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"relations" with DH/SO???
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Boogie1975 posted:
GOod Morning ladies!
Well it appears that DH is upset with me and its all about intimacy. I have no desire/drive to initiate but I like being intimate with DH once we get started. Earlier this week DH wanted to me to be intimate and I said no because the kids were awake and in the other room. He said we could lock the door and I still said no...grant it I was also cooking dinner at the same time. Evidently yesterday he thought about my refusal all day long and it made him mad. When he got home he had this attitude and told me that he is "done" with the intimacy part of our relationship. Because according to him I don't care (I do care I just have no desire) and he has other more important things to worry about!! I was like okay and I went on to explain to him that I was going to go to the doctor and talk to her about this and he said "whatever". Kinda like even if I go he is not going to change his attitude. So last night and this morning I kissed him on top of his head because he is not going to give kiss me goodbye, good night or hello anymore. He got ready for work this morning and just left no goodbye, no I love you & no kiss (I expected the no kiss). I called him this morning like I usually do after the kids were dropped off and when we were done talking I said I love you and he said bye! So, now to me it seems that either he is just being mean about all of this or he does not love me because he does not get to have sex when he wants to. It just upsets me. He has gotten upset like this before and then he gets over it....but something about this makes me think he is serious. I don't know what to do anymore. We have been married 11 years and have to children. I have hard time being able to focus on anything besides the normal kiss hello/goodbye while the kids are up and I have things to do.....am I the only one that is like this? help!
What I want to know is:
1. Do yall have relations or any type of intimacy (beyond kisses) with the kids up?
2. Is your DH/SO like mine and acts this way?
3. How often are you intimate with your DH/SO?

Thanks.....
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IslandGirl58 responded:
NO you are not the only one who feels this way!!! And no offense, but your DH is being a selfish child. I understand that he probably feels disappointed and maybe is even taking this personally, as though it's a reflection on his sexuality or something, maybe he thinks you're not attracted to him...but honestly, it's a childish attitude. Especially since you're focusing on it enough to make an appt with your doctor about it--which is a good idea, by the way.

I went through this completely between my pregnancies. After having DD I had ZERO desire for sex and even intimacy in the form of cuddling, etc. until I was ready to TTC #2. I think part of it had to do with my birth control pill, and hormones, but the rest was just LIFE! I was a working mom, I was busy, tired, I started school again and had work to do, the times that we had available for us were at night or naptime, and we had other chores on our list for those times too. It's HARD to keep up intimacy during the early years of your children's lives!!! This time around, I switched to Mirena after I had DS and it's made a world of difference for me in the hormonal area, and in that respect the intimacy area as well. I have MUCH more desire to be intimate, though the opportunities don't always arise!!!

I also found that we had to focus more on it in other ways too...TMI...I made a couple of purchases at Frederick's of Hollywood and Victoria Secret, because those kinds of "outfits" definitely help to make me feel sexier and therefore put me in the mood more. Also, depending on how you feel about it, there are videos, magazines, etc. that can help to strike the mood for you! ;) I can't just drop everything and have sex as soon as the right moment presents itself, whereas all I have to do with DH is say "Wanna do it?" and he's ready to go. Women are generally more work than that, and mothers especially!!!

So to answer your questions: (after my long winded answer)
1. Sometimes, with DS up, or if they're both up then a quickie in the shower works!

2. My DH got cranky about it when DD was an infant, but I think because he's a doctor (esp. one that specializes in hormones...) he understood that it was mostly a result of post-partum and changing hormones and also the BCP.

3. These days, we're lucky if it's twice a month, though sometimes we can squeeze in a few extra.
Me(30) DH(30) DD(3) DS(10 months)
 
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SAHM2myGirl responded:
Man that's the worst when they start acting like that. My DH has done this before and it's just annoying. I let him have his little tantrum, he gets over it and we are back to where we started from.
To answer your questions:
1. Yes we do stuff while DD is awake. We set her up with a movie, lock the door and get to it. The nice thing is, it's a quickie, leaves hims satisfied for a couple of days, makes me feel like my wifely duty is taken care of and it's only 15 minutes out of my day, lol.
2. Yes my DH has behaved like yours. It's annoying but after a talk and some time he has always gotten over it. We've been together for 15 years, married for 10.5.
3. We try to be intimate about 2-3 times a week. He is not opposed to "taking care of it" by himself though and I'm not opposed to him doing that. If the door to the office is closed, I don't go a-knocking!

I do my best to keep up with the 2-3 times because it really doesn't last that long and he is a much nicer person when I make that effort. That way he can't ever accuse me of not "trying". It does drive me utterly crazy when he picks a bad time and I have to tell him that he has to wait but I usually promise him that we will definitely do it later.

I hope you guys can work this out. (((hugs)))
 
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LittleTandMe responded:
My DS and I have had that EXACT same scene played out. To the point where I don't want to do it even more since I feel like I am being forced into it.

I do not want to do it while DS is up. Or while we are staying at my parents house. Or in the woods at a (deserted) state park type place. Yes, he asked that.

We have been married 11 years, together for 14.
DS - 2.75 - I refuse to put almost 3
 
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Boogie1975 responded:
Its sooo nice to know that I am not alone and that ya'll also thinks its childish the way is acting. I hope it will pass and maybe in a few days I will dress sexy and seduce him.
I do know that he gets tired of initiating all the time so guess i can work on that.

I will continue to kiss him on the head and tell him I love him.
 
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SAHM2myGirl replied to LittleTandMe's response:
LOL about the woods. That is actually a favorite place of ours (blush). We've probably DTD in more state and national parks then most people have ever been to. It is one way that we have kept our intimate life exciting. It's a little harder to accomplish now that we have DD but when we get the chance to drop her off with Grandma, we usually head out to the woods (blush, blush, blush) :)
 
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ryanandleigh responded:
I think IslandGirl had an excellent response to this. I think your DH is acting childish about this. But I know my own DH has complained that whenever he initiates something, he says I say no. I am usually like "when do you initiate something?" My DH has gotten to the point that he won't initiate anything and so I have to. But honestly, I have no desire most of the time too. Anyway, in answer to your questions...
1.) No. We don't do anything beyond kissing with the kids awake. No quickies in the bedroom or the shower because they are sure to wander in to the bathroom or pound on the door to the bedroom.
2.) DH gets frustrated with me sometimes about this but I can't imagine him cutting everything out.
3.) We aim for once a week - more if we can get it in but that rarely happens as DH works some nights and sometimes I am just too tired after getting DS to sleep.
Leigh, Jacen (5), Alexa (2)
 
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tlkittycat1968 responded:
DH acts the same way. He was at band practice and I wasn't exactly happy it was going to last 3 hours or more. He came home early and I was pleased. Then, this morning he said that's the last time he comes home early from band practice and I asked why and he said he thought I wanted something and I said yes, your company.

1. Sometimes I'll do a hand job in the shower or if I'm feeling up to it, we'll have shower sex with our son in our bedroom watching tv.

2. Yes, but not as bad. He does pout but at least will still give me a kiss (usually).

3. At least once a week, twice a week if we're lucky. I know DH would like more but with my working 8 hours a day and then taking care of the kids when I get home, I'm too tired.
 
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FarmWife1979 responded:
I think you are on the right path with going to your doctor to get checked out and see if there might be a physical/hormonal reason why this is happening. You may also want to seek counseling with a sex therapist as a couple to get to the root of the problem. I understand being busy with the kids and everything, but once the kids go to bed, the dishes and the laundry can wait - go play with your man. They need it. Most men will applaud any effort you make in that direction even if you aren't really that into it at the time. But, if you start making more of an effort at it then you might just find yourself more interested in it on your own. Men and women tend to be different in how they show affection - for women it's talk, time spent with us, and caring about what we have to say. For men - it's physical - sex being the main way they show affection. To put it another way - sex for women is like having dessert after a huge meal - nice, but we could do with out it. For men, it is the main course!

1. Do yall have relations or any type of intimacy (beyond kisses) with the kids up? - We don't DTD while DD is awake (though there has been one or two times she's woken up from a nap and just had to be patient for 2 more minutes so we could finish). Mostly we keep it to hugs, kisses, a quick butt grab, a quick neck rub while she's awake. That usually leads to more later once she goes to bed. Sometime I'll run into the bathroom while he's showering and reach in to grab his butt, then run back out to where DD is playing.

2. Is your DH/SO like mine and acts this way? Sometimes, espcially if it's been a while. Before we had DD this was a HUGE issue for us but it turned out that my BCP was screwing up my hormones (and causing a neurological problem that caused raging migraines that lasted for WEEKS), so I had no desire to do it and DH was understandably frustrated and thought it was just an excuse until we got a diagnosis on the neuro condition and I stopped the BCPs. We fought about it - he wanted it all the time and I didn't - maybe a couple of times a month and I was good. Post DD, I got Mirena IUD instead of BCP and it's made a huge difference. If he suggests it, I'm much more willing to go for it now, I do occaisionally start it as well, but I tend to let him start things. He has also backed off on getting so upset about it since we found out what was wrong with me and did something to fix it. From golf course talk, he's also found out he's getting it way more often than his three best friends who all have kids the same age as DD, so he seems more content with it.

3. How often are you intimate with your DH/SO?
1-4 times/week, mostly on the weekends when I'm not worn out from work.
Holly (31) DH (37) DD (2.5 - born 11/16/07). Full-time working Mom, Wife, Library Board President, Chef, Chauffer, Maid, Toy Assembler and Repair Technician, and Chief Boo-Boo Kisser.
 
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FarmWife1979 replied to SAHM2myGirl's response:
Lol!! We went out to our new farm and DTD 2 weeks ago under a full moon while DD was at Grandma's for the night. I told him it was an ancient fertilitiy ritual so the crops would grow. He was ridiculously happy for the next 2 days.
Holly (31) DH (37) DD (2.5 - born 11/16/07). Full-time working Mom, Wife, Library Board President, Chef, Chauffer, Maid, Toy Assembler and Repair Technician, and Chief Boo-Boo Kisser.
 
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DidiToo responded:
First of all, your DH is acting like a passive-aggressive ass.

To the poll:

1. No, by mutual consent. They'd never give us the two minutes we'd need for even a quickie.

2. No. He respects when I'm too tired or not in the mood, and he knows not to take it personally.

3. About 2-3 times per week.

Just as some more feedback - your DH is fighting this fight in a way that is completely unfair to you and unloving, and he needs a good reaming-out. You do not purposely fail to tell someone you love, "I love you" because you're angry. Ask him how he'd feel if, God forbid, you were in a car accident and he lost his last chance to tell you how he felt. He'd have the rest of his life to think about that. A spouse also should be supportive when the other spouse acknowledges there may be a problem and she is actively taking steps to address it. The response should never be, "Whatever." Ask him how sexy it is to have someone guilt or manipulate you into having sex. Give me a break.

My own issue with DH is that he is not very apt to show physical affection except when he wants to DTD. I've tried to explain every way to Sunday that it is next to impossible for me to go from what I call "brother-sister mode" to feeling in the mood just because it's ten minutes before we usually go to bed. My solution was to ask him to give me a backrub. When your DH has earned your forgiveness, try that. It's a nice way to get in the mood; you're technically initiating, plus you get a backrub out of it. ;-)
 
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abbygailsmom1 responded:
You should read the book Sheet Music. It is a pretty good Christian book based on intimacy in a couple's relationship. It was a big eye opener for my husband and I. We went from 1/week to 4-5/week before I got pregnant. Now I am so tired and sick all the time that it doesn't happen very often and I have been placed on medicine that makes me have a cottage cheese woo-ha so nothing is coming close to that area. (Thanks goodness that I am almost done that that med. I miss him.)

Anyway, I think you should read it. Get you some pretty nighty and go for it. I noticed the more I made the attempts, the more we did it, the more I liked it and wanted it. A win win for both of us.

(BTW-he did act like yours is. Not with the withholding of kisses but the childish, immature things.)
Me (30) DH (28) DD1 (5) DD2 (2)
 
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VicsEandJ responded:
I think you DH is beign rude and disrespectful and if my DH ever did anything like that to me, he might never get any again or be able to tkae cre of himself.

Does he not 'get' what life is right now-when you have small children, they are the priority, not his childish needs? It's not that his needs are insignificant, but little kids don't have the capacity to really understnd that t'snot all about them, shoudln't DH? If the kids awere awake and you are in the middle of making dinner, to expect you to stop and have a quickie is INSANE!!!

I love DTD just as much as the next person and probably more than most and my husband is soo adorable and sexy and I do lament the loss of time to have 'fun' with DH but there is a time and a place for everything and what you described is not it. Before we had kids DH and I spent lots of time being intimate- he is a cuddler so it was always heavenly. Now I always complain that I barely get to touch him when we are home and the kids are around- at least one is ALWAYS between us. So we wait until the kids go to bed, if we are not too exhausted at that point- LOL!

I don't think a full grown man has to have it constantly- sure they want it-I do too- if I can wait so can he! It won't kill him and it shouldn't make him mean- though getting some does make me happier too!!

It's hard to navigate with small demanding kids and intimacy is necesary to keep you marriage strong, but so is being sensitive to your partner- that applies to DHs too. If he wants more intamacy with you, why can't he cook dinner, arrange for someone to watch the kids, take you out, do soemthing to put you in the mood and get your mind focused on him?

to answer your quetions
1) No. When DS was a baby we used to put him inthe swing becuse it always knocked him out and then we would. This did not work at all when were were TTC #2, so we had to call in late to work a couple of times. Plus my kids would not sit alone in a room long enough for us to even have a quickie
2) No or he'd by my ex.
3) not nearly often enough. Enough to keep us both sane. Did I say not nearly enough...
Me (41), DH, DS (2 1/2), DD (1)
 
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MamaOfDylan responded:
Your story sounds just like many a nights/days at my house.

My DH and I have been together for 9 years. When we first started dating, of course, the sex life we had was wonderful. But, who's isn't in the beginning of the relationship?? Anyway, he says now that since I do not initiate and/or respond to his every request the way he wants me to...it makes him feel as though I am not attracted to him and that I am not "in love" with him as much as I used to be. I, like you, do not have a sex drive. I never have....and not sure that I ever will. I have NEVER been the type of person to think "Gosh I could really use "it" right now."

So, lately I have been trying to initiate a lot more. As SAHM2mygirl says...it only takes 15-20 minutes out of the day and DH is a much happier person and much easier to be around. So, even when I am totally not in the mood (which is all the time) I just force myself to do it. Cause I know it makes him happy and puts him in a better mood.

So, to answer your questions:

1. Do yall have relations or any type of intimacy (beyond kisses) with the kids up? Yes...sometimes thats the best time to do it b/c it makes it a quickie. LOL We will just set DS up w/ a movie, his cup and small snack in his room or in the living room, make sure all is well and lock the door.

2. Is your DH/SO like mine and acts this way? I think every man has acted this way before. It must be something with the male hormones. But to make you feel better, yes he has acted this way many many times!!!

3. How often are you intimate with your DH/SO? We normally are intimate 2-3 times a week. Sometimes more, sometimes less. As long as my DH "gets it" once a week he says hes happy. I guess thats not too much to ask for right?!? LOL

Good luck and I am sure that your DH will get over the attitude soon. ;)
 
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LittleTandMe replied to DidiToo's response:
Didi - you make me sad. I don't even realize how dysfunctional my marriage is, until I hear what other people have. I've tried all the talking, explaining, and counseling even. He maintains that the problem is with me, and thinks the way he handles things is fine. And the problem is me. I don't particularly feel like doing it with someone who asked for a divorce 4 times (once while i was pregnant), but I don't really think he ever meant it, it was just manipulative.

Sorry, I didn't mean to hijack this, and I don't usually go into this, but hearing all this makes me realize what I don't have.

BTW, I did it in the woods too, with my ex-BF. But it wasn't hunting season!
DS - 2.75 - I refuse to put almost 3


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