initial first impression that's the hard part.

I hope others here will share some ideas.

Keep us updated on the dating!

Dennis,

I , too, am disabled and work parttime. I think sometimes
people think we are just lazy and don't work because of that.
They don't understand the disability thing. I worked for yrs
and put money into SS and now that I need it , I'm drawing
on it. Can you just leave the disability and no job out of the
conversation for the first couple dates? Let the woman get
to know you.

I wish you well.

Becky

I have had the same trouble as many here mention. I have had chronic pain for at least 11yrs ever since a motor vehicle accident. And recently lost my job because I had to go on short term disability for my problems and they decided they didnt need me for my position.
My dating success has been limited. Not that I am much to look at, but as soon as I try to talk to a guy or anyone else for that matter and mention my chronic pain, they usually stop talking to me. Needless to say I had become used to doing things for/by myself.
I joined a singles service, but am probably the only one who has not had ANY dates from their service. There are a few of us that have become friends from coming to. the same events together. None of them however are interested in me as anything more-they do know of my pain.
I would love to find out the secret to fixing this. I have been shy most all of my life, even though I have become more outgoing that seems to turn people away too.
If I had the chance to go back and try again, I would tryto not mention much about me but when they ask what you do/work Its hard nor ro tell them the truth as you have to tell them something
I guess I have given up on this, I am alive but cant work, so that is just what I am and have to accept it.

I think we HAVE to be honest from the beginning, but also, in that, let people KNOW that we are not "broken" or "weak". We are strong, determined individuals who may not be able to run a marathon or swim the English Canal....or run or swim at all for that matter, but unless you are trying to date a true athlete, those things are not deal breakers!! As far as the money thing goes, that doesn't have to be and probably should not be shared right away. I think unless you are in a relationship or think it is about to become a relationship, money is not a topic for discussion, unless you cannot afford to take someone out on a decent date.
I have a harder time just saying disabled out loud. I just say I am retired, it sounds much better and just because my retirement check comes in the form of a disability check is not anyone's business on a date. If you "click" with someone and have that chemistry with someone, they are going to soon realize that your true attributes are still in tact and want to spend more time getting to know you and soon will not pay any attention to the limp. I am preaching to myself as much as anyone else. I have to tell myself these things every day. It is not fun to be disabled in the body and have such a clear mind. Your brain says, "Let's go dancing" and your body says "WHAT are you thinking and WHO are you talking to"....LOL. Dating is tough any way, especially over 40, but I have faith that God didn't intend for us to be alone and He will send the right person in the right time.......I just sometimes wish He would be in more of a hurry.

Dating is to hard. When I am in a pain cycle all I want to do is be by myself in a quiet place. I get irratated when they say their sorry or that I deserve to be happy, or the biggest one they have to be able to do something for you. I don't have the energy to make sure they are ok, when I am not ok. I have had pain for the last 15yrs. I still have not been giving a diagnois all I know is I have inflamation in my neck and right shoulder. My muscles get real tight to where I can not move my head. That is what I call steroid time. Right now I am waiting for my appt so they can do a cortisone shot in the right spot with the use of a cat scan. during this wait I am over compensating and affecting other parts of my body, it is like a vicious cycle. Sometimes I think it would be nice to share time with someone, but I don't even have the energy to put makeup on.
Debra

Dennis,
I feel your pain! (no pun intended!) I have been divorced for over a year and only one date. I, too, suffer from chronic pain. There are times when I have pain so bad that I retreat to the comfort of my bedroom and ride it out. And unless you suffer from chronic pain yourself, you cannot appreciate how others are feeling.
I feel as if people are so busy and overworked that they don't have the time or the energy to deal with someone else's problems. My ex described it this way.."I don't have the patience to take care of or deal with someone's illness". Maybe that's the way alot of people feel. I don't feel that way, but some do. At this time I am pursuing a course of action to deal with my chronic pain and my other health issues. Hopefully soon I will be better equipped to handle it.
Don't give up, there are women out there that care for the person and look beyond the shortcomings. I ask myself often why any man would willingly want a woman with so many health issues as I have. My answer to myself is "He wouldn't!" then God reminds me that I should let Him be in charge of my future because I am a worthy child of His and a blessing to the right man. I know God is right and I need to be patient. There is a wonderful woman out there for you, just be patient and trust God. God bless you.

Hiya Dennis, I know that you are like me not only looking for some reasonable answers & perspective from which we can hopefully learn & grow in some prosperous direction so that even we can try to enjoy our lives to the fullest. I am also a fairly bright intelligent loving & caring upbeat person & a single lesbian mom of an adult son. Now hold on & try to understand the dynamics of a relationship so as to grasp the decisions that people make daily. First society as a whole is trained on who, what & how we select our significant others from the time we are born & even as far back as being able to feel love & warmth while in the womb. With that I will simply state that I am also hoping to gain some NEW PERSPETIVE & insight into this modern dating scene with the hopes of traversing the bridge between love & our disabilities with the strong desire to form long lasting relationships. This chat can be really helpful in learning the skills necessary to build the framework from which we will attempt to reach out & form our futures with others but also for some serious bonding with like minded people. Women of the Generation X are taught from early child development to seek advice from their male peers & of course after a reasonable amount of interaction they begin to develop a trust which is a bond between two people from which it is a fairly easy step for a single available person amorous person to begin to seek out a mate & of course this person becomes the easiest & most likely person for this bond to take place with, once they have demonstrated the ability to overlook a person's disability through daily interaction and the two of you have made progress including trusting each other with personal safety The second step is a simple matter of a little luck & some timing on the part of the person with the disability, at this crucial time which comes around approximately each 4 month cycle you have a better than average chance of gaining the closer relationship that you are seeking. Note: Human relationships generally evolve or dissolve in 4 month cycles. The thing is that most people do not know or understand the dynamics of these four month cycles & therefore do not utilize the fact that they have already passed the inspection process so they simply don't know that they are ALLOWED to take that next step, which is to within legally acceptable means to carefully & which all due respect move into that sacred space of trust & desirability while expanding upon that fragile moment & attempt to demonstrate your sincere ability & desire to form a higher relationship & build upon what you already have developed with each other. All good long lasting relationships begin with TRUST as the foundation from which to build. The rest is simple communication & expressing your desire while in a cycle of feeling & reexamination until you have reached the plateau at which time you have developed & farmed the communication on equal terms & agreed by both both parties that are a serious couple within the framework that you have mutually agreed upon. Then & only then do you attempt to enfold others into the mix so as not to disturb the salad. In the meantime think positive thoughts & you will with practice have positive achievements based upon your ability to assess your abilities and demonstrate them to others. This way sooner than later others will notice you & at this time you need to remember to cultivate these relationships with potential available mates, it usually comes as a great shock, but if you're interested in someone it is best to make it known while preserving the privacy & social standing of any potential mate so that the spark is not diminished or squashed in the stampede toward each other. The first thing you have to do is develop serious friendships of which you begin to list potential mates from. Making this list does not in any way express any rights or privileges & I have no time for you if you interfere with that rule of humanity. Then as these relationships bloom ask yourself which of these persons would you feel comfortable with for the significant future & be honest with yourself in expressing your intentions or you will live with the results. Narrow the list down to some serious selections & Cultivate accordingly by demonstrating who, what & how you like to live your life. Show solid hints as to what you are all about, that means don't act like somebody else unless you want the person you are interested in to date them instead of you. Movie stars are single also, & if you sell them hard enough you may just find yourself holding the tickets without a date. This means be yourself. Make sure you give them the space & time to form some good opinions about you, if they are sincere & truly interested in you they will leave hints for you & you should find out in short order. Don't forget to act on those persuasions when the time comes. Else you find yourself with chapeau in hand.

Hiya Dennis, I know that you are like me not only looking for some reasonable answers & perspective from which we can hopefully learn & grow in some prosperous direction so that even we can try to enjoy our lives to the fullest. I am also a fairly bright intelligent loving & caring upbeat person & a single lesbian mom of an adult son. Now hold on & try to understand the dynamics of a relationship so as to grasp the decisions that people make daily. First society as a whole is trained on who, what & how we select our significant others from the time we are born & even as far back as being able to feel love & warmth while in the womb. With that I will simply state that I am also hoping to gain some NEW PERSPETIVE & insight into this modern dating scene with the hopes of traversing the bridge between love & our disabilities with the strong desire to form long lasting relationships. This chat can be really helpful in learning the skills necessary to build the framework from which we will attempt to reach out & form our futures with others but also for some serious bonding with like minded people. Women of the Generation X are taught from early child development to seek advice from their male peers & of course after a reasonable amount of interaction they begin to develop a trust which is a bond between two people from which it is a fairly easy step for a single available person amorous person to begin to seek out a mate & of course this person becomes the easiest & most likely person for this bond to take place with, once they have demonstrated the ability to overlook a person's disability through daily interaction and the two of you have made progress including trusting each other with personal safety The second step is a simple matter of a little luck & some timing on the part of the person with the disability, at this crucial time which comes around approximately each 4 month cycle you have a better than average chance of gaining the closer relationship that you are seeking. Note: Human relationships generally evolve or dissolve in 4 month cycles. The thing is that most people do not know or understand the dynamics of these four month cycles & therefore do not utilize the fact that they have already passed the inspection process so they simply don't know that they are ALLOWED to take that next step, which is to within legally acceptable means to carefully & which all due respect move into that sacred space of trust & desirability while expanding upon that fragile moment & attempt to demonstrate your sincere ability & desire to form a higher relationship & build upon what you already have developed with each other. All good long lasting relationships begin with TRUST as the foundation from which to build. The rest is simple communication & expressing your desire while in a cycle of feeling & reexamination until you have reached the plateau at which time you have developed & farmed the communication on equal terms & agreed by both both parties that are a serious couple within the framework that you have mutually agreed upon. Then & only then do you attempt to enfold others into the mix so as not to disturb the salad. In the meantime think positive thoughts & you will with practice have positive achievements based upon your ability to assess your abilities and demonstrate them to others. This way sooner than later others will notice you & at this time you need to remember to cultivate these relationships with potential available mates, it usually comes as a great shock, but if you're interested in someone it is best to make it known while preserving the privacy & social standing of any potential mate so that the spark is not diminished or squashed in the stampede toward each other. The first thing you have to do is develop serious friendships of which you begin to list potential mates from. Making this list does not in any way express any rights or privileges & I have no time for you if you interfere with that rule of humanity. Then as these relationships bloom ask yourself which of these persons would you feel comfortable with for the significant future & be honest with yourself in expressing your intentions or you will live with the results. Narrow the list down to some serious selections & Cultivate accordingly by demonstrating who, what & how you like to live your life. Show solid hints as to what you are all about, that means don't act like somebody else unless you want the person you are interested in to date them instead of you. Movie stars are single also, & if you sell them hard enough you may just find yourself holding the tickets without a date. This means be yourself. Make sure you give them the space & time to form some good opinions about you, if they are sincere & truly interested in you they will leave hints for you & you should find out in short order. Don't forget to act on those persuasions when the time comes. Else you find yourself with chapeau in hand.

Dates, lost those many years ago. I was in a long term relationship for 8 years, since then I have only dated 2 men!
I am just too tired to go out late at night. I might get out to the beach once in a long while. I am really frustrated with the whole being sick all the time. My RA is pretty bad, I also have one other type of arthritis which is as bad or worse. I don't find men want to hear about health problems, they say things like, oh you will feel better soon....stupid things people say and I am sure they think are suportive? I have had bad pain for 25 years, doesn't get better only worse. When do you tell someone you are seeing? Even for girlfriends seems to be an issue, I don't understand why? Kelitjm

Wow! I certainly did not expect all these responses. Thank you all, for your insights, and support! I had no idea how many others have the very same problems with dating? I thought i was alone with this problem? Now i see i am not.

When i introduce myself to others, they see i limp, therefore, the questions of what i do for a living. Now however, i do have a job, and have been on two dates. One ended badly, the other went very well. This, i think anyway, proves my point? Women around where i live, want only the men with jobs. I am honest at all times, no matter what the cost. When asked what i do, i tell the truth. That is the only way i can be. I've lied in the past, and it has hurt, or destroyed every relationship i have ever had. No more dishonesty, period!

Yes, i am working now! I have a job as a pilot car driver. What i do is, escort oversized semi loads. Either i am out in front, or i am bringing up the rear. It is a killer for my back, but i am so tired of being alone, i am willing to put up with it. Perhaps, when someone takes a chance, and gets to know me, i will be able to say that i am retired? Until that time, i see no alternative. I do like the job, but it really kills me to sit there hour after hour. The last run i had, was accross three states. At the end of each day, i was hurting so bad! Will i, or should i quit? Not a chance! This is the first job anyone was willing to hire me for. No, i cant quit.

This is my fervant wish for all chronic pain sufferers everywhere; that you find that special someone, who will be caring and compassionate, and will give you the love you so rightly deserve!!!

Again, thank you all soooo much!!! Dennis