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Mommy love?
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An_249385 posted:
Hello,

I used to actively participate in the pregnancy group and now my daughter is 13 months old. When my daughter was 3 months old, my husband and I split and I moved across country to be with my family for support. So I've had a lot of change in the last year with a divorce, a new baby, moving, a new job, etc. I have tons of support and now live at home with my parents where Grandma takes care of my DD 3 days/week. I feel very fortunate given the circumstances.

Anyway my concern is that my daughter is now 13 months old - and healthy - and I have yet to feel that special motherly "bond" with my daughter. Isn't that bond - that undeniable love - supposed to be a given? I know many mothers that struggle with postpartum depression may go through a period feeling this way, but I always feel this way. I am on anti-depressants for anxiety and generally feel happy and positive but my daughter just annoys me.

Her cuteness makes me smile and laugh but that's the extend of my interest in her. Otherwise she's just annoying when she wakes me up (still!) 2-3 times a night and doesn't let me sleep in past 5:30am. Her neediness is exhausting. I don't feel like I love her.

Don't get me wrong - I consider myself to be a good mother. I am still nursing her, I never let her "cry it out", I cloth diaper her, and I only feed her fresh, organic foods. I play with her and buy her anything I think she likes. Money is not an issue.

I hope people can give constructive feedback and not hate me for feeling this way. It's a sad thing when you think you would breath a sigh of relief imagining her not in my life anymore. I don't want to feel this way but I do. I am searching for answers and advice - not judgement. I know I have issues which is why on I'm this forum.

Please help!
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earleyml1012 responded:
So sorry that you have these feelings. I'm glad that you are good at providing for her but remember that money/things can't buy her love and happiness. My suggestion would be to talk to a conselor, maybe you have resentment towards your ex and are holding these feelings against your daughter even though you may not realize it. I think it would be good for you to talk to someone about it.

How did you feel when you were pregnant? How about when she was first born before the divorce? Did you ever have "motherly" feelings towards your daughter? Do you think it could be resentment? I guess these are things you could sit down and talk with someone about to try to figure out the underlying cause of your feelings. I hope you can feel love towards your daughter b/c it's the best feeling. My girls make my day after a long day of work!!
 
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gardensparrow responded:
Hi there,
I just caught your post and I'm glad you're reaching out for some help and advice! I know it's not easy to be honest about the way you're feeling, but that's really the only way to get the support you need. And, my first thought after reading your comments was to wonder if you've ever brought up these thoughts and feelings up with your doctor or a therapist? I think they might be your best bet in determining if the way your feeling is normal, or what steps you can take to try and bond/attach more with your daughter. Also, there's a book I've heard of called, Attachments: Why You Love, Feel, and ACT the Way You Do by Dr. Timothy E. Clinton. And, it goes into some detail on how we form attachments and how our history plays into the way we feel about others in our lives. So, it might be worth picking up online or at the library. Just a thought. Well, I'll be praying that you'll be able to form a really special connection with your daughter!
 
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leftcoastgirl responded:
I know you posted this a while ago, but I wanted to chime in and give you my support. Even though you're obviously struggling, you sound like you're doing your very best for your little girl. I'm no expert, but I'm sure all the changes you've experienced in the past year or so - having a baby, splitting with your husband, moving to a new home across the country - are compounding factors in this. If you're on antidepressants, I hope that means you're under the care of a therapist who is helping you.

I don't have any advice, but I wanted to offer a virtual hug and show of support. And keep doing those wonderful things you've been doing to continue bonding with your little girl. I hope you find your way through this challenging time and come out the other side stronger and happier!!


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