I have been dealing with chronic pain for 6.5 years and I'm about at my wits end. I have never received an official diagnosis and try not to get discouraged by this. But it's HARD.
I was a tennis player who played up to 10hrs/week. I was a cyclist who rode 25-30 miles at a time/2-3 days a week. I'm competitive, but love to do it for the fun. I haven't missed my sports, soccer included, as bad as I have the past couple of weeks. I'm HATING spending most of my days lying on the couch. Watching Animal Planet, Sci-Fi, most recently (probably why I'm so bummed): the Olympics. I used to be an ameteur skateboarder. I flew down stairs and rode as fast as I could down hills. The rush I got from all these sports I loved was incomparable to anything I've ever experienced; much like the feeling displayed on athelete's faces as they push themselves to the limit while millions watch.
I would trade anything, especially the handful of med's, to get back to that place. I don't accept that I'll never return there. I just can't. I also can't accept that 20+ doctors cannot figure out why I have chronic pain in my leg, on my sit bone, SI joint, buttock, down the leg. Recently it has caused a pinching pain in my low back. That "insignificant disc bulge at L-5,S1 is not that bad", according to the docs. "Arthritis in (my) SI joint is common and no cause for concern"...
Well doc, IT F-kin' hurts! I was riding my bike one day, slipped off the pedal and crashed on the seat from a standing position...not a big deal, so I rode another 25 miles. It happened twice. I kept riding and playing Tennis. I had a 9-5 deal where I was expected to sit before a computer all day. I hated sitting. Dealt with some awful burning pain down the leg, in my crotch, for about 2 months until my boss forced me to go to urgent care...that was the death of me. I NEVER imagined I would still be in this much pain years later.
Sometimes I feel like my docs are my opponent. My family no longer cheers me on. My team consist of a 4 yr old and a wonderful spouse of whom shouldn't be asked to take on such a burden. Sometimes I wish I could suffer in silence. I'll take pain over imposition any day. These boys are the light of my life. Well, what's left of it.
I'm no longer planning competitions, play dates nor family vacations. I'm a slave to the medication but still can't function on an acceptable level. If I state this, I "must be seeking a fix", or "must be in need of more drugs"...
Well, f-U medical community. Gimme back my bike. Gimme my tennis racket and some balls. Gimme a chance to play on the floor with my son. I want to clean my house!! I want to go to work. I want to go to the beach.
If only I could be as determined as those athelete's competing in the Olympics. That's what I want. Not another doc appointment. Not another pill.
If only my family (extended) could understand what it's like to be so stuck. None of them have ever felt this way, yet they are convinced it's in my head. So weeks, months, a year goes by and my son grows older; yet hardly any phone calls, only guilt-coated comments they breathe my way as if I wasn't suffering enough. No wonder my dad "checked out" after 26 yrs of chronic pain/Fibro/CFS.
I would never cause such devestation to my family, but the lack of support is enough to drive anyone mad.
So I ask, why me?? Why not my sister, or brother? I wouldn't wish this on anyone, but I cannot accept that this is a life sentence. I refuse to. Yes it sucks. Maybe I've become a stronger person for it all....but Christ!! Lessons learned! Let me move on!
I wonder if anyone else feels like the dark cloud hovering over the hopes, dreams and aspirations that every healthy individual within their family circles? They always forecast a dark day where I am concerned so avoidance, like an umbrella, protects them from me. GEESH!! All I did was push myself as hard as I could. I am an athelete. I have to get back in the game! HELP!