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Mother vs MIL issues
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An_222860 posted:
My mother watches my son and my nephew 3 days a week, and my MIL watches my son the other 2 days a week while my husband and I work full time. We are VERY lucky and fortunate to have them watch our DS... My mother is very rebellious when it comes to my opinion on how I want my son to be watched and taken care of... I want what every new mom wants. I want my son to be looked after, and loved, and I am paticular on his diet, and sleep patterns. My parenting style is Attachment Parenting, and my mother's attitude about how I want her to watch my son is too lax.... In her mind, she thinks "You and your brother turned out just fine, so I must have done something right". She refuses to pay attention to his cues when he's hungry, or when he's tired. She pretty much has him on "HER" schedule.... at home, we are very in tune with my son, we know what he wants, when he wants it and he's a happy kid.... All my mother does is complain about how unhappy my son is at her place, and how he constantly wants her to hold him, etc....
My MIL on the otherhand... does exactly what we ask her to, but.... when we tell her not to do certain things... such as; We want to ween him off of his lunch bottle of milk, she continued to give it to him. When we wanted her to stop rocking him in the rocking chair to put him down for a nap, she didn't. When we told her to just pay him down in his crib and let him cry til he fell asleep (which lasts literally for 30 seconds), she hesitates putting him down for a nap... becasue in her head, she doesn't want to be associated with being "the mean grandma for letting him cry". When it's my husband and I on the weekends watching him and putting him down for his naps.... my son for the majority of the time does not cry at all.... but if he does, it usually lasts for 10-30 seconds, and then he rolls over and goes right to sleep.... We want to keep everything consistent.... and I'm just surprised at how much my own mother defies me.... and I've had conversations with her letting her know I feel she doesn't respect me as a mom.... and how I would like her to basically be second best to me...
Anyone else have an opinion on this?
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MIOB responded:
For a while, my sister and her kids moved in with my parents while she was going through a divorce. During that time, I remember my mom saying to me that while she loves the kids and loves having them in the house, at some point she just 'wants to be grandma'. She didn't want the role of disciplinarian or primary caregiver. She wanted to go back to spoiling the kids rotten when she's got them and doing all the fun things associated with going to Grandma's house.

I wonder if your mom and MIL are in the same predicament. Not that they don't want to take care of your LO, but they want to do it as grandma and not daycare provider.

I know when my LO goes to my mom's house, he's not going to get the same treatment - he pretty much rules the roost. And I let them get away with it because for us, it's the occasional dinner out or trip to the hair salon, not his regular routine. I don't think you're alone in it and it's a struggle many parents have when the grandparent's serve that role.

For us, that's actually one of the main reasons he's in daycare. My home daycare provider listens to how I want him handled and I was lucky enough to find one who follows my parenting philosophy naturally.

Either way, if you have a mother and MIL with strong personalities and aren't going to change and if you feel very strongly that your LO isn't being raised the way you want, you may want to find an alternate arrangement. It's a tough one. Good luck and I'll keep my fingers crossed!
 
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lenono97 replied to MIOB's response:
I think MIOB makes a lot of sense. I too get "free" daycare from my mother and mother in law. For the most part it has gone well. Sometimes I have to remind my mother how my husband and I like something done or to stop giving her so many snacks. However, I too have started to wonder how long this arrangement can last. It might not hurt to start looking at other arrangements. Good luck.
 
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sarahaguirre responded:
My MIL and Mom take turns watching DD during the week while we work. I agree with the PP. I think maybe they're having a hard time being the diciplinarian.

I've learned that it is FREE daycare and I can't always expect them do everything the way I'd like to. I guess what I'm suggesting is just for you to pick your battles.

For example:

My mom likes to leave DD in her pj's all day and change right before DH picks her up for the day. Yes, it does kind of bother me but over all it's not a big deal. It is very important for me that DD does not get very much if any juice during the day (if it was up to my mom that's all she'd drink) so I politely asked her to encourage DD to drink more water(I also mad ethe excuse that it's getting hotter outside and i want her to stay hydrated) and brought over a few gallons of puried water. She respected that and that's what she does now.

I think that if you want a stricter schedule then maybe daycare would be your best bet. I always remember that DD is in a loving environment with grandma's who mean well. In general everyone has their own parenting style. Things will vary from place to place when it comes to babysitting. I say let the smaller things slide and the REALLY important things should be brought up in the most sensative way possible. Good Luck!
 
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jlcohen78 replied to sarahaguirre's response:
I agree wholeheartedly with sarahaguirre.

My mom and step-mom take turns watching both of my DC while I work in the mornings. It really is about picking my battles. When they aren't doing things the way I would like, I don't necessarily think they are intentionally defying me. They just do things differently and it's no worse for the wear in my situation. But in saying that, I've always felt respected as a parent by my mom and step-mom. If I didn't have that respect then things would be much different.
 
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ad1978 replied to jlcohen78's response:
I feel for you...just so you know though, I use daycare, and they don't exactly do things the way I do either :) Since it isn't one-on-one, they can't really give her the exact attention I do at home, but they truly try their best.

I sometimes get upset knowing that I would do a much better job with LO at home (b/c I'm her mommy!). But then again, maybe exposing our LOs to different people with different styles could be good for them. Though I know babies thrive on consistency, there is also something to be said for kids learning to adapt.

I agree with others about picking your battles. I don't think either grandma will ultimately change her overall style, but they can change some specifics which are dear to your heart. Good luck!!


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