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mbenz1313 posted:
I am kinda in a conflict here. My inlaws raised there kids a certain way & chose to spank their childen now that we have kids they seem to think that the only method that will work is spanking. I am caught in the middle. I would like for my children to have consistency in the discpiline they receive so they can behave better, but Im the parent who doesnt spank & my family doesnt spank either. When my children go over to the other side its a whole other story. Stuck & unsure of what to do, everytime i discuss this with my husband we get into an arguement. He was raised by it so hes not open to suggestions. Please Help if you can.
-Mercedes (19), Steve (24), ALy (4), Dante (2)
jlynnpaine responded:
I would very firmly tell your inlaws that they are absolutely not to spank your kids. You can explain the methods that you do use for discipline and if they are watching your kids, those are the methods they can use or they simply will not be allowed to watch them. If you're there with the kids, there is no reason for them to be disciplining your kids anyway. That's your department.

I hope you and your DH can get on the same page. Try to explain your reasoning to him and possibly show him some studies on the effects of spanking on kids. It will make it much easier to handle the inlaws if you are a united front, not to mention much easier to get the kids to mind when everyone isn't fighting over how to discipline them.

If I was in your position, I would simply tell DH that until the matter is resolved, I wasn't taking my kids around the inlaws. That may seem extreme, but I feel like this is a big issue that needs to be dealt with. No one spanks my kids, I don't care who they are. Simple as that.
sarahann1978 responded:
It would seem to me that I would first concentrate on coming to an agreement with your DH, and not worry about the in-laws until you and he are on the same page. If he doesn't support you and agree about what methods you will use you are going to get no where with them. Does he spank your kids too, or just his family?

Unfortunately this is something that is best discussed and agreed upon before committing to having children together. When it comes down to it, now that they are here they are his kids too and his parenting wishes are equal to yours, and you have to work together to come to some agreement that you can both live with. Hopefully you can find a way to convince him to agree with you and your wishes. Maybe if you could find a discipline method that works for you where you could show him the plan on paper and convince him to try it for a period of time with no spanking.
Sarah (32), DH(30), DS (Jan. 09)
ryanandleigh responded:
I agree with the others. You need to address this with your husband first. I would try and get him to talk about discipline and what he would like to do rather than come at it as "your family's method is wrong". Don't put him on the defensive. Ask him his opinion. Be prepared to be open minded and work on coming up with a compromise. You two need to be in agreement on how your children will be disciplined.

And I agree that I would not have the inlaws watch my children if they are going to strike them as punishment. And they sure wouldn't be able to do it while I am present.
Leigh, Jacen (6), Alexa (3)
Amelia_WebMD_Staff responded:
I feel for you, Mercedes.

Discipline is such a touchy subject because no one (hopefully) is trying to hurt their children or be a bad parent, while teaching the wrongs from rights. I think we are all worried, though as to if we are doing the best job possible.

My mother is a firm believer in spanking and proud of her hard work in raising her (amazing :) ) children. She was definitely excited to teach me the ways of perfect motherhood and not following "her rules" definitely hurt her feelings.

At first, I was annoyed and angry that she wanted me to spank, but then realized that she was just taking my opinion as an insult to her parenting skills. I explained my reasons of concern through research studies, new options that we are lucky to have today and made sure to let her know how amazing she was as a mother. Then, I taught her what I preferred, got her input and moved on to something that I loved about her and asked her to share with the LO.

Maybe you could show your husband some of the statistics and findings to help him understand where you are coming from. Then, hopefully he could help in explaining to the in-laws some logical reason for your choice.

Here are three great resources with loads of information:
WebMD Child Discipline Directory
Child Discipline Methods
Spanking Linked to Kids' Later Aggression
Spanking Gets you Nowhere

I especially liked the point in the last article, "You are your child's role model. If you resort to physical force or violent behavior when you are angry, that is exactly the way your child will act when he is upset ."

Best of luck!
Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. ~Elizabeth Stone
alliegirl77 responded:
I feel for you Mercedes. Although Dh and I do agree on the spanking issue (we are pro spankers) we disagree on a few other issues when it comes to discipline with Sarah.

I agree with PP...leave the in-laws out of it for now until you two are on the same page.

With DH, I find that putting my thoughts together on paper helps me with my womanly emotional stuff that I can bring to our discussions on these more hot topics so I can stay focussed and on topic and keep us from arguing. Also, if you feel that you are heading towards the argument, remember that you and he are on the SAME team...that team is to do what is best and good for your kids.

With DH we took a date night and researched some ways to handle her so that we were being consistent in our approach. We found a class. Love and Logic to be exact. (you might look into that). We ended up taking the class together. Not only was it fun for us and some time together but we were able to come to an agreement on our approach, in addition to the spanking which we use in only situations where she is danger of harm to self/others, for discipline and teaching.
Me(33), DH(37), and DD(2)born 9/22/08. She's amazing!
mbenz1313 responded:
Thank you all for your input I will definetly look into different things & start the approach of me running this not them. Feel very anxious of the result but ready to get it under control.
-Mercedes (19), Steve (24), ALy (4), Dante (2)

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