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Judging
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Shena1981 posted:
I hate judging other parents. I'm all for doing whatever is best for you and your family. I have this friend though that does stuff that I can't stand. So, when is it judging and when is it legitimate concern for crappy parenting?

Here are the things that concern me. Her son may be autistic, he's being tested in a couple week and is in EI. He has definite issues with other kids, whether it be touching him or being loud around him. She says things like , get over it. This horrifies me, it's liek she just doesn't care how upsetting these things are to him. she feeds him chicken nuggets and chips. That's it. I'm not even kidding. His speech therapist remarked how at almost 3 he should know how to use a fork and spoon, but he doesn't. My friend said, it's becasue we don't eat foods that require forks and spoons. OK, I do feed my child mostly healthy from scratch stuff, but if you don't that's your business, but really? I mean to me it just seems lazy. Especially when autistic children can be helped with diet sometimes. She's a SAHM but doesn't interact wit hhim, he's in front of the TV all day. They don't color or do anything like that. Here is a quote from her, we are different parents. and i dont think either way is wrong or right, just different. we eat chicken nuggets and watch way to much tv, we go thrifting instead of the zoo, we dont do arts and crafts.


I'm not saying you need to make your kid all home cooked meals, go to the zoo every day or be doing a craft project all the time, but shouldn't you do thinks for your child. Things that they'll enjoy and help the grow and learn? I feel like he's just a bother to her. She doesn't do anything he'll enjoy, but goes out of her way to do things she likes. She also says things like oh we don't do that, because he wouldn't like it. Well I've colored with him and decorated cookies and he loved it.


Maybe I am contradicting myself by saying I don't judge and then judge her, but is it really judging? Am I just being a b!t@h, becasue we have different parenting styles? Is what she does really parenting though?


I'd like some opinions
Mom, Dad and Kidlet
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FarmWife1979 responded:
I'm not going to say what she is doing is right or wrong, but I do agree it's "different". I'm going to suggest you continue to hold your tongue to avoid alienating her and the child, but offer to babysit him more often and work with him on these things when you have him at your house. Volunteer to take him to the zoo with your kids. That way he gets the enrichment he needs in addition to whatever parenting she's doing.
Holly (31) DH (37) DD (2.5 - born 11/16/07). Full-time working Mom, Wife, Library Board President, Chef, Chauffer, Maid, Toy Assembler and Repair Technician, and Chief Boo-Boo Kisser.
 
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VicsEandJ responded:
I have a question- where is her DH/SO? Is he in the picture?
Me (41), DH, DS (3), DD (1 1/2)
 
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Shena1981 replied to VicsEandJ's response:
Ummm...her DH, that's a whole other topic He's not the brightest bulb and he's sort of afraid of her. I think they're both very selfish people and just don't want to do anything that is extra work
Mom, Dad and Kidlet
 
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3boysmom1981 responded:
Shena,
We've talked about this before so I think you know how I feel, but as a mama with a kid who has some special needs it honesly brought tears to my eyes reading about this again.
I can't even imagine telling Ds2 to "get over it" in regards to his sensory issues.

Truly, I don't know what you can do other than try to be there for this child as much as possible and point his mother in the direction of as many resources as possible. A lot of times the E.I co-ordinator can put a family in touch with support groups, classes, etc things that go beyond just therapy and it is shame she is not taking advantage of that. There is only so much therapists can do without family support.

So , no, I don't think its judgemental for you to feel this way. Its not about whether they do arts and crafts or eat too many chicken nuggets. When it comes down to it she is "choosing" not to teach her son vital life skills and give him apropriate support for whatever challenges he is facing and that is wrong, plain and simple. Or maybe I am just judgemental,too.
Me, DH and our 3 boys (5, 2, and 10mo)
 
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mckenzien18 responded:
I think everybody judges other parenting styles. I don't think there's anything wrong with what she's doing, but she could put some more effort into teaching her child - especially if he's autistic. A lot of times I don't know what to do with Cameron, I'm not a very creative person so I usually end up letting him play/watch TV or go to the pool. But for you to actually give her ideas and help her out and for her to just say "oh well we don't do that" sounds lazy to me.
I would like to know what you do with Emma all day, I just feel like there's nothing to do bc I'm at home all day, so I'd appreciate any suggestions or ideas that you have.
Me - 23, DS Cameron - 2, DD Brooklynne born an angel 1-5-09. I'm a single mom and I love it!
 
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Shena1981 replied to 3boysmom1981's response:
Her Dr suggested EI at his 15month appt and she put it off for months and months. I kept on her and at his 18 month the Dr was upset she hadn't st it up. She put it off for 2 more months, becasue she doesn't like calling places. Her child could have been learning during those 5 months he was already so delayed. When he had his eval he was barely at the level of a 9 month old and he was 20months. EI has set up playgroups and other things of that nature and she brings him once and then blows it off. Her excuse about playgroup was that she didn't like the other mothers. She doesn't seem to get that it's not about her.

Her new EI person cxls almost every week and I told her she needs to cal lthe supervisor, but she doesn't want to, becasue she doesn't want to make the EI girl upset if she gets in trouble. Who cares?! She's supposed to be helping your child but instead is holding him back.

She was supposed to set up testing for a long time as well and when she brought him to the Dr's last time she still hadn't and the Dr was really angry with her. He's way under weight and she gives him absurd amounts of milk and gatorade. The Dr has told her before to stop, but she still does it. It's like she doesn't care what anyone says, eve nthe Dr she's just goign to do whatever she pleases no matter how it effects him and then get po'd when she's told she's wrong
Mom, Dad and Kidlet
 
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LittleTandMe responded:
Heck, Shena, I'm not afraid to admit I'm judging her right now.

The food thing is her business. I feel if someone wants to risk their child having hypertension or high cholesterol at 14, that is their business. It is also possible they could be fine, and have no ill effects from diet whatsoever.

But as far as her not interacting with him, and not working with him, I think that is a shame. That poor child relies on her to help him. Some things she does or doesn't do now, can affect the way his condition is all his life. If her son was missing a limb, would she just let him lay on the floor and step over him all day?

Feeding his body adequately, though not optimally is one thing. But she is starving his mind, and it is malnourished.

It also bugs me that she is perpetuating the myth that autism is caused by bad/neglectful parenting.
DS - 2.75 - I refuse to put almost 3
 
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LittleTandMe replied to Shena1981's response:
Ok, I just read your latest reply Shena. I don't want to judge people for doing things differently, when differently causes or could cause no harm to the child.

But she has stepped over the line. Her son is underweight, she does nothing about it. He is severely delayed, she does nothing.

That is not doing things differently, that is actually causing harm to the child. If even the doctor is angry about it, and she doesn't listen, she is doing things wrong, not different.
DS - 2.75 - I refuse to put almost 3
 
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Shena1981 replied to mckenzien18's response:
I'm not saying you have to do stuff all day long or even every day. I have lazy days where Em and I just watch movies. BUT you bring him to the pool and he colors. Cam also is where he should be. The child I'm speaking of is almost 3 and says maybe 5 words and she doesn't help encourage the learning. His motor skills are also that of a child much youngr and I think a lot of that has to do more with her not teaching him or letting him play with things that encourage that
Mom, Dad and Kidlet
 
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3boysmom1981 replied to mckenzien18's response:
I just wanted to clarify, too, that I don't think its neceasry or even a good idea to be constantly entertaining your kids. I do limit TV time quite a bit (partially b/c I can't stand half those shows,lol!) but I am huge on telling my kids to "go play" I think being bored sometimes is good for kids!

And the food thing, while I don't agree with it, I wouldn't find it as big an issue if the child #1 wasn't underweight and #2 knew how to use a fork and spoon in an age-apropriate manner.

My anger is at the fact that her child clearly has issues that need addressing and she is choosing to ignore medical/proffessional advice b/c it sounds like it is too much of a bother. Honeslty, I think her "parenting" or lack there of is borderline neglectful.
Me, DH and our 3 boys (5, 2, and 10mo)
 
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VicsEandJ responded:
I asked about DH because it seems to me like she doesn't want to be a parent. If she takes no interest in anything concernng the child- doesn't care what he eats or does and isn't interested in his physical and mental development.

Was he an accident or a planned pregnancy? It's sad but the ability to have a child doesn't always give you the desire to raise it.

It doesn't matter if we judge the mother or not. That kid needs someone to look out for him. This is a tough one because from what you say, it seems like she does just enough for the child to keep the authorities off her back, but nothing more.
Me (41), DH, DS (3), DD (1 1/2)
 
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leftcoastgirl responded:
I agree with PPs on this mom and her poor decisions. The thing that really struck me about the whole story is that she seems extremely unhappy. Not just lazy, but really, truly unhappy. Perhaps what you've described is exactly how she grew up. So sad!
 
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cary1974 responded:
Judge away....there is a difference between having a "differen't" parenting style and basically neglecting the emotional, mental, and physical needs of your child....I cannot imagine how frustrating it must be for you to sit and see this child suffer because of her complete lack of maturity, responsibility, or compassion. I agree with one of the PP that all you can do is to keep encouraging her gently and spend as much time with this boy as you can, to him those times probably mean the world. Sigh..........
Me(35) DH(37)Brett(16) Morghain(14) Drew(2) TTC4 Crazy as larks and lovin it!!
 
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megmoo78 responded:
I have never brought this up on here but my older son is mildly Autistic, and this upsets me.
She needs to realize that parenting an Autistic child is a challenge. She has to work with him and teach him life skills or he will never be independant.And most importantly she must realize that him freaking on about thing is normal for him and he won't just get over it. Most autistic children have sensory issues.
Megan, DH,1DD 2DSs


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