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In Laws....
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orin34 posted:
Okay so I got into an argument with MIL today when I asked her to babysit DS on sunday (long story short... she made all these crazy demands like me driving him down there which meant we wouldn't get back home until 2AM at the earliest... and then demanding that he spend the night... which I would never allow...).
ANYWAYS, she was ranting that my family gets much more time with DS than she does(Ironic since I was asking HER to babysit). She sees him every couple of weeks... my folks see him once a week. I have had this same argument with her before when I got pregnant to begin with... My thing is this: it is DIFFERENT when your DIL is having the baby... then when your actual daughter is having the baby. . . . When I got pregnant she made similar unreasonable demands about being in the room, going to every dr appointment (trying to weasel the info out of DH so she can show up and "surprise" me), adding people to the baby shower guest list without my okay, insisting on having DS overnight when he was only two weeks old.. ect. I'm sorry but it is just different when your own daughter is having the baby... my mom was in there for the birth and she is MY mom and MY body was the thing on display.
Along those same lines.... the relationship with the in laws and grandchildren I think are also a little different. My parents have a WONDERFUL relationship with DS and they see him every week..... but they also have two other grandchildren from my brother. That relationship is WAY different (note: "DIL is the kids' mom... not daughter"). So I see this same social exchange being played out in not just my own family, but others as well...... When you are the In law to the childs mom... it seems like the relationship is different.

MIL agreed at one point to this logic (before I got pregnant) because she watched my mom go through the disappointment of being the "MIL". During this time she agreed that it was a different relationship when your DIL is having the child. Now? she seems to have forgotten. My mom and I "hang out" every week and do crafts or go shopping (my son is always with me.. so yes my mom sees him too).... We have done this since I was a little girl. We have a GREAT relationship that has been grown throughout my whole life... For MIL to want this same relationship from me just isn't possible because SHE ISN'T MY MOM. If MIL would just stop doing or saying crazy things then we might be more inclined to visit more often. (DH can't stand her either... so it makes it doubly hard on me since I definitely don't want to spend time with her if her own son won't commit to the effort... like I said, she isn't MY mom... ). I would also like to note that the other three of her children have also moved FAR away from her. (she isn't alone though, she has her husband her stepdaughter/sd'shusband, and their son).

What are your thoughts on this topic? Everyone has horrible in law stories..... and there are always exceptions (for example if the moms in laws are the only family around?)... But for the most part do you think in law relationships are just different? I won't be offended if you say I am way off base.... I am interested in opinions here even if they contradict my own.
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phoenix31674 responded:
Well, it sounds like your issue isn't necessarily an inlaw problem. Your son (and her other children) have clearly been driven away by her demanding behavior.

I have a good relationship with my inlaws because my husband has a good relationship with his parents. They are kind enough to let us stay with them when the Navy inevitably moves us across the country and we have time to kill between leaving on duty station and the house being ready at the next. I spent about a month with them before we moved to Germany and it looks like me and the 2 kids will spend about 2 months with them when we move out to California.

Of course, my MIL has always respected that I am not her and she is very mindful of how we are raising our kids and tries not to undermine us. She also thinks family is very important and her and FIL always offer to help us any way they can.

Sound like your DH just got a bad draw on his mother. Since he clearly doesn't want to spend a lot of time around her, you shouldn't feel obliged to either.

When I gave birth, it was just DH in the room with me. Of course with DD I ended up with an emergency c-section, but his parents did visit with me during labor. When DS was born, my mom was here in Germany to take care of DD while DH and I were at the hospital.
 
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Ihgirl1066 replied to phoenix31674's response:
Haha i think we could have identical lives. My MIL and I DONT get along and it truly is her fault. She has never liked me or my SIL, she has always talked meanly about us to tons of ppl and we live in a small town, sorry things get back to us. She always acted nice to us to our face, but behind our backs she is evil. My DH let her watch him once when he was maybe 4ish months and i was pissed and she found out how my SIL and I really felt about her and then she was all ohh poor me BS. When i was preggo with my son i told her 2 or 3 times i dont want ANYONE except my husband at the hossy til we have the baby and get some alone time with him, my parents honored my request, after being in labor from an induction for hmm 14 hours and in the worst paining clinging to the siderail crying, and waitin for my epi, who flippin showed up my Gosh Darn MIL!!! i Was irrate!!

Since he was born, she has seen him hmm maybe 20 times and she lives 10 mins from here!!! she never makes an effort to come see him, she didnt go to his babyshower, didnt come to his baptism and now she has seen our daughter twice in 3 months and didnt come to her baptism either.

My parents on the other hand see our babys all the time, DH always asked if the are avail to watch the kids cuz deep down he knows his mom is an alchoholic and knows how shes treated me in the past.

So i totally get where you are comming from. My BIL cant stand his mom either, and she's so mean to her husband, who i kinda feel bad for cuz he is so nice and i wish he'd see the kids more, my DH on the other hand is one of those ppl that cant be mean and wants everyone to get along, which is fine, but once you've treated me like that, i know you arent really gonna change, what is done is done, you ruined it not me.
 
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orin34 replied to Ihgirl1066's response:
I'm so glad someone understands. My MIL was actually tolerable, believe it or not.......... and then I got pregnant. I told my MIL I didn't want her at the dr appointments and she tried to weasel address and appointment info from DH so she could show up and surprise me. I also laid out my delivery plan for her: I told her it would be just DH and I (I left out the my mom part because I didn't want to get into it). She says "Oh okay.... but I am coming". You tell her something and she doesn't listen. After DH kicked her out of the hospital (he kept her out of the room thank god) he told her she was NOT to come back until we called her to give her the okay. My labor started at 3AM Saturday, had my son at 1:09AM Sunday and I didn't get into my room to rest until 5:30AM because of complications with the placenta. So I had NO sleep and MIL shows up while I am in the SHOWER bright and early at 7AM. I was livid. She also showed up with some of her friends to show them her new grandson (???) And then she refused to leave, I was literally falling asleep sitting up. She stayed past lunch even though she arrived at 7AM. My lunch showed up and I didn't want to be rude by eating in front of people so I put it to the side..... she picked through and started eating it!


Believe it or not, her little rant about not spending time with him is much less annoying than what she USED to be. But she takes you by surprise: She will get better at her "listening skills" (I honestly feel like I am back to teaching kindergarten) and then she will get REALLY bad again. It seems to come in waves.
And I am SO GLAD that you guys agree that it is her and not me. She twists things and turns them so that it always seems like I am in the wrong and it really makes me second guess myself. I honestly do TRY to let her have some time with DS (asking her to babysit? even though DS hates her?). Her new husband is nice, but it is obvious that she bad mouths us about not wanting to spend time with her. He chastises us every time we go there about not bringing DS down there more so MIL can see him, "after all.... he is HER grandson".

You are right pheonix, it is DH's mother and if he doesn't want to spend time with her then I shouldn't feel obligated to either. Which has worked as an excuse until now, but now DH literally CAN'T spend time with any of us because he is working multiple jobs. MIL has latched onto that.... before she had to work with both our schedules which really limited availability, now? she only has to try and work with mine (or so she thinks)... so her demands have grown in number again. I'm kind of at a loss on how to handle it. If I tell her no, she might just show up at our house.... it is hard dealing with a person that just doesn't listen.
Oh, and re-reading what I said before I realized that one statement sounded a little harsh: "I won't allow DS to stay with her overnight". One reason is because he hates her... another is that she doesn't listen. She will keep him up until all hours, she will give him a bottle even though he hasn't taken a bottle in 8 months, once I caught her giving him wine... MY mother respects boundaries that I set and MIL kind of does whatever the hell she wants with him while he is in her care. So that is why I won't allow him to A)spend the night and be babysat at HER home (at my home I know that there is nothing here to harm him.... and we don't drink alcohol so I know he wont be getting buzzed while I'm gone).
 
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phoenixsong replied to orin34's response:
It sounds like you really need to have a discussion with your MIL about boundaries. My MIL and I are VERY different people and there was trouble brewing until I finally sat down and talked to her. We still have issues between us and probably will for a very long time, but it still helped some. Whatever feels right to you and your husband, go for it. If she can't respect what you two want, then she needs a rude wake up call. (including shutting the door in her face if she shows up at your house.) Hope things improve permanently!
 
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orin34 replied to phoenixsong's response:
I wish that was all that I had to do, but I have talked with her SO MANY times..... I tell her "No.... you can't see DS that day, we are busy" and all of a sudden she is asking what time I want her to come over or what I am making for her for dinner. It is very frustrating talking to a person who doesn't "hear" you. It didn't use to be like this.... we used to be okay with one another, but then again.... that was when it was just DH and I. She went one whole year only seeing me and DH on christmas eve, and calling me ONCE only to ask for money (when we didn't have a kid). I miss those days.
So...... I don't know what to do. I give her an answer that is absolute "No" and it is not heard... it is ignored.... and she somehow morphs this "no" to mean what she wants it to mean. I really don't know how I can be more direct. Shutting the door in her face does no good.... we have done that before.
 
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Anon_19625 responded:
Yes we all have rotten mil stories. My mother in law has never liked me. My husband and I were married for a few weeks when a rumor started that i had been cheating on him numerous times with my ex since we had gotten together(over a two year period). It was later on found out that the person who started the rumor was a liar and made the whole thing up, she admitted it. My MIL still to this day believes the rumor and sees me as a cheater and not worthy of her son. She doesnt listen to a thing my husband and I have asked her to do or not do in front of our children. She smokes and swears in front of them not even blinking when we walk in the room, she puts thing on the TV that is totally not appropriate for a 4 year old and 1 year old to be seeing(Jerry Springer, Family Guy, Rated R movies). We have left his parents house numerous times because of her behavior my husband does not put up with her either anymore. We have stopped going over my in-laws house it has gotten so bad, especially since I am pregnant with my third child. Now her latest stunt she is pulling is telling people she knows our 1 year old daughter isnt my husbands even though both our children look just like my husband. I wish we could move out of state and far away from her.


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