Parenting: 1-Year-Olds Community

I didn't watch it because those kinds of reality shows just really don't interest me that much. But I did see them on the Today show last week. Just weird to me. I just saw something on AOL news that was interesting though. Apparently because they are being so public about everything, what with the reality tv show an all, lol, the police are investigating because, shocker, polygamy is ILLEGAL! It said that in Utah, even though it's illegal it's not usually investigated, but because of the show, they kind of had to investigate. Might not be a very long running show.

OK, so I watched it last night and overall I liked the show but I think that the whole idea is so forgeign and the complete opposite of anything I would ever want for myself so I am really fascinated by it.

I think that the husband's decision now to bring in another wife after all these years and completely change the family dynamic seems like a disaster waiting to happen. Plus, in my opinion there is sort of a creepy factor to the whole thing and part of me with my wild imagination can see the polygamist husbands hanging out in a "clubhouse" (Think Stepford Wives...) laughing together about how they can be borderline weirdos and still have a houseful of women clamoring for their attention. Sort of like The Bachelor but nobody gets sent home, LOL!

I like the way their house is designed and think it is smart for each of the wives to have their own complete space to be with their kids and the husband when it is their turn to be with him. I noticed that each apartment is decorated according to each wife's style and is like a normal house except for the doors and hallways connecting their apartment to the other wives. I know it is a TV show and not always the best representation of real life but it seems like they all get along pretty well together and all pitch in with the other wives' kids as well.

However...being a woman and pretty realistic I don't see how they can really be 100% OK with sharing their husband with 2 (and possibly 3) other women. Generally, women are naturally pretty competitive and territorial, especially when it comes to their significant other and their children. I think it is easy to kind of "force" the wives into burying and denying the hurt and jealousy this kind of arrangement can cause by saying it is brought on by a lack of faith and further the competiton to be the most spiritually sound wife by acting like this is all just fine when it isn't. (if that makes any sense...) Nobody wants to come right out and say that they have needs that are not being met emotionally by this arrangement and it kills them to share their husband because saying so will make them feel like they are sinning in some way for not having faith and being so selfish.

On top of that, the polygamist community is so tight-knit and closed off and I understand that is partly because mainstream society does not understand the lifestyle and will ostracize them. However, they are so sheltered and closed-off that I think they get to a point where they don't know anything else but the polygamist lifestyle and stepping out of that will put them into an environment that is so foreign to them they fear they will never really adapt.

DH watched it with me and we were laughing (but I was serious) that I would be the wife listening at the door when he was with another one, yelling, "Hey! You don't make that sound when you are with me! Do you like her better? What are you doing in there?" LOL

I actually had a dream last night that DH proposed to a second wife to join us last night and the first thing I did was check to make sure her engagement ring wasn't bigger than mine!

I too did not watch the show but I just wanted to let you know that there is a LifeTime movie called The 19th Wife that I did watch. In this movie there is one family that the husband refuses to take a second wife and then there's another family that the husband has 19 wives and he is murdered. Anyway, I won't spoil any of the plot in case someone wants to see it but I did find some things interesting. I don't know how realistic this movie was but basically the leader was telling the women lies. For example, after the husband is murdered the leader of the community says that he will marry all of the 19 wives in order that they will go to heaven. In their beliefs a unwed woman can not get to heaven. So to me, this kind of lifestyle the woman are brain washed into it and are scared to get out.

What makes me wonder, if there are so few men and so many woman don't they start marrying relatives? I know in the movie the man with 19 wives wants to take one of his daughters as a wife. It's so gross! Honestly, are the men in these communities complete horn dogs?

These are just my feelings based on the movie. Apparently there is a book called The 19th Wife written by Bringham Young's 19th wife who ecscaped the community. I'm now interested in reading that.

Just for the record, I would never do this. I can't imagine doing it. I couldn't share DH and I know he couldn't handle more than one of me!

There is more than one type of polygamist community, if that makes sense. There's the compound, arranged marriage, underage girls/old men type. And there's the type more like this one: appearing completely normal, working in the "real" world, 100% voluntary.

I have a HUGE problem with the first type. I don't think any girl/woman should ever be forced into a marriage, no matter what the supposed reason is. I am very religious, but would immediatly question my leaders if they tried to "force" anything on me- especially something as important as marriage. And, yes, I am LDS (mormon).

Honestly, however, I don't see why type two is illegal. He is only legally married to one woman and married only in the eyes of God to the other wives. Although I couldn't do it, I don't see how it's different than a man with a wife and kids at home while he has an affair or affairs with any ready and willing woman. At least he is taking an active part in the lives of all of his children and financially supporting them. The situation is much more stable than, for example, my cousin's. She has been married 5 times and had children with two different men (one of which was not a husband). Her twins grew up calling multiple men dad, and then having them abandon them. That is more disturbing to me. I'm not saying every situation with half siblings is "disturbing." I am only speaking of my cousin's situation.

Also, my DH has a good friend in Utah that married a girl from a polygamist family. She converted to the LDS church and does not practice polygamy. Her family has no problem with the fact that she chose not to live the lifestyle.

Jen, I am 100% with you!!! I would be completely jealous, and I am insanely jealous even thinking about DH wanting another woman in our life. Just like Breezy though, my DH said he can hardly handle me and DD's emotions and definitely would never want another wife.

DH watched this show, partly because he said (i'm quoting this), "This is how every man wants to live in their teenage years. Its interesting to see how men actually get to live out their childhood fantasy's. However, in the real world, once a man marries his 1st wife, he learns that all you women do is b****. This guy either doesn't listen to the b****ing, or he just wants to see how much he can get laid in one week." I still love my DH though!!! I still smacked him, playfully for grouping all women together in that category.

Breezy, I hate to put you on the spot and if you don't know the answer, sorry for asking, but I am guessing you know, because you seem to know a lot.

Now, this guy Kody, said he was a Fundamentalist Mormon, which I realize is different from LDS, your religion, but do you guys basically believe the same thing minus the polygamy, or are the basics the same and they are just broken off because they wanted to believe things differently? I'm trying to think of a way to ask the next question without sounding bad but do LDS Mormons dislike Fundamentalist Mormans for choosing a different lifestyle? I know dislike is not the best word, but I cannot think of an alternative at the moment, but I hope you understand what I mean.

As far as the 2 types of polygamists, are they all Fundamentalist Mormons, or is it another religion? I've said before, I try not to judge, but I do not understand how someone could force a younger teenage girl to marry an older man and be that "19th" wife. You can never force anyone to fall in love with someone else, and it's just wrong to me to force someone to do something they don't want to. On the show, these woman choose to be in this relationship because they want to, they made it clear its not something that was forced on them, and they want the same for their children too.

As far as the 2nd type, like on the show, I'm curious how healthcare works. I assume since he's legally married to wife #1, that she gets healthcare, and I assume all of the kids get healthcare, but what about wife #2 and #3? Or do the employers recognize them as wives? You most likely don't know the answer to that question, but that's my pondering, and overthinking the situation.

Thank you... you just seem really knowledgable, and if you don't know the answer/don't want to answer, that's fine. I know sometimes its not easy to answer questions about your religion. (And sorry for any typos... I'm at work trying to type as fast as possible between calls.)

I know this question wasn't for me, but the healthcare benefit likely applies only to the legal spouse. Unless there are employers who just want to spend the money on more spouses--I guess they could, but I doubt most employers would do that.

I also wanted to point out that this is only just one religion which may force marriage...there are many other countries/culture/religions with arranged (ie "forced") marriages. I don't agree with it, but it is definitely a huge part of our world.

I'll do my best! I don't know all the answers, but I'll see what I can do I don't mind answering questions about my religion. I don't profess to know it all, but I'm always willing to discuss my beliefs.

In the early years of the LDS church (Joseph Smith, Brigham Young years), we did practice polygamy. I have ancestors that were polygamists. This came at a time of horrible prosecution towards church members. Many church members were beaten, tortured, and killed. The church as a whole was forced to move from place to place trying to find an area that would not prosecute the members. There was also a much larger number of female members than male members. When the church was kicked out of Nauvoo, everyone was forced to trek west to Utah. Many in the dead of winter. Polygamy enabled more women and children to be "taken care of" during heavy prosecution and the long trek. It wasn't widely practiced. Very few of the men actually had multiple wives. They also couldn't request it. The men asked to live it were capable of supporting more than one wife. The women were not forced- free will is a big part of our religion, and to take away free will is akin to following Satan's plan. I doubt "love" was involved in all the marriages, but many marriages at this time were more for necessity than love, so I'm not sure it was as big of an issue for them as it is for us.

After the murder of Joseph Smith, Emma, his first wife, chose to remain in Nauvoo. She had lived through persecutions and losses beyond those most of us can imagine, and had reached her limit. A trek just wasn't in her. She also believed that the role of prophet should be passed down to her son- not Brigham Young. The Reorganized LDS (RLDS) church was formed at this time. I think they recently changed their name, but I don't know what it is now. They do not practice polygamy.

As far as I know, the FLDS church came into being around the time Utah became a state. The LDS church stopped practicing polygamy around this time, so that they could become a state. Brigham Young, the first governor, still had his wives, but he married no more after this time, and no other plural marriages were performed. I'm really not sure how many sects of FLDS there are, or what they all call themselves, but I know there are different ones.

I don't live in an area where there are current practicing polygamists. I am in eastern Idaho, most polygamists are in Salt Lake or further south. I do know that there are a lot of "closet polygamists." People who practice it, but are so "normal" that most peole don't even know it. I have no idea how healthcare works. I assume all of the kids and wife one could fall under his, wife 2 has her own job and healthcare, but I suppose wife 3 probably has her own policy. I'd never even thought of that! It all just seems too complicated!

My church does not see the FLDS (or other off shoots) any different than the rest of the world. We may understand the history of why they follow polygamy a little better than some, but we see it how most see it. It's unfathomable to us- even if we accept that it was "right" in the early church. We mostly just want to make it clear that there is a difference- some people think all "mormons" still practice polygomy.

We think it's wrong to force anyone, especially young girls, into marriage. We also see sleeping with more than your legal spouse as being unfaithful. Someone could not practice this and stay a member of my church. They would be excommunicated.

I hope that helped!

Thank you for the great information. I think you are right that a lot of society associates all Mormons with polygamy. While I knew there were differences, I think at least where I live, people are too naive and associate all Mormons with the compound in Texas that was raided. However, it seems like there are some vast differences. I especially didn't know the stance that was taken on polygamy. I guess I assumed that it would've been something like, "Well, we understand where they're coming from, but we don't like it." type of thing. (Which is why I asked of course.

I didn't mean to put you on the spot, but I definitely understand better now! The history of polygamy in your church is interesting to the fact that I would've never guessed it was to help everyone keep from being persecuted. They had every right to be able to flee from being mistreated, beaten and killed.

I think I've learned more in the past week than I have in the past year. Thank you so much for sharing!!!! (I will try not to ask you a whole bunch of questions again and I still have a whole bunch of questions just about your religion because I lived a sheltered life growing up and never got to learn about different beliefs or even lifestyles for that matter). Thank you again!!!!!

You aren't bothering me! Don't even worry about it

If you can find it, there's an awesome post on the 3 year old board where multiple women stated what religion they are and what they believe. It was very informative, and very tastefully done- no fighting. You'd be surprised at the variety!

I will definitely check it out!!! I am actually very proud of us as a board, because recently we've been able to keep out the negative comments. I know there for a while it was very very mean, and I think it put off a lot of people. When I orginally started the discussion a week or two ago I was hoping to keep out the anon posters who just want to say mean comments. I'm very happy that we've all been able to have real conversations without the drama.

Is this a reality show? You all have me intriged now. When is it on?

It is on TLC on Sunday nights, I think at 9 or 10. The first episode is an hour and every episode after that is a half hour.