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OT-So Disappointed
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elegi23 posted:
Well DH's exwife filed a motion last week to make DH sign over his parental rights. He has court December 8th.

I stopped trying to write her every week, and waited about 4 weeks to write her. At work we were enrolling in our benefits for insurance, and I wrote her to ask her DSS ssn so I could put him on our new insurance because it's changing. She writes me back and says, we don't want your insurance, he has Caresource (government insurance) and your insurance is worthless to me. Where's my child support? And why didn't you come to his tball games Saturday at 9am?

I write her back, and pretty much said, well, this is what we're supposed to do is give him insurance. You write me all the time asking for your child support, why don't you ever contact DH? Unless of course you want me to pay you so DD and DSS can play and be brother and sister? What do I have to pay you for DD to see your son? I tried to get off work on those Saturday's but I did provide you with my work schedule. You're going to have to work with me on this a little please, instead of giving me one hour when you know I'm working.
(This sounds a little meaner than what I put, but I'm just shortening it.)

So she has her husband write me back and he puts. You are harassing us. We don't want your ugly a$$ daughter to be in our sons life. Your DH is a low-life scumbag who can't even get a job wiping s*** off my shoe. All you do is talk, and you think you're smart too. You write these stupid things that you think make you sound good, but we never let you take DSS out when you went out because we don't want him seen in public with you. You went to that OSU game, and you didn't bother to invite DSS. You have the money to go to a game that has $150 tickets, but you can't pay us what you owe us? You're a loser. We live in a 120,000 house and you rent. We are taking you to court because you need to leave us alone you piece of s***.

He added some more stuff, but this was the base of it and what is there is word for word,. They went the next day and filed for DH to sign over rights. Now this tball game thing was in September for 4 weeks. I went to 1 of the games and DH went to 2. It was when our car broke down, and I was barely making it to work everyday. We invited him to go with us to a few places we took DD, but we always got turned down. We don't have the money to go out a lot either. As far as the OSU game, my Dad bought me and my little brother tickets for our birthday, and he paid for the parking and food, all I had to do was drive us there. And I don't know why they think I owe them money.

DH has had enough. He is tired of them saying things like that to me. He is ready to sign over his parental rights on the 8th. He goes out every week and fills out 10 apps for jobs, he knows I can't pay his cs anymore.. But he said that they are making it too hard to see DSS, and they won't give us their phone number. He decided he doesn't want me to pay for a lawyer, he's going to take in all of our letters, and say "Hey, we tried, but with bad languange and disrespectfulness to my wife, after she paid my child support for over a year and she is trying to make an arrangement so the kids can play, I'm just not going to try anymore. I'm done with it. My ex has put me down in letters to my wife, she's put down my wife, and we were just trying to do the right thing. I wish there was something you would do, but without me working, even though I'm trying to find a job, you're probably going to make me sign over my rights. So, please don't put me through this and just tell me now what you want."
...CONTINUED BELOW
Me (22), DH(30) DD Eleora Marylin 07/23/09
TTC2 (since 05/10)
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elegi23 responded:
I just need to vent. I know I've talked about this situation before. I don't want DH to sign over rights and he doesn't want to either, but he fears that he's gonna be forced because he doesn't work. He starts college in January, so he is trying to better his life, so he can get a job. All I wanted out of this was for DD to be able to play with her brother. In the past month, I don't know how many interviews DH has been to and then never got the job. I don't want DH to lose all ability for contact with his son. He's such a good father. I knew him when he was married to her too, and he was such a good dad with his son too. I don't know how many times we went over to his house, and she was out partying and he was at home with his son. Not to mention, he's great with DD.

I know that she is owed her child support. I know we've had this discussion before about her, but I'm just so disappointed. I really hope the judge doesn't make him sign over his rights. I am hoping, but doubtful that the judge will read the letters we've wrote back and forth and say, "Hey lady, you are not nice."
Me (22), DH(30) DD Eleora Marylin 07/23/09 TTC2 (since 05/10)
 
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DDK2005 responded:
I would bring every letter that you have written, all telephone call records and ay other supporting documentation that you have tried your best to see DS. The courts will not force him to give up his parental rights without due cause & not being abe to pay child support is not one. You guys needs a lawyer or some kind of counsel if you really want to fight this. I know you dont have the money but there maybe some agency out there to help you. DO NOT sign over his rights if he doesn't want to. You are letting them bully you. Good luck, but at this point I dont think you have a choice but to fight it with a lawyer.
Me: Dee (36), DH: Ken (36), DD: Ava 3/26/09 5lbs 15oz, 19.5 in - at 13mo chk up weighed 18.2lbs
 
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cheeezie25 responded:
I think you have to realize that if you and you DH just paid the child support, NONE of this would be happening. I haven't been on the board much recently, but I have definitely seen you post about this issue before, and then a day or two later, you post aboutstuff you want to buy for/ are buying for your daughter. Venting is not going to help you, if you want to sort this matter out, you need to get your priorities straight and start catching up on your back support, simple as that.
 
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cheeezie25 replied to elegi23's response:
AND, if you feel like your DH and you are a family, then you need to start thinking of your income as a FAMILY resource. If you were a SAHM mom, but had a child from a previous relationship living with his/her father, wouldn't it piss you off if your husband gave you non-stop crap about it? Although the likelihood of that happening is slim since mother's usually get primary custody, you really need to think of it in that way.

And what if one day, you and your DH broke up and he went on to have a family with another woman and stopped paying YOUR child support although it was obvious that his newest child was very well taken care of... would that not infuriate you? It would infuriate me.

I just think you are just looking at this whole issue in a very one sided way, and until you start seeing things for what they are, no good will come of this situation.
 
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cujaybird replied to cheeezie25's response:
They can't make him sign over his rights. He can choose to do that if he wants to give up, but the judge can't make him. And IMO, he needs to be the one talking to and dealing with his ex regarding HIS child, not you. I wouldn't want to deal with my husbands new wife regarding our child, I would want to deal with the father. There's no reason your husband should be putting you in the middle here.
Jamie, (28) Josh, (30) and Leah, born 6-27-09.
 
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elegi23 replied to cheeezie25's response:
DH and I made an agreement when he first lost his job that I would pay child support for one year. Anything after that he had to find a job. He didn't get unemployment, so this was me giving him time to find a job. I thought a year was enough time. But he didn't look for a job. He didn't actually start looking for a job until recently. We had a disagreement because he told me that as long as I was paying his child support he wasn't really going to look for a job. He said he was just too comfortable sitting at home, and because I was paying for everything, he just didn't have any drive to find a job.

So I said absolutely not. I said I'd make the last payment in September, and then going forward not pay anything. Then everything went wrong, I had a car break down (that I'm still paying), DH decided he couldnt' live in the house we were living in anymore, so I had to pay a deposit on a new apt, and move us there so that he was happy. I still pay for some of my Dad's stuff, but not as much anymore. So we barely live paycheck to paycheck right now.

I'm pretty sure I haven't posted that I bought a whole bunch of things, because I haven't. I know we've had a few posts about Christmas toys and clothes, but I haven't bought a single thing for Christmas. I can't afford it. But as far as my DD being taken care of, yes, my daughter comes first. She's mine.

BUT on the subject of my DSS being taken care of I guess I should tell you more of the story, and maybe you will understand my point more. Let's talk about Christmas last year. I bought him some toys, clothes, and a DSi and about $150 in games and accessories. I knew he didn't have one, and what little boy doesn't want one. DH got pictures 5 days later of his exwife taking a hammer to it and breaking it, and DSS in the background bawling. She also said she gave the toys and clothes I bought to the neighbors because she didn't want her son to have anything from us.

Let's talk about his birthday. I got him a $50 gift card at game stop, a $100 gift card at Old Navy, and $50 gift card at Walmart. I don't know what she did with them, but they got spent.

So, in June, I went to his school and got his school supply list. I went out, got all the stuff he needed, and bought him a $50 backpack. I didn't know what size clothes to get him, so I bought him a $300 gift card to Target. DH gets an email with pictures of them burning all the schools supplies and the bookbag, along with a note saying, "We're having a great bonfire, why don't you buy us more stuff to burn." I kept the giftcard number and went and got a receipt printed of the stuff she bought, and she used it to buy baby supplies for her new baby, and clothes for herself. Meanwhile, when we did see DSS, he was wearing clothes that were too small and didn't fit, and shoes that had holes in them. (And this was more than once, it was everytime we saw him)

And as far as her dealing with me, I never wanted that. I wrote her on the premise that I wanted DSS and DD to play and know each other. I NEVER wrote her for DH. I told her that multiple times, but she only writes me and asks for child support. She NEVER contacts DH, unless she's sending him pictures of her breaking/burning stuff. I gave her DH's email and phone number, but everything she says is directed to me.

I do have my priorities straight. My daughter comes first before all others. I haven't bought her anything recently, but I have been working my butt off to pay off my bills so I can give her a Christmas.

I look at this one sided because I don't think you understand what this woman is like. Who calls a baby ugly? Who breaks your son's presents? Who leaves their son in the hospital for 5 days and goes on vacation in FL?
Continued.....
Me (22), DH(30) DD Eleora Marylin 07/23/09 TTC2 (since 05/10)
 
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elegi23 replied to cheeezie25's response:

I have never called her names or been disrespectful to her. I keep all of the letters professional and clear, but she always turns it into what I owe her. Her letters always go: YOU owe me. They don't say your husband owes me. I am bitter about this situation and I have every right to be upset. My first letter to her said, "I really want my daughter to have a relationship with her brother. I know you don't like my husband too much, but I love him. Since you aren't too fond of him, I'm more than happy to meet you outside of him so that the kids can have a relationship. I'm doing this for my daughter because I want whats best for her, I'm not writing you on behalf of their Dad."

She writes me back and put all the reasons she didn't want DH in DSS life. But I make it clear DH had nothing to do with my letter. This is what its been since day one. I say, I want DD and DSS to play. I get back, Where's the child support you owe me? I don't understand what she expects. I asked her if she wanted me to relay messages to DH, and she said no. I've made the effort to buy DSS things, and yes I spend more on my daughter, but I still make that effort. She just wants me to hand her cash.
Me (22), DH(30) DD Eleora Marylin 07/23/09 TTC2 (since 05/10)
 
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Mybaby83 replied to elegi23's response:
WHOA!! Why is this woman so hateful? What kind of mother destroys her child's toys and school supplies? That is absolutely awful! Does she feel like your DH did something to wrong her some horrible, awful, unforgiveable way? This is hurting her child more than you and DH. He will always remember and be traumatized by the time that his mother broke his favorite toy on purpose. What a B. I'm sorry that you are in this situation. Obviously there are always different sides to a story but wow. She needs to stop being selfish and put her child first. I can understand being angry about not getting child support but she needs to protect her child from anything that is going on between the adults. My heart hurts for that boy!
Melissa (26), DH (Ryan), DD (Leah) born 7/8/09
 
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DDK2005 replied to elegi23's response:
I see where you are coming from and I think you are trying to get a relationship going dor your DD sake, but honestly i think that's futile at this point. Any woman who would do that in front of thier child is awful regardless of how she feels about your DH. I hope you have kept all of this so you can bring it to the courts.

I would no longer buy gift cards whatsoever for the DSS. She is using them on her own - why not put it towards actual child support. Now that you're going to court cant you use this time for visitation rights? If she's doing this stuff in front of your DSS God knows what she's doing and saying to him about you and your DH behind closed doors. What a shame! I say focus on paying the child support - it doesn't help anyone not paying it. Its the holidays right now so many stores are hiring for that. If he cant get a stable job tell him to at least get a seasonal one. Good luck!
Me: Dee (36), DH: Ken (36), DD: Ava 3/26/09 5lbs 15oz, 19.5 in - at 13mo chk up weighed 18.2lbs
 
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ad1978 replied to DDK2005's response:
Your DH is ready to sign over his parental rights? Seriously?? Then perhaps he should. He doesn't sound like he's willing to do **** for his child. You said he didn't look for a job for an entire year, and now he is so easily going to give up his child.

Fine, do it then. Clearly his child will be better off without him. My father would never in a million years sign away his rights to me--he would have fought hard for me. That's what children deserve. G-d help this poor kid.
 
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lkevans replied to elegi23's response:
Probably a bad idea to post something so personal when there are a lot of judgemental people on webmd, this discussion is only getting more and more vicious. Its disgusting to me to even read this and the nasty remarks in response to her venting, relax and be a little bit nicer people how are you raising your children to be judgmental and mean like this? Grrrrreat. The end.
 
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bgabert replied to lkevans's response:
Ikevans.. I couldn't have said it better.

I was going to message you on FB about this Gini. You're doing a great job and getting involved in this type of situation isn't easy.

If you need to vent (without the judgement, send me a message on FB!)
Bri (24), DH Jarrod (28), DD Emery (6/15/2009), Baby Boy EDD 2/13/2011
 
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mol13 replied to bgabert's response:
My opinion? She's a psycho and isn't fit to raise that boy. I don't remember how old he is but I'm assuming school-aged?

I don't know what's going on with your DH either but he needs to REALLY fight for his son, because it's what his son deserves.

You're in a crappy place and a crappy situation, and you've been a lady the entire time. DH needs to grow a pair, make some sort of extra money (I understand that if putting DD in daycare would cause you to basically break even, it might not be worth it for him to work when you do), and see if HE can get custody. Yes, I said it.

DSS didn't do anything to deserve the treatment he gets from his mother and certainly doesn't need to be abandoned by his father over a matter of child support payments that are probably being spent on the ex's nails anyway.

It's not terrifically likely that DH will win, but then, you do have all kinds of evidence that the ex is a psycho who is violent and destroys things.

And for DSS' part, I'm sure he'd rather that his parents both fight for him than that they both act as if they don't want him.

Good luck. I know you're doing the best you can, but DH needs to get it together.
Molly (30) DH (36) David 08/30/07, cancer survivor and letter-lover; Jesse 07/05/09, big talker and bigger climber.
 
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elegi23 replied to mol13's response:
I agree that DH needs to get a job. I think its necessary. He's working on it more now, and he fills out at least 5-10 apps a week. He's had a few interviews, but no actual offers.

I do not agree with him wanting to sign over rights, but then I understand his reasoning behind it. Number 1, he thinks that the judge is going to force him and number 2, he's done with her drama. He's tired of the hell we've been put through. she tried to pay of one of DH's friends, which happens to be her cousins, to slash our tires. He didn't, but instead told DH. I think he's tired of her being so juvenile. All she wants is for him to sign over rights, and she hopes that by harassing us, he's just going to give in. Which is why I made the subject "So Disappointed" because I am disappointed. I'm disappointed that DH just wants to let her win. He doesn't WANT to sign over rights, he just wants this to end.

They will never be civil. I think I see that now. I definitely see why they divorced. I could never imagine doing the things she has done. I could never imagine using my child as a bargining chip to get money. I feel like she's just exploiting him. I think DH hates to see his son treated this way, and hopes that if he gives in, it will be easier on his son. I think he's wrong. I think that no matter what his ex will do mean things to his son because it's DH son.
Me (22), DH(30) DD Eleora Marylin 07/23/09 TTC2 (since 05/10)


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