Parenting: 2-Year-Olds Community

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I don't think there is any black-and-white answer to this. It really depends on your history, your DH's character (was this a one-time drunken slip or does he have a history of dishonesty with you?), your overall relationship. Couples can and do recover from each other's mistakes, if they are just that - mistakes, and not a character flaw that will continue to cause problems and heartache. In your shoes, I'd insist that he accompany me to couples counseling, and also individual counseling to see if I could move on from it. You shouldn't have to go through this alone. Again, I'm sorry.

Wow. What an rollercoaster ride of emotions. My first thought would be leave but that might not be the right thing to do.

I guess a lot of it would depend on his actions after this happened. Did he tell you right away or did he just tell you when he found out that he might be the father of this lady's child?

Is he commited to the marriage and wants to make it work? I would suggest that you get some counseling because you are not going to be able to do this alone. I think maybe a marriage counselor to start out with and you go by yourself and then get him to go. Is this something he would consider doing?

well i think you will only be able to answer that question over time. Im sure its hard to see him break down. And Im sure he is sorry. We all make mistakes, but that is one he chose to make. He is sorry now that he's caught. Maybe he has been eaten up with guilt, who knows? You know him better than us. How long have you been together? I think thats important too. If this child is his (my guess is it is as she know there is such a thing as paternity testing) can you live with him every month when he has to pay child support or decides he wants to be a part of that child's life. It doesnt sound like its been an ongoing thing as she is just now calling about a baby. BUT she did have his number.

I dont think this the end all for all couples but it is bad and Im so sorry that that is all the respect he had for his family.

What I highly recommend is you get to the dr immediately for STD testing and then try to start the healing process.
I dont think there is a right or wrong answer.

hang in there. Im so sorry.

Let me be clear on my first thought about leaving. I wasn't meaning that I think you should leave, but that it is probably the first thought that people think they should do.

I once worked with a lady who told me that her husband had cheated on her with another woman for about a year. The husband told his wife, they got counseling and had the best relationship afterwards for 40 something years until he passed. It can and does work if both parties are willing to make it work.

I totally agree with Didi about if this was a mistake and not a character flaw. Character flaws usually can't be fixed. Mistakes happen we can learn from them and move on.

I would never stay with my DH if he cheated on me. I do not care how sorry he is, I would be gone. Not only did your husband cheat on you, but he had unprotected sex. He endangered your life. An illegitimate child could be the least of your problems, you need to go get yourself tested ASAP.

Who knows if this is the only time he did this. This may just be the only time he needs to own up to it. If this woman didn't get pregnant then he would have never told you.

((Hugs))

I agree with Didi's advice and also go get tested ASAP!

I just wanted to add that if you did decide to leave it wouldn't be you breaking apart your family. This wasn't a mistake that he made it was a choice and when he made that choice he was the one that put your family in jeopardy, not you.

I don't think that you can answer any of your questions right now.

I think you need to wait for the paternity test results at the earliest. If he has another child, like PP said, he will then have to pay child support and deal with this woman and child for many years to come, meaningng you will have to deal with it too.

Also, you need to know if this was a one time thing or was it just because he got caught.

You also need to think really hard about how you feel about it. That takes time. You can't make rational decisions when you are hurt, or angry. Plenty of marriages have survived infidelity ( I don't know if I could do it) but I would imagine it would take a long time and you really have to want to make it work. Breaking up your marriage may seem like the easy way out, but unless you can truly forgive him and accept what has happened and possibly his child- divorce is the only logical solution- but even then you will have to deal with him for many years to come. I don't think his feelings really matter, it coems down to what YOU can live with and accept without resigning yourself to misery.

It's not an easy decision. Take your time and really think about it.

But don't wait to get tested for STDs.

Just my opinion.
((HUGS))

Vickie

(((HUGS))) I'm sorry you're going through this.
First off you both need to be tested for STDs to make sure he didn't pick up anything. They can affect your future fertility.
I would do both individual and couple counseling for each of you to figure out if your relationship is salvageable or not.
We're here for you.

Lurking:

I'm am so very sorry. This is such a terrible thing you and your family have to go through. Like the pp said, there really isn't a black and white answer to this question. Just remember that it's not your fault. He made this mistake and now he has to take responsibility for it. Maybe you need a time out. Take sometime with your LO and maybe go to some family's house where you can trust them and lean on them for support. Or you tell him to leave for a few days where you can kind of deal with some emotions without him being around. I know it's fresh and you may not want to tell anyone but even if you have one close friend who you can lean on so you can have some support. Going through this alone will be hard.

What gets to me is that he broke down to you after he was caught. Obviously he was with this women awhile ago since she's already had a baby so why didn't he come clean right after if he was so upset over it? I know this maybe harsh but I would wonder. If he could keep that a secret for so long what makes you so sure she isn't the only one he's been with before? Whether he was drunk or not that is no excuse. I wont go any further since I'm sure it's the last thing you want to hear.

Again I am so very sorry and I hope you find some comfort soon.

Agree with everything Shena said.

Some people might can stay with their spouse, move on, and make their marriage stronger. Personally, I would not be able to. That is a deal breaker for me, I would not be able to feel the same towards him or our "family".

But it is up to you, and how you feel like you can handle it. I am so sorry you are going through this. Whichever course you take, it is going to be a lot of hard work.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. In my relationship with DH, this would be a dealbreaker. I told him when we got together that if he cheated on me or hit me, I would be gone no questions asked. However, I know all situations are not like mine. I agree with PP that either way you go it will be lots of hard work & the pain isn't going to go away quickly. Please talk to your DH about both of you going to a marriage counselor. I think that would be a great place to start to see if things can work out. (((Hugs)))

DH cheated on me 4 years ago and I still hate him for it. I was pregnant and scared and thought I couldn't do it alone so I did all that I could to keep our marriage together at the time. Since then he has not cheated again that I know of. I wish I could say I was 100% certain of that but honestly, with what he put me through before, I feel like I never will be. I check our phone bills every month to see who he has talked to. It's an awful way to live. That being said, what my DH did was much more than a drunken one night thing. It was months of lies, sneaking around, humiliating me, he told me because he wanted to leave me for her. YOU would not be breaking your family apart. HE did when he cheated on you. Do not make any decisions right now. I agree with PP that you should get away from him for a little while. Stay with family or send him away. Are you certain that this was a one time thing? If you honestly believe it was a one time thing and that he is sorry and that you can deal with him possibly having to deal with this woman/child, then you might be able to make it work. Therapy is key. Get him to go with you, go by yourself and don't make any decisions until you feel more emotionally stable. People can make it through this. I'm still trying to figure out how. I was one of those people who said if he ever cheated, I'd kick him to the curb. Well I didn't. He put me through 1 year of hell, but we had 9 good years before that. I still love him and I don't hate him as much as I did when I first found out and I can actually do things like go on vacation, out to dinner, whatever and enjoy time with him. I couldn't for the first few months. What it really boils down to for me though is that I cannot be a part time mom and that's what I feel like I would be if we split up and I had to share custody. Good luck and just take it one day at a time. It does get better, I promise!

I'm so sorry and can only imagine the range of emotions you're feeling right now. If this situation had happened here, DH and I would be through. Period. I'm a very compassionate, trusting and understanding person but to find out that my husband slept with another woman, hid the indiscretion and then came crying to me once he found out he could no longer hide from his "mistake" would be more than I could (or should) get past.
That being said, I know some couples can come back from nightmares like this. I'm sure it isn't easy though and would expect a lot of soul searching and counseling is required.

Regardless of what you decide, know that none of this is your fault.