Helping my mom and saving my parent's marriage
An_246495 posted:
My mother has suffered with chronic stomach pain for over 6 years now due to scar tissue resulting from multiple abdomen surgeries. The pain has left her unable to work or join any groups for fear that she will be unable to fulfill her commitments. Her days are spent almost entirely on the couch either sleeping or watching TV. When she can she might clean around the house or drive down the street to see her parents but most of the time there is little to fill her days.
The pain and resulting limitations keeping her trapped at home have caused her to have a lot of depression, despite being on depression meds. I think getting out of the house would help but I don't know what she can do. The last few groups she joined ended up adding to the depression because she often had to call in and cancel a meeting and she felt that she was letting the other members down. I looked for a chronic pain support group nearby but the closest one was over 3 hours aways.
To make matters worse the depression and the pain have made her into a different person and six years of this has put a real strain on my parents marriage. My father tries to understand but he feels like she has become an entirely different woman and they both feel as though the other is ignoring them and doesn't understand their position. He spends a lot of time out of the house to escape the heavy atmosphere and she is always either in her room or, when she is out on the couch, asleep during the day. I honestly have no idea what to do anymore and though I don't think my parents would divorce it feels a lot like they are separated even when they are together.
I'd like to know how all of you deal with similar problems and if you have any suggestions for how to get my old mom back and maybe help to save their failing marriage. Neither particularly want to involve me in their marital problems but since I've returned home after graduating last may it's impossible to miss how bad things have really gotten. I don't know if I should try talking to them either separately or together, where to begin or even if it wouldn't make things worse. I really believe that if my mom could beat the depression and learn to cope with her pain better we could start to move forward. I'd like for my dad to be better able to understand what she's going through and how she feels as well. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks for your help.
The pain and resulting limitations keeping her trapped at home have caused her to have a lot of depression, despite being on depression meds. I think getting out of the house would help but I don't know what she can do. The last few groups she joined ended up adding to the depression because she often had to call in and cancel a meeting and she felt that she was letting the other members down. I looked for a chronic pain support group nearby but the closest one was over 3 hours aways.
To make matters worse the depression and the pain have made her into a different person and six years of this has put a real strain on my parents marriage. My father tries to understand but he feels like she has become an entirely different woman and they both feel as though the other is ignoring them and doesn't understand their position. He spends a lot of time out of the house to escape the heavy atmosphere and she is always either in her room or, when she is out on the couch, asleep during the day. I honestly have no idea what to do anymore and though I don't think my parents would divorce it feels a lot like they are separated even when they are together.
I'd like to know how all of you deal with similar problems and if you have any suggestions for how to get my old mom back and maybe help to save their failing marriage. Neither particularly want to involve me in their marital problems but since I've returned home after graduating last may it's impossible to miss how bad things have really gotten. I don't know if I should try talking to them either separately or together, where to begin or even if it wouldn't make things worse. I really believe that if my mom could beat the depression and learn to cope with her pain better we could start to move forward. I'd like for my dad to be better able to understand what she's going through and how she feels as well. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks for your help.
Take the Poll
Should I try to talk to my parents about the problems they are facing?
- Talk to them individually.
- Talk to them together.
- Don't get involved at all.
4 Replies |Watch This Discussion | Report This| Share this:Helping my mom and saving my parent's marriageMy mother has suffered with chronic stomach pain for over 6 years now due to scar tissue resulting from multiple abdomen surgeries. The pain has left her unable to work or join any groups for fear that she will be unable to fulfill her commitments. Her days are spent almost entirely on the couch either sleeping or watching TV. When she can she might clean around the house or drive down the street to see her parents but most of the time there is little to fill her days. <br /><br />The pain and resulting limitations keeping her trapped at home have caused her to have a lot of depression, despite being on depression meds. I think getting out of the house would help but I don't know what she can do. The last few groups she joined ended up adding to the depression because she often had to call in and cancel a meeting and she felt that she was letting the other members down. I looked for a chronic pain support group nearby but the closest one was over 3 hours aways. <br /><br />To make matters worse the depression and the pain have made her into a different person and six years of this has put a real strain on my parents marriage. My father tries to understand but he feels like she has become an entirely different woman and they both feel as though the other is ignoring them and doesn't understand their position. He spends a lot of time out of the house to escape the heavy atmosphere and she is always either in her room or, when she is out on the couch, asleep during the day. I honestly have no idea what to do anymore and though I don't think my parents would divorce it feels a lot like they are separated even when they are together. <br /><br />I'd like to know how all of you deal with similar problems and if you have any suggestions for how to get my old mom back and maybe help to save their failing marriage. Neither particularly want to involve me in their marital problems but since I've returned home after graduating last may it's impossible to miss how bad things have really gotten. I don't know if I should try talking to them either separately or together, where to begin or even if it wouldn't make things worse. I really believe that if my mom could beat the depression and learn to cope with her pain better we could start to move forward. I'd like for my dad to be better able to understand what she's going through and how she feels as well. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. <br /><br />Thanks for your help.
caspertab responded:
What about suggesting her volunteering? I have chronic pain and find volunteering to be very rewarding and bring happiness in my life. I volunteer at a school; a Senior Center, an animal shelter and the Epilepsy Association. Agencies especially with today's economy depend on volunteers since their staff is so low. A volunteer can say when they want to volunteer and for how long. Maybe if she tried the first time just a short amount of time and gradually work up to a little longer. We all need a purpose to our lives and if she can make that first step,she will find enjoyment and the family will notice a great improvement. If you enter your zip code on the AARP web site for volunteering, they will give you places to select from close to your house. Good luck.
Report This| Share this:Helping my mom and saving my parent's marriageWhat about suggesting her volunteering? I have chronic pain and find volunteering to be very rewarding and bring happiness in my life. I volunteer at a school; a Senior Center, an animal shelter and the Epilepsy Association. Agencies especially with today's economy depend on volunteers since their staff is so low. A volunteer can say when they want to volunteer and for how long. Maybe if she tried the first time just a short amount of time and gradually work up to a little longer. We all need a purpose to our lives and if she can make that first step,she will find enjoyment and the family will notice a great improvement. If you enter your zip code on the AARP web site for volunteering, they will give you places to select from close to your house. Good luck.
annette030 replied to caspertab's response:
Ditto!! I totally agree with caspertab on this one. When I could no longer volunteer for as long as I wished, I changed to a hour a week at our local animal shelter taking dogs who were in the adoption kennel outside to go potty. Some weeks I am so sure I won't make it, but it is only for a short time, and I do it anyway. They adore us, both the dogs and the paid staff!!!
Your mom might be able to call other shut ins from her home and check on them once a day on the phone. A parish nurse once told me about that. That is always a good way to get started in volunteering. My community has a line you can call and sign up for one time opportunities or once a month-week-day. Whatever your time allows for.
As long as she is honest about her abilities she should do fine.
Take care, Annette
Your mom might be able to call other shut ins from her home and check on them once a day on the phone. A parish nurse once told me about that. That is always a good way to get started in volunteering. My community has a line you can call and sign up for one time opportunities or once a month-week-day. Whatever your time allows for.
As long as she is honest about her abilities she should do fine.
Take care, Annette
Report This| Share this:Helping my mom and saving my parent's marriageDitto!! I totally agree with caspertab on this one. When I could no longer volunteer for as long as I wished, I changed to a hour a week at our local animal shelter taking dogs who were in the adoption kennel outside to go potty. Some weeks I am so sure I won't make it, but it is only for a short time, and I do it anyway. They adore us, both the dogs and the paid staff!!!<br /><br />Your mom might be able to call other shut ins from her home and check on them once a day on the phone. A parish nurse once told me about that. That is always a good way to get started in volunteering. My community has a line you can call and sign up for one time opportunities or once a month-week-day. Whatever your time allows for.<br /><br />As long as she is honest about her abilities she should do fine.<br /><br />Take care, Annette
An_246419 replied to annette030's response:
To annette030 I assume you had the poll about talking to parents? I am a retired social worker and have done a lot of couseling of couples. Since I did not see your problem, I do not know what you are talking to them about, but my past experience would be to do both. Talk individually first to find out what each thinks and then both together. Many times a person will say something to you individually that they will not say in front of a significant other. Once you know how they feel then together you can bring up things and help the shyer one express their feeling, without saying that it was them saying it.
Of course if you know them and you think getting involved will turn one or both against you then maybe it is best not to get too involved and wait to help support them emotionally when things get bad? Each situation is different and you have to use your own judgement. Good luck.
Of course if you know them and you think getting involved will turn one or both against you then maybe it is best not to get too involved and wait to help support them emotionally when things get bad? Each situation is different and you have to use your own judgement. Good luck.
Report This| Share this:Helping my mom and saving my parent's marriageTo annette030 I assume you had the poll about talking to parents? I am a retired social worker and have done a lot of couseling of couples. Since I did not see your problem, I do not know what you are talking to them about, but my past experience would be to do both. Talk individually first to find out what each thinks and then both together. Many times a person will say something to you individually that they will not say in front of a significant other. Once you know how they feel then together you can bring up things and help the shyer one express their feeling, without saying that it was them saying it. <br />Of course if you know them and you think getting involved will turn one or both against you then maybe it is best not to get too involved and wait to help support them emotionally when things get bad? Each situation is different and you have to use your own judgement. Good luck.
annette030 replied to An_246419's response:
Great advice, but it wasn't my poll. I only agreed about the volunteering.
Take care, Annette
Take care, Annette
Report This| Share this:Helping my mom and saving my parent's marriageGreat advice, but it wasn't my poll. I only agreed about the volunteering.<br /><br />Take care, Annette
Featuring Experts
David N. Maine, MD is the director of the Center for Interventional Pain Medicine at Mercy Medical Center in Baltimore. Maine graduated with a degree ...More
Helpful Tips
Every Chronic Pain Patient Needs to READ THIS!!!
There is a group of thirty seven Doctors, Companies. and Researchers that are petitioning the FDA to change the labels on Opiates so that ... More
Was this Helpful?
27
of
31 found this helpful
Related News
Report Problems to the
Food and Drug Administration
You are encouraged to report negative side effects of prescription drugs to the FDA. Visit the FDA MedWatch website or call 1-800-FDA-1088.
Other Pain Management Information
More Related Communities
The opinions expressed in WebMD User-generated content areas like communities, reviews, ratings, or blogs are solely those of the User, who may or may not have medical or scientific training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of WebMD. User-generated content areas are not reviewed by a WebMD physician or any member of the WebMD editorial staff for accuracy, balance, objectivity, or any other reason except for compliance with our Terms and Conditions. Some of these opinions may contain information about treatments or uses of drug products that have not been approved by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration. WebMD does not endorse any specific product, service, or treatment.
Do not consider WebMD User-generated content as medical advice. Never delay or disregard seeking professional medical advice from your doctor or other qualified healthcare provider because of something you have read on WebMD. You should always speak with your doctor before you start, stop, or change any prescribed part of your care plan or treatment. WebMD understands that reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment from a qualified health care provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor or dial 911 immediately.
Health Solutions From Our Sponsors
About WebMD Advertise With Us Terms of Use Privacy Policy Sponsor Policy Site Map Careers Contact Us
First Aid WebMD Magazine WebMD Health Record WebMD Mobile Newsletters Dictionary Physician Directory
©2005-2013 WebMD, LLC. All rights reserved.
WebMD does not provide medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. See additional information.